Feedback on this thing I've got to write

AthlonTom · 4 Sep 2006 at 10:40

Hi dudes and Dudettes, I've been asked to write my profile for an Industry mag and wondered if I could get some more opinions?

Edit: Done now cheers

Cheers

Tom

cleanbluesky · 4 Sep 2006 at 11:07

Wouldn't it be a bit more interesting if there was a little more drama in there?

Visage · 4 Sep 2006 at 11:10

You need more pathos.

dirtydog · 4 Sep 2006 at 11:10

The punctuation needs work

Oh and this... "could lead too" should be "to".

semi-pro waster · 4 Sep 2006 at 11:15

I immediately hate it for the fact you included the words "Soft Skills" in there, all it is is manners and a basic ability to socialise

I'd de-capitalise the job in "last few days featured Job interviews" and "receiving Job offers for both companies" as they aren't necessary.

A few more full stops wouldn't hurt and as the others have said a bit more verve wouldn't go amiss either but I suppose that depends on what sort of publication it will be in

AthlonTom · 4 Sep 2006 at 11:28

Meh - I went for Verve and drama on the first draft and got told to ditch it and put all the buzzwords in - I hate marketting!

Thanks for your help guys

Skiddley · 4 Sep 2006 at 12:28

Fell asleep after the first sentance. Definatly needs spicing up, I'd recommend introducing key words into it somehow, words such as;

- Threesome.
- Carrot.
- SquealPiggy.
- NitroGlycerine.

nin9abadga · 4 Sep 2006 at 12:41

is this a profile kind of thing or something serious like a potential job application? if it's a profile put some stuff in it from outside of work, like your ambition is to sleep with someone from every country in the world, or you like to build pcs out of biscuits.

bring some of your personality out in the writing, sell yourself as a well rounded person not just a well qualified IT dude.

nin9a