Fridays Joke

Red and White

Red and White

Red and White

Soldato
Joined
18 Oct 2002
Posts
8,920
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith"
 
A young man asks his granny: Have you seen my pills, the ones I left on
the table? They were labelled "LSD"...

Granny says: **love** the pills, man... Have you seen the dragon in the
kitchen?
 
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not disabled.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”
 
:D at OP and knip's. Here's one I posted a long time ago..



An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument
you like".

An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.

A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from
the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna **** her brains out once I get
Her pyjamas off"

:D
 
Nice!
I have more by the way.

Man walks into a prostitute shop and says
"Ive got 50 quid what can I have for that?"
Woman at the desk says go in the door over on the left. Man goes in, and theres a chicken there, he thinks oh well might as well, and does the deed with the chicken.

Next week he goes back and says
"Ive got 100 quid, what can I have for that?"
Woman at the desk says go in the door on the right. Man goes in, room full of men naked and erm (how can I put this) sorting themselves out, watching a man and a woman at it.

Man joins in too and says to one man,
"hey this is alright isnt it!"
Other man says back to him,
"this is nothing last week there was a man in here ******* a chicken!"
(delete if its too rude)
 
Jimmy Carr Jokes

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say ‘chat’, it was her talking to me for six hours. I didn’t realise that when men say they’re ’spoken for’ that’s actually what they mean. She said “Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that’s a dead end.” So I replied, “That’s not a crossroads, that’s a T-Junction”.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

Sting is always boasting about his eight-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler. Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker. You know this joke works only because it’s true.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

My girlfriends reading a book called “Women who love too much” which I think should have the title shortened, to “*****”.

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?

My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying “Random accidents ahead”, “Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.

I’d like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.
 
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