Soldato
- Joined
- 26 Apr 2004
- Posts
- 9,789
- Location
- Milton Keynes
Im gonna start off by saying what Im trying to say is not very easy for me, so I do apologise if some of what I say comes off as a little self-conscious, or self focused etc, Im generally fairly inwards, and due to past experience I can be somewhat secondguessing and worrying, however something's been playing across my mind, and I'd like some opinions, and whilst perhaps a forums isnt the best place to ask, at least there would be a varying range of viewers and I'd like some perspectives.
To set the record straight, before we begin, its regards a girl.
A year ago approximately, I dated a girl, was really very very fond of her, however we broke up, as some things we probably both did wrong, and I guess perhaps this banged trust a bit, not to mention there was some external issues, like my ex's grandad had just died, and one of her friends hated me, and fancied her himself (as did a couple of others of hers, but I guess Im digressing now), but basically I guess we broke up because of stress and external issues putting pressure on trust, not seeing eye to eye with a few friends (she now no longer talks to the main one afaik) etc, and she made it clear she still really wanted to be friends with me.
At this point, I really wanted her back, however, speaking to her (later on turns out she was likely drunk) on the phone at one point, it seemed she didnt want me to ask her back out (this was a few weeks down the line), so I never did ask her back out, much as I wished to. A little while later, I discovered this may actually have been her drunk, and not quite meaning what she said, and that had I asked when she'd been sober, she may well/likely would have taken me back (I forget the exact words, it was almost a year ago), however by this time, it was a bit too late, or it seemed to me, so I let it be, although it took me a few months 'to get over her'.
Since then, I've spoken to her a bit, mostly letting her contact me, as I guess, in part I was nervous that she'd turn round and throw very horrible things at me like my first girlfriend did, and I didnt want to let myself get hurt like I did the first time round, which tore me apart for several weeks. I guess we've spoken 5 or so times in the 10/11 months its been since we broke up, however some of the calls we did have were fairly long catch up calls, lasting towards an hour, not something you'd generally do if you hated someone.
A few days ago, she told me she broke up with her now-ex, (one of the reasons I'd consigned any hope as lost), because the arguments etc got too much, and we've ended up exchanging a fair few texts. I've tried to be open and tried to forget and put things in the past between us over the months, and almost dated another girl.
However, with my friend telling me shes been sick etc, having a similar thing to what I had, and shes been upset because this has been a fairly big few days, I've found myself feeling worried about her sometimes, and have been trying to make sure shes been doing ok by text. Since we've talked a fair bit for us in the last few days, text and a little via phone, its almost as though some of the stuff I thought had gone away has come back, stuff I didnt really expect myself to still let myself feel, and I found myself thinking about her sometimes, not all the time etc, and the warmth in my chest i used to feel about her every time I spoke and though about her has started to make a comeback, I guess Im a little too emotional for my own good sometimes.
We've arranged to meet up tonight, and have some drinks, only problem is, knowing us two, we'll get completely hammered and more and more thoughts about us have played on my mind, and Im worried I'll slip up when we're drinking, or I'll say something I really shouldnt, or make a move I really shouldnt.
Im trying to work out whether what Im feeling is a resurgence of memories, or immediate lust/desire on my behalf to not be alone etc, or whether its a genuine return of feelings I thought I'd buried and forgotten. Im almost trying to work out what I should do, I've been accused now of being the nice guy (that finishes last), and Im almost worried that tommorrow when drinking, I'll mention *us* or bring up stupidly how if there was ever a chance, I'd still want her back, and whether I should even be worried, because if we're both drunk, any advances etc I could make could be put down as the drink etc talking, and yet at the same time I dont want to seem a cold hearted *******, but more and more Im finding myself wondering what could/would happening if I at least hinted now shes technically free, that I'd want/take her back.
Now that shes single again, considering how we broke up, and despite the time etc, Im not sure why Im wondering what could happen whether we could get back together, and Im not sure why Im thinking about it, i guess I know i shouldnt, yet a small part of me wonders whether she'd ever let us go beyond good friends again, and should/would I do anything tomorrow when under a lot of drinks, in a club alone with her, chatting and catching up.
To put it simply Im lost, and this is rather largely turning out as a brain dump, and Im kinda almost shivering sitting here because Im feeling slightly emotional because as I wrote above Im usually fairly inwards and dont usually sort of talk about this stuff, even with my best mate. I dont really know what to do, because as I said earlier, I dont know whether Im generally having a moment of desire for whatever reason, whether its genuine because we used to bond so well and I generally do still care (not gonna say the cliched 'l' word) and its coming back now we're more in contact again, like they say it can, whether Im just worried about her because shes been sick (but why would I be if I didnt care?!), or what to do about it and whether Im being a selfish ******* who shouldnt even think about this stuff.
Sorry, there's probably more to be said, and I know I probably would have more sort of luck throwing this at a shrink, but its almost like I cant think about anything else, once the lack of distractions have gone away, and I dunno what do do, because Im generally a loyal guy, and tend to devote myself when Im with someone, and whether what Im feeling is meaningful, even as Im stuck here thinking about her, and what happened between us, and what I feel/felt for her as I write this, whether its a phase, or whether I should do, worry, or even care what happens tomorrow along those lines, or whether Im being selfish, which I dont want to be, but then again, I dont want to be someone who's the nice guy, always thinks of others, never makes a move and comes out last.
As I say, sorry this is a brain dump, Im not used to sort of righting out part of my inner workings and I guess it shows, but I guess I just wanted some other experience and sort of perspectives on what I said, and any opinions on what I should do, because generally Im fairly relaxed but this is actually making me feel slightly stressed, like I cant get it off my mind or chest, not to mention when we're proper talking on the phone etc, Im almost feeling the warmth and such as they put it, as I used to feel, or remember feeling.
Generally Im lost, help, opinions/advice/whatever, pls
To set the record straight, before we begin, its regards a girl.
A year ago approximately, I dated a girl, was really very very fond of her, however we broke up, as some things we probably both did wrong, and I guess perhaps this banged trust a bit, not to mention there was some external issues, like my ex's grandad had just died, and one of her friends hated me, and fancied her himself (as did a couple of others of hers, but I guess Im digressing now), but basically I guess we broke up because of stress and external issues putting pressure on trust, not seeing eye to eye with a few friends (she now no longer talks to the main one afaik) etc, and she made it clear she still really wanted to be friends with me.
At this point, I really wanted her back, however, speaking to her (later on turns out she was likely drunk) on the phone at one point, it seemed she didnt want me to ask her back out (this was a few weeks down the line), so I never did ask her back out, much as I wished to. A little while later, I discovered this may actually have been her drunk, and not quite meaning what she said, and that had I asked when she'd been sober, she may well/likely would have taken me back (I forget the exact words, it was almost a year ago), however by this time, it was a bit too late, or it seemed to me, so I let it be, although it took me a few months 'to get over her'.
Since then, I've spoken to her a bit, mostly letting her contact me, as I guess, in part I was nervous that she'd turn round and throw very horrible things at me like my first girlfriend did, and I didnt want to let myself get hurt like I did the first time round, which tore me apart for several weeks. I guess we've spoken 5 or so times in the 10/11 months its been since we broke up, however some of the calls we did have were fairly long catch up calls, lasting towards an hour, not something you'd generally do if you hated someone.
A few days ago, she told me she broke up with her now-ex, (one of the reasons I'd consigned any hope as lost), because the arguments etc got too much, and we've ended up exchanging a fair few texts. I've tried to be open and tried to forget and put things in the past between us over the months, and almost dated another girl.
However, with my friend telling me shes been sick etc, having a similar thing to what I had, and shes been upset because this has been a fairly big few days, I've found myself feeling worried about her sometimes, and have been trying to make sure shes been doing ok by text. Since we've talked a fair bit for us in the last few days, text and a little via phone, its almost as though some of the stuff I thought had gone away has come back, stuff I didnt really expect myself to still let myself feel, and I found myself thinking about her sometimes, not all the time etc, and the warmth in my chest i used to feel about her every time I spoke and though about her has started to make a comeback, I guess Im a little too emotional for my own good sometimes.
We've arranged to meet up tonight, and have some drinks, only problem is, knowing us two, we'll get completely hammered and more and more thoughts about us have played on my mind, and Im worried I'll slip up when we're drinking, or I'll say something I really shouldnt, or make a move I really shouldnt.
Im trying to work out whether what Im feeling is a resurgence of memories, or immediate lust/desire on my behalf to not be alone etc, or whether its a genuine return of feelings I thought I'd buried and forgotten. Im almost trying to work out what I should do, I've been accused now of being the nice guy (that finishes last), and Im almost worried that tommorrow when drinking, I'll mention *us* or bring up stupidly how if there was ever a chance, I'd still want her back, and whether I should even be worried, because if we're both drunk, any advances etc I could make could be put down as the drink etc talking, and yet at the same time I dont want to seem a cold hearted *******, but more and more Im finding myself wondering what could/would happening if I at least hinted now shes technically free, that I'd want/take her back.
Now that shes single again, considering how we broke up, and despite the time etc, Im not sure why Im wondering what could happen whether we could get back together, and Im not sure why Im thinking about it, i guess I know i shouldnt, yet a small part of me wonders whether she'd ever let us go beyond good friends again, and should/would I do anything tomorrow when under a lot of drinks, in a club alone with her, chatting and catching up.
To put it simply Im lost, and this is rather largely turning out as a brain dump, and Im kinda almost shivering sitting here because Im feeling slightly emotional because as I wrote above Im usually fairly inwards and dont usually sort of talk about this stuff, even with my best mate. I dont really know what to do, because as I said earlier, I dont know whether Im generally having a moment of desire for whatever reason, whether its genuine because we used to bond so well and I generally do still care (not gonna say the cliched 'l' word) and its coming back now we're more in contact again, like they say it can, whether Im just worried about her because shes been sick (but why would I be if I didnt care?!), or what to do about it and whether Im being a selfish ******* who shouldnt even think about this stuff.
Sorry, there's probably more to be said, and I know I probably would have more sort of luck throwing this at a shrink, but its almost like I cant think about anything else, once the lack of distractions have gone away, and I dunno what do do, because Im generally a loyal guy, and tend to devote myself when Im with someone, and whether what Im feeling is meaningful, even as Im stuck here thinking about her, and what happened between us, and what I feel/felt for her as I write this, whether its a phase, or whether I should do, worry, or even care what happens tomorrow along those lines, or whether Im being selfish, which I dont want to be, but then again, I dont want to be someone who's the nice guy, always thinks of others, never makes a move and comes out last.
As I say, sorry this is a brain dump, Im not used to sort of righting out part of my inner workings and I guess it shows, but I guess I just wanted some other experience and sort of perspectives on what I said, and any opinions on what I should do, because generally Im fairly relaxed but this is actually making me feel slightly stressed, like I cant get it off my mind or chest, not to mention when we're proper talking on the phone etc, Im almost feeling the warmth and such as they put it, as I used to feel, or remember feeling.
Generally Im lost, help, opinions/advice/whatever, pls
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Make her aware in every way that you haven't been pining after her but have been awesome. Don't chat about the past with her, talk about the past without her! Arrange for a group of mates to meet you later so she isn't getting 100% of the attention all night. Make her think "damn, I know he was a nice bloke when I was with him, but now he's awesome as well, what have I been missing?". Now you've reversed the tables and make her want you....now use that power in whichever way you want, but if you want to get back with her don't pull her (yet!)! That's giving in! Play games, have fun be awesome!!
Im sure the good members of ocuk will advice you on what to do. Goodluck.
