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Getting caught short

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by TimTom, Feb 22, 2019.

  1. TimTom

    Associate

    Joined: Mar 18, 2016

    Posts: 91

    Alright, I’ll confess up front, but I love a bit of ‘toilet humour’. Nothing gets me laughing louder and I’ve been meaning for weeks to post something from a book I’ve been reading, called “In the Nick of Time” which is a recollection of UK policing in the seventies.

    But I actually had a horror incident myself this morning when I got badly caught short in my van on the way to work. I’ve been a bit clogged up, so to speak, for the past few days so I took what was advertised as a gentle laxative last night. Gentle! They have got to be joking. I had a major eruption when I got up and thought that had sorted it but not even half way to work, I realised another one was brewing. I was in a right panic as I hit major traffic on the M25 and by the time I reached the Chertsey turn-off I was beyond desperate and almost standing up in the driver’s seat trying to contain myself. I was almost resigned to doing something I haven’t done before in my adult life when I finally got off the motorway and headed to a supermarket. Fortunately they had toilets that were open otherwise it would have been game over.

    I’m not sure whether to write a letter of apology to the store cleaners but the sensation as I finished the journey to work was one of ecstasy. I daren't say this to my missus but I felt like I’d given birth! I could hardly stop chuckling to myself that I’d actually made it. Those laxatives were murderous and need to come with a serious health warning. I had a couple more blow-outs during the day at work, too.

    Anyway, back to the “In the Nick of Time” book. There’s a really funny story in there about a young copper who goes out on foot patrol complaining of having a dodgy stomach. You can guess what happens to him in the end but the pitiful radio call out in the street, “Sarge, I’ve **** myself!” paints a very amusing picture.

    My own experience was embarrassing but the circumstances were nowhere near as bad as the policeman’s.

    So, where’s the worst place you’ve been caught short?
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2019
  2. Raymond Lin

    Capo Crimine

    Joined: Oct 20, 2002

    Posts: 62,936

    Location: Wish i was in New York

    Well that’s crap.
     
  3. robfosters

    Caporegime

    Joined: Dec 1, 2010

    Posts: 28,982

    Location: Welling, London

    At a funeral.

    Very close friend so right up the front. Deceased's son was reading a eulogy and I had that sharp attacking spike in your bottom that signals the arrival of the *****. I was clenching so hard I could feel my face flushing. I couldn’t bring myself to walk out as it was a funeral, so I kept clenching.

    The funeral went on for another ten minutes. I rushed out only to realise the church had no toilets. I would normally go in the bushes, but it seemed a bit off in a cemetery. Luckily the pub where we was having the wake was just over the road, so I got there as fast as I could without unclenching and made it into the toilet.

    I sat down and let it all out. Sad thing was, I’d just buried my mate, but that was one of the happiest moments of my life.
     
  4. JBuk

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 28, 2002

    Posts: 10,803

    Location: Cumbria

    When I used to go scuba diving in the Uk I always took a loo roll with me as most dive sites we n the middle of nowhere

    I once had to snap one off next to a popular footpath and there was nowhere to hide behind, I’ve never had a dump so fast , just as it was peeking out I could hear a load of ramblers heading my way

    Another time in Tennerife at the end of a heavy evening me and my mate were heading back to the hotel wen I got a sudden and painful urge, the pressure was immense so I scuttled off into some kind of underground mini shopping court, I laid a massive pile of what looked similar to soggy weetabix when I heard my mate calling on me to hurry as somebody was coming, as I hurried off i looked back and saw 2 police officers head down to my ‘patch’ , I suspect they were probably impressed with the size of the load I released rather than angry
     
  5. robfosters

    Caporegime

    Joined: Dec 1, 2010

    Posts: 28,982

    Location: Welling, London

    You realise you’ve just ruined weetabix for me?
     
  6. Malevolence

    Capodecina

    Joined: Oct 21, 2011

    Posts: 12,306

    Always have a carrier bag with you. Leg through each handle and use it like a reverse nosebag.
     
  7. Rroff

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 13, 2006

    Posts: 62,142

    Fortunately I've never been caught short needing a ****.

    I know someone who claims to have done something similar to what Jeremy Clarkson was talking about in the latest episode of TG though - caught in traffic on the way to the airport in a hire car after a few nights of boozing.
     
  8. Roland Butter

    Perma Banned

    Joined: Apr 13, 2017

    Posts: 971

    Location: scotland

    Explain.
     
  9. VincentHanna

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jul 30, 2013

    Posts: 17,804

    I've had to **** in very dense wooded area/bush once when walking the dog over a massive county park. It just came from nowhere and I didn't have time to get to the toilets at the car park, plus I didn't want to leave the dog tied up there anyway.

    Made sure nobody was around, took her in with me, tied her to a tree, got the trousers and boxers down.

    The world fell out of my arse and luckily I had some tissues on me!

    Awful, I hope nobody has to go through that.
     
  10. Rroff

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 13, 2006

    Posts: 62,142

    Took a **** on one of the floor mats, dropped the car off at the rental place and never heard anything about it again.

    (Mind you I've heard a few variants of that story in my time).
     
  11. Boycey0211

    Soldato

    Joined: Apr 27, 2011

    Posts: 5,485

    Location: Norfolk

    Yup, drove home thinking I was unloaded, stomach cramps set in about 20 mins from home with no services.

    Cramps got worse and worse as I get closer to home, by the time im pulling into my street I'm begging my ricker to hold out for another 30 seconds.

    It did, but the motion involved with getting out of the car and sprinting to the back door did the rest. Managed to get the key into the door before filling my pants with a watery, lumpy combo.

    Best part was, I live at work during the week and was only nipping back for my smart shoes for an event the next day, all my clothes were at my work address.

    Cue a commando drive back in shame with my garage trousers on.
     
  12. Roland Butter

    Perma Banned

    Joined: Apr 13, 2017

    Posts: 971

    Location: scotland

    I didn't think that bell-end Clarkson could go down any further in my estimation, but he proved me wrong, what a repellent person he is.
     
  13. pinkpound

    Wise Guy

    Joined: May 31, 2005

    Posts: 1,262

    I was out 1 night sat in this scruffy little pub and got that awful rumble in my stomach and a burst of cramps . Ran to the toilet tofind it was blocked and water was basically at seat level with turds floating around like ducks on it. I'd only had a shandy as I was driving till I dropped car off later so I decided to drive to my Grans which was closest . I didn't make it and **** my self in the car and couldn't clean the seat(just liquid with the odd lump) it till next day due to spending all night on the toilet.
     
  14. Dup

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Mar 10, 2006

    Posts: 9,834

    Location: East Lancs

    Not quite let go of myself in public yet but almost lost my insides on two half marathons last year. One I had to drive into some village hall with posh looking loos then during the last mile it hit me again and I had to run through the kitchen of an unopened pub and beg to use the loo much to the chef's amusement.

    I did however come home from a night out when I was living with my parents,went to bed then woke up and mistook my dad's office chair as the toilet in the middle of the night. Must have been a good night out, I remember nothing!
     
  15. Rroff

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 13, 2006

    Posts: 62,142

    In Clarkson's case his son projectile vomited all over the back of their rental and he folded down the rear seats so it wasn't obvious and legged it.

    I've heard a few variants of that story though some probably more true than others.
     
  16. Terminal_Boy

    Soldato

    Joined: Apr 13, 2013

    Posts: 6,385

    Location: La France

    I find the nearest McDonalds when I need to curl out a McLog.
     
  17. Scam

    Capodecina

    Joined: Oct 20, 2002

    Posts: 12,866

    Location: London

    Short but sweet. An ex-colleague of mine once told me how he had a roaring night out in the west end and ended up somewhere near Park Lane in the early hours. He was trying to figure out a way home and wandered in his drunken stupor over to Marble Arch (the actually monument thing). He then realised he had a stupendous urge for a number 2, it was 3am or something, he was miles away from anything open. So he had to take a dump on Marble Arch, where all the tramps/gypsies camp. He had nothing on him to clean up apart from a couple of receipts lol.

    I think of it every time I get the central line and go past Marble Arch :p
     
  18. builder22

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Dec 14, 2005

    Posts: 2,390

    ffs :D
     
  19. snips86x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 14, 2012

    Posts: 15,542

    Location: Wiltshire

    ffs :D this thread has me ticked LMFAO :D
    Amazing!!
     
  20. bainbridge

    Mobster

    Joined: Dec 9, 2009

    Posts: 3,090

    Location: Bristol

    The only few times I've been caught short out in the wild, it's turned out to be a massive one the size of a child's forearm.