how do you gain confidence

ash59 · 26 Apr 2006 at 19:58

How do you gain confidence, iv always been a bit on the quite side, pretty shy, im ok one to one but i seem to loose my confidence in groups,im easy going and i like a laugh, i like the way i am in a way, but people take advantage , I find it hard to stand up for myself , maybe im just too good natured, do any of you guys have the same problem , would be nice to hear from you, thanks ash.

Gilly · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:01

I had a massive confidence problem a few years ago.

It got to the point where I was annoyed at myself because I was missing out on opportunities through being shy. So I decided to do something about it.

I suppose in essence what I really did was create an alter-ego. Someone that could bully the shy guy into submission. I think I'm now a blend of those two sides of me. It worked remarkably well

I don't think many people that met me would realise I'm a shy person.

It does help having good friends. For a long time I was knocking about with people that only cared about themselves. Improving that score really made a difference.

Hugogo · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:02

I found exposure to situations where you need the confidence helps a lot. I used to be rubbish at talking to new groups of people until iwent to places where i didnt know anyone.

Worked for me.

Lummux · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:07

Join a club or something, then you'll gain it real quick.

One More Solo · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:08

Well, you need to work out why you're not confident and do something about it. Most people don't like something about themselves whether they choose to admit it or not, and it's the sort of thing you need to identify and learn to live with to feel better about yourself.

Gilly · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:09

One More Solo said:
Well, you need to work out why you're not confident and do something about it. Most people don't like something about themselves whether they choose to admit it or not, and it's the sort of thing you need to identify and learn to live with to feel better about yourself.

If you've never had to deal with a lack of confidence its an alien prospect.

Shyness is something a lot of people have to deal with and those that have never had to deal with it will not understand it.

Pebbles · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:17

Wow Gilly, I'd not have guessed at all.

I'm the same to a point, I'm really shy/awkward, and I think to most people I come across as being standoffish and rude. The Liverpool meet was all my worst nightmares rolled into one, but its something I had to force myself to do. I've missed such a lot of things because of it, but about a year ago I though ****it, and like Gilly I invented a new persona, tried to act like the person I wanted to be. It's getting easier, and it's not so much acting now as it used to be, but I still struggle. Apparently I wring my hands too!

One More Solo · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:20

Gilly said:
If you've never had to deal with a lack of confidence its an alien prospect.

Shyness is something a lot of people have to deal with and those that have never had to deal with it will not understand it.

I'm just talking about what worked for me, last year I was scared of my own shadow in a social situation.

Arcade Fire · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:27

I dealt with it by jumping in the deep end - I came to university being quite shy and not really being confident of making friends, but I was forced to because if I hadn't done, my life would have been crap. I recommend putting yourself in a situation where you can't be shy - try starting something like an evening class where you don't know anyone else. Also, Gilly's idea of creating an alter-ego is a good one. Just try and subdue the shy side of you as much as you can - don't deliberate over whether to say something, just say it. Shout other people down if necessary

.

I'm sure I'll get flak for this one, but alcohol helped me overcome my confidence problems as well. Some people might see it as pathetic, but it really worked, so that's all good in my book.

Greenlizard0 · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:34

ash59 said:
How do you gain confidence, iv always been a bit on the quite side, pretty shy, im ok one to one but i seem to loose my confidence in groups,im easy going and i like a laugh, i like the way i am in a way, but people take advantage , I find it hard to stand up for myself , maybe im just too good natured, do any of you guys have the same problem , would be nice to hear from you, thanks ash.

Not being funny - why was this your first ever post?

I found that just getting out there and talking to people helped a lot. I know it's an old cliché but once you start doing so you'll appear more positive. This in turn, causes people to look at you, respect you in what is probably a different light. This in turn allows you to sort of grow out and develop a big ego - which is what confident people tend to have.

Ex-RoNiN · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:36

ash59 said:
How do you gain confidence, iv always been a bit on the quite side, pretty shy, im ok one to one but i seem to loose my confidence in groups,im easy going and i like a laugh, i like the way i am in a way, but people take advantage , I find it hard to stand up for myself , maybe im just too good natured, do any of you guys have the same problem , would be nice to hear from you, thanks ash.

Go learn a martial art. YOu're forced to talk to people, and by learning a martial art you gain self-awareness and self-confidence.

quadboi · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:37

Martial arts, give it ago, meet lots of people

Based it on the recommendation above ^^^^^

PardonTheWait · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:37

Drink a bit more when you're out, but don't go looney.

In fact. Go out and get ****faced and make an arse of yourself. Then whatever you do relatively sober will be nothing compared to that. Makes it much easier

Gilly · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:38

Arcade Fire said:
I'm sure I'll get flak for this one, but alcohol helped me overcome my confidence problems as well. Some people might see it as pathetic, but it really worked, so that's all good in my book.

Anything that helps. Dif'rent for dif'rent folks.

It probably helped me too thinking about it.

KaHn · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:39

Mohinder said:
Drink a bit more when you're out, but don't go looney.

In fact. Go out and get ****faced and make an arse of yourself. Then whatever you do relatively sober will be nothing compared to that. Makes it much easier

A mixture of that and gillys approach, I basically decided who care what other people think of me, I know the people who matter in my life like me for who I am so pretty much balls to everyone else

KaHn

benjo · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:40

Yep, as others have said. Actually doing something where you need the confidence helps to get you used to it

Btw.. a very unusual 1st post.

Welcome to the forums

Psyk · 26 Apr 2006 at 20:50

I hate it when people say you should just be yourself when you ask a question like this. It's the most useless piece of advice ever, it doesn't really even mean anything. I have some confidence problems, not a big problem but still something I'd like to improve. The problem I have with the alter-ego approach is that I wouldn't be able to do it convincingly. I've been around too many people that have tried it and failed miserably, and it was ultimately the reason not many people liked them.

Haly · 26 Apr 2006 at 21:25

Gilly said:
It does help having good friends. For a long time I was knocking about with people that only cared about themselves. Improving that score really made a difference.

Yup that makes sense to me. I still find I have to remind myself that people care about what I think and me as a person, otherwise I just automatically assume I'm not important in any way.....although guess that's a self esteem thing rather than confidence.

Personally, I try to throw myself into things now. I still chicken out sometimes, I still look back at some nights out and think 'I wish I'd just done that instead of think about it and change my mind' etc but I think I'm getting there slowly. In recent times the main two things that have forced me to do so (which obviously I haven't backed out of) is going to ocuk meets and my work.
Ocuk meets started out being extremely hard for me to go to, and I'd be extremely nervous. Think I'm getting better now although still not quite there imo. I know I'm much better with small groups of people that I know well, but I'd like to be able to extend that to large groups like I know some people can.

Work.....as it's a sales job I don't really get a choice about being confident so it's taught me to go for it and be able to approach people and ask them questions and have a bit of banter with them. If I hadn't had gained more confidence with the job in the last couple of months I would have been fired, so it's a good incentive

Not really provided an answer I guess, but I don't think there is a simple answer to gaining confidence. I still can't figure out why I have low confidence, I just know I want to sort it. And eventually, hopefully i'll be happy with me as a person.

Gilly · 26 Apr 2006 at 21:27

Self esteem is a big part of self confidence

I wanna hear how Desmo's got on. I think he's changed massively since the first time I met him, and all of it for the better. He thought he was painfully shy at first IIRC.

Haly · 26 Apr 2006 at 21:29

Gilly said:
Self esteem is a big part of self confidence

Yeah it seems to all be interlinked a fair bit, which can be bloody annoying at times

I think some people (not saying anyone here, just in general) don't quite understand how frustrating it can be.

Hopefully one day I can look back and go 'I'm nothing like that anymore'.

how do you gain confidence

Woman of Honour

Woman of Honour