How to resolve this? (I think my heads broke)

[cyKey]

I'm not good at confronting people but I feel that I need to get closure on this situation or I'm just going to be stuck in the past bouncing it around my head. Here's the info;

Friday night and my mate rings inviting me to go see Wallace and Gromit (yes this is how long I've left this). I explained that i don't like to goto the cinema much as people annoy me too much for me to enjoy the film. I get very agitated and wound up with irritating habbits like nail biting, eating with your mouth open and such. I said i want to be a good friend so i'll do my best. I had told him that another mate and i wanted to go see Serenity to which he said he had no problem going to the cinema 2 nights in a row. So on the idea what we were going to see Serenity the next night I thought it only fair to go see his film on the Fridy night. So we went to see wallace and gromit and i did have issues. We're leaving the cinema and i was a bit stressed and making my usual attempt at comedy jokes about passers by when he snaps at me and proceeds to have a go at me all the way home. I assume he thought something like tough love would make me snap outa my silly games. He was clearly annoyed and I told him that it was good that he felt how I felt for once.

Anyway, i spend the night feeling like completely depressed as i tried to get over things and i just felt like i would always be this way. I was really broken up. The next morning came and i put it behind me and invited my 2 mates to a gig. After the gig we went to get food and i had very low blood sugar. I needed something to eat but the guy from the previous night wanted to go to some fancy bar and look at women. I was rather very annoyed. I was only out of hospital for 4 weeks after my gall bladder operation and I was very very low on blood sugar. I kept telling him that I could black out at any moment. We tried one bar who said they weren't serving food anymore and I said lets just goto BK. He was very angry at my suggestion. BK being next door and me needing anything quickly. Eventually we found a place to eat and he bought me a coke. It may not seem like much but I haven't touched the stuff in like 4 years due to migranes. He knows that, or at least he should know that since we've been friends for 15 years. Then he suggested we go around the bars in liverpool. On any other night I would be up for that. I'm a music photographer so that *is* what I do. However that night I really felt like everything had been thrown back into my face. No mention of going to the cinema, no "oh yer you just came outa hospital lets get you some food" or anything. Just my mate being manipulative. As soon as we were in Liverpool city center and he had the opportunity to go clubbing he took it. He used to ring me up a lot and try to get me to go out. He would say anything and twist anything I said to get me there. I have however changed since those days I do enjoy going out. When I look back on a lot of things he says he often manipulates things and says anything to get his way. After we left the resturant I just dragged behind my mates. I knew I should have just walked off to my car and drove home but I lacked the confidence to really have a go at the guy. That made me more depressed than angry so I just sulked for the rest of the night while we walked around some bars.

I just couldn't be bothered arguing with him. He wouldn't understand, he never does. On our way home he asked my other mate for his mobile number which to me felt like he was saying "Pete's a dead loss, but if you gimme your number we'll hang out". Its been nearly 4 months and I haven't seen either of them. I know exactly what my mate is thinking. He thinks I just didn't want to go around Liverpool and wanted to stay home playing games. Its not like that at all. I'm off out this evening to a bar and Thursday and etc. I just felt like I was stuck in the ocean trying desperately to paddle towards the shore when I saw a hand that I thought was going to help and instead burst my boat. I do miss hanging out with them and it would be nice to have some company at gigs.

The thing is that even if I did fix this situation I would still have a very big issue with him and thats his habbits. Both him and my Dad are the same in that they are incredibly irritating. My mate often jiggles his legs up and down, rubs his hands ALL day, bites his nails, takes his watch off to fiddle with it, spins his foot, eats/talks with his mouth full, and various other stupid things that shouldn't bother me but do. My Dad's the same. He often talks to me while fiddling with his pocket change. How am I supposed to concentrate with that distraction? So hanging out with my mate and then coming home makes me very on edge waiting for the next stupid irritation to set me off. So even if I did sort one problem I would be stuck with the other. While we would hang out again I would just end up getting fustrated and I'd make stupid sarcastic comments.

So Any ideas where I should go from here? Don't say nut house I feel like I want to shout at him and rub the fact that I'm going out to gigs weekly in his face. He totally missed out on seeing 35 bands in one week from this. He told me if I don't sort myself out that I'd loose friends. *He* did all this to me and do feel like I want him to feel like he's lost my friendship through this. But then I think about how other people are able to work out far worse things than this and move on. So... what should I do? Don't say go drinking

 

[cyKey]

get over it

Cheers mate, big help

 

[cyKey]

I'm on my pda so a quick reply. Habbits have been annoying me for like 5 years. I'm trying to solve it but I have no idea how to. I'm telling people off for doing them as I think its the feeling of being unable to sort it thats the problem. It really is too hard to concentrate sometimes. It winds me up so much I feel like I have to break something. God knows why and I hate being unable to relax around friends of 15 years. As for my manipulative mate. He's came up with excuses to walk through dodgy parts of town in the opposite way to the pub claiming he knows the way when clearly he wants to stalk some girl. Speaking of the girl, I met her recently and she did (jokingly?) say he stalked her. Hmmmm. Oh its not you DRZ . Oh a good example is why Homer hangs out with Ned doing good things and Ned snaps at him in church for breathing through his nose. I feel like that a lot but unable to do anything.

 

[cyKey]

gotta look at the bigger picture, not BIG problems, just small issues tbh

A lot of small issues become a big problem.

 

[cyKey]

'Get over it' is probably the best post here. There are definitely some issues here mate, and in m opinion they aren't with him they are with you. You sum it up perfectly with ' *He* told me if I don't sort myself out that I'd loose (sic) friends '. To me, that sounds like something a true friend would say. Its blatant, its harsh, but its true. However, you aren't willing to blame yourself only others. You seem very self centered in all of your assumptions. For isntance, your friend asking for your other friends phone number. Why do you assume he is rejecting you? Is ti not possible he maybe thought the other guy was a decent bloke? It wont be until you look on the inside that you might be able to sort out your problems on the outside.

There is some truth to that, but you don't know my mate. I assumed he rejected me since he hasn't called in 4 months. He normally calls after 2 weeks thinking its been a long time. He really does try to manipulate people. For example. He wanted to go to a pasta resturant because he loves pasta. I said I don't eat pasta so he said they'll do steak. I said of course they won't. He said his usual "you never know". 10 mins later, checked the menu and oh gosh shock no steak. He did that exact same thing that night too. I was desperate for food due to my low blood sugar and he checked out the local pasta place. I said I can't eat anything there and he told me I was being silly. If your "mate" had said anything to get you to go see a film he wanted to see, even if you didn't want to see it then was very harsh with you after it and then didn't stick to his word after you had tried to move on and deal with things you may feel a bit let down too. Like I said, I'd been fine with going clubbing if only he hadn't been a jerk all evening. One thing after another. The pasta place, telling me in a very stern voice "no we are not going to BK" when it was next door and i'm shaking, sweating and god knows how far from blacking out, buying me a drink I hadn't drank for 4 years, and then taking away the one thing I had been looking forward to all day just so he could perv at women. Its not just me that thinks this too, another of my mates does agree with me. Sure I do have issues but then so does this guy.

you need to chillout seriously i thought i looked into things too much!

I don't know how to.

I think I'd stop inviting you out too if those little things wound you up.

Which is exactly why I've kept it to myself for so many years.

This sounds a lot like how I used to feel cyKey.

After rereading your post it sounds like you're on the same path I was. Not very self-confident or assertive, not saying anything at the time and avoiding confrontation, wishing I'd said something and getting wound up because I hadn't, and getting annoyed at niggles rather than at the real cause. This ended up with a three year period of depression which was probably the worst time of my life. Does this sound like you're in the same boat?

If so, then I really, really suggest you find the motivation from somewhere, anywhere, to deal with it, because it sounds like it's affecting your day-to-day life to a significant degree. And the bad news is it will continue to do this until you do something about it. The good news is that it means you can do something about it, it's not something that someone else is doing and therefore out of your control. Maybe you can't do it alone, but you alone can do it.

For your own sake dude don't just sit there and do nothing, do something positive whatever it is. Remember - people can only treat you like that if you allow them to. Tell yourself that you aren't going to put up with it, then tell them. And tell them in such a way that the message gets through. I find it helps to think of the result I want and then work backwards from that to decide on the best course of action.

Go for it.

Sounds totally like me. I can be as happy as a butterfly on a flower until one small thing like my Dad biting his nails and me unable to say anything brings me right down. But I've thought for so long that if I'm constantly telling everyone to stop biting their nails, jiggling legs, and doing 100 other annoying things everyone will end up hating me because I'm annoying them. Oh fun and games

Try professional help on why such ridiculous little things annoy you so much, they may be able to help you " get over it".

I did once because it was affecting my work. There was this guy who bounced his leg ALL day. It was in the corner of my eye all day and when I moved my stupid brain adjusted and I started noticing the vibrations in my desk instead. So all day my desk would vibrate and I knew it was him causing it. I was wound up every day at work. This woman told me that in those circumstances people should try to focus on something else, like a ticking clock to distract them. I've tried that. It just doesn't work for me.

get over it

I want to sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I just don't know how.

 

[cyKey]

Go see a Doctor or someone like that.

Yes, habits can be annoying, and I'd get peeved if someone was eating with their mouth open in front of me, or jigging my desk up and down; but there are ways and ways of dealing with these things. It doesn't sound like you handle them very well, so it'd be worth seeing someone to get that sorted.

I did last year and he gave me something that made me yawn every minute for an hour. That didn't quite help He did say it could be a mild form of OCD :/

 

[cyKey]

Its good to see that it wasn't all in my head I've I'm going to be honest I've already saught professional help and been advised. It didn't really help, though saying that there was one tip I've been unable to do. That was to move out and get some place where I can relax. I can't afford that as I'm trying to establish myself as a photographer and I have 0 money. Joy

 

[cyKey]

Have an art exhibit - make lots of money while becoming famous = move out!

Problem solved!

Hehe I did look into that, there are only 5 photo galleries in the UK now. One is in Liverpool but its all about social commentary and stuff.

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder describes a disorder of perfectionism and inflexibility. Symptoms may include distress associated with indecisiveness and difficulty in expressing tender feelings, feelings of depression, and anger about being controlled by others

Just found that. That is SO me. I may ring up the docs tomorrow before this thread becomes too medical

 

[cyKey]

Right well that was fun. I rang my mate to sort things out and he was like "Clearly its taken months to get back to me and clearly you don't give a ****. The way you treated me I wouldn't treat a dog or a child. Have a nice life *hangs up*". Well he was some friend. Never accepted I had social anxiety issues even after I saw a psycologist. Never fully accepted my hypoglycemia. Now when I try and sort things out he throws it back in my face. He says I treated him like turd so does the same and never speaks to me again, what the? Sure maybe I was withdrawn and sarcastic. I get so wound up I can't help it. Now here I am trying to work on it knowing others have the same problems and I get nothing. I've read all about this OCPD thing and it defiently sounds like me. Would he do the same to someone with OCD who kept doing odd things? Gah. What a total ****.

 

[cyKey]

Yer gotta put it behind me. Just so hard hearing someone say that to me. I don't swear at my friends. Sure I may be sarcastic when I'm wound up but I never get angry like that. Kinda hard trying to remove his voice from my head and to stop shaking. I've lost 2 friends now since hes taken the other one. So thats pretty much it for all my friends that I grew up with. I hate that he said I don't care when I've been agonising over it all this time. Ok, brave face time as I go and say hi to my folks and off to a gig. I doubt I could tell them what he did without breaking down.

 

[cyKey]

It sounds like you are acting like a spoilt brat and need to grow up.

whats a spoilt brat got to do with wanting to solve low blood sugar?

 

[cyKey]

lol I'll give that a go. You're right, I haven't lost a friend. Funny thing was that I emailed the other guy who was with us that night and he was like "Oh yer I know how you feel, don't worry about it. Still got that DVD to watch."

 

[cyKey]

What exactly are you conentrating on? Almost everybody has habbits, playing with there hair, scratching their nose etc. I'm sure if you asked people they would say you had annoying behaviour as well. Are they just supposed to sit/stand there motionless so not to break your "concentration" again what are you having to concentrate on if somebody is just talking to you

The conversation. Its *that* distracting for me to have someone biting their nails, fiddling with there pocket change etc that I just can't focus. Yes I do have annoying behaviour, but I'm not a fidgety person. I don't bite my nails, make clicking sounds with my mouth, making odd sounds with my tounge, bounce my legs, fiddle with my watch, pick my nails, fiddle with change, shake pocket for no apparent reason making yet more money changling sounds after closing doors, and so on. When you notice things like that every day I find I'm always on edge waiting for something to happen.

I don't have problems talking to other mates. They don't fidget. But my Dad and this guy are identical. When I was working with a fidgety person, came home to a fidgety parent and then went out with a fidgety mate, it was far too much.

From the sound of its your health has been a big issue in the past and you seem to want to project that when you go out, to me it sounds like your out for peoples sympathy.

No not really. I never really talk about my health. I'm generally able to ignore things and not complain about headaches and things. I never take sick days. However, when I'm shaking, sweating, feeling like hell, about to blackout and get treated like its a joke by a friend of 15 years I do feel rather upset. Especially since I was in hospital having my gall bladder removed only 4 weeks before and that had been my first real day out in about 2 months.

If you suffer from low blood sugar levels carry sweets or glucose with you don't make it a problem to those with you. I have a friend he is a diabetic and he always wanted to "control" our nights out by saying we had to do "this and that" because otherwise he would black out. In the end we told him straight that if he came out with us that we would just have our "normal" night out and he was welcome to come with us but he had to manange his wellbeing it wasn't down to all of us.

It is so random. I have no idea when it may occur and I thought I was 5 minutes away from food. I mentioned to my mates that I was feeling like I had low blood sugar so we should get something to eat. 30 minutes later I was feeling terrible and we were looking for somewhere suitable for my "friend". He wanted to goto the pasta place because he loves pasta. He always goes on about pasta. I don't eat Italian food. What was I supposed to eat there? I was told I was being silly. Was I supposed to just place nice and magically like pasta? This was the 2nd time he's tried to get us to go to a pasta resturant. I told him the first time I can't eat anything there but he assured me they do steak. Of course they don't do steak! We looked at the menu and there was no steak. Would it have been *that* hard to say "Ok we'll nip to Boots and get you a sugary drink then head out to a bar?"

You sound like your hanging on too tight matey and I would recommend professional help.

HEADRAT

I tried it. Their best idea was to get a place of my own so I can have some place where I'm at peace, but I'm trying to establish myself as a photographer and I barely have any money.

 

[cyKey]

Whose advice was this? The GP's or did they refer you? If it was the GP then go back and tell them you want a referal. Ask to see another GP in the practise if needs be. Dont be fobbed off....you're talking about you're overall health and mental wellbeing, dont let one bad piece of advice close the door on the best chance you have of getting yourself sorted.

It was a professional psycologists that I had been seeing about social anxiety issues. I also discussed my irritations with them and that was their best piece of advice. They suggested that I have a ticking clock on my desk at work and that I should concentrate on that to distract myself from other issues.

 

[cyKey]

I'll try and get an appointment on Tuesday. I'm out all day Monday at a conference. If I were to move out I would do flatsharing. I couldn't afford a place of my own and I wouldn't want to be on my own for the reasons you've stated. It would be good to live with other people. I think