How to stop being so immature/jealous

[sports_brah]

I realise this is a bit of a immature post, but I want to get over myself in the new year.

Basically the question is; how do I grow as a person to be more secure in myself and stop being so jealous about my girlfriend?

An understandable question maybe if I was 17, But I'm in my early 20's....

 

[sports_brah]

I understand the issue is 90% with me, and that if I was a more confident person in myself it wouldn't be an issue.

 

[sports_brah]

The issue is 100% with you and is less about confidence than it is trust.

In short - you should break up with your girlfriend. For her sake, not yours.

This is a very interesting post....

So you reckon I'm not a particularly trusting individual? How does one go about changing that?

 

[sports_brah]

I have self confidence issues, no doubt about that. Whilst I feel I'm falling prey of FNG_Magnolias signatures, I can say that I have low self esteem and haven't yet found my feet in the world.

The question about whether she is untrustworthy or not, I'm finding it hard to differentiate between my feelings on the matter and the truth.

First off, it's worth stating that if I didn't like her enormously......I wouldn't be in a relationship with her. She is a wonderful girl who I am always happy to spend my time with.

90% of the time there is no issue, it's not like everyday I'm gnawing my paws off thinking about the worst case scenario etc.

It's just the occasional things that niggle. For example, having made plans to see someone she knew a couple of years ago. To what extent did she know him? I don't have a clue.

But it irked me something wicked.

 

[sports_brah]

I have no idea, I"m only replying to what you said in your OP. When you say you're jealous of your girlfriend, I imagine you mean you worry that she will do something (or someone, ha!) that you don't approve of? Or is this an academic thread where you're concerned that she's brighter than you and will shine more fully at Uni than you might ever do because, and this is a universal truth, if it's the latter no one cares. Even if it's the first one, it's barely tolerable.

You 'get over yourself' (this is not a term adults use in any meaningful way and is a clue that you were correct in your own self-diagosis) by growing up and learning and trusting and being trustworthy. In my opinion.

How old are you and how old is she or he? If you're both 16 years old I'm going to be really annoyed about wasting the time it took to type this.

e : also, welcome (or re-welcome) to the forums!

It's nothing about intelligence, we're both smart academically. I'm honestly not bothered about superficial things like that!

The issue I have is that I have a view to things in the long term, and the last thing I'd want would be to develop things with this girl and to be found incompatible , which would be bad for both me and her.

Basically the premise is this:

I like her enormously and would seriously consider taking things further. And whilst I know she likes me enormously as well, I've got a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that she has qualms about something. What it is I'm not sure.

And we're both in our 20's.

If you can't pin down something she's done that's untrustworthy, it's you.

Do you feel she's "better than you"?

Flip the situation round - if you wanted to meet up with an old friend, how would you feel if your partner mistrusted you so much they automatically thought you were "up to something"?

If they were just friends, why would I care? I don't see an issue with a girl having friends that are boys. However as stated I'm not sure to what their previous relationship status was.

And I don't think she's better than me, though she is more social than me.

 

[sports_brah]

Depends, if your girl friend is going out all the time on the town with her mates?

I have no issue with her going out and having a good few drinks. If I thought she could not be trusted to go out and have some drinks, then that would be a complete no go relationship wise!

 

[sports_brah]

So you have a choice.

Make the best of the relationship now, don't sabotage it by pushing her away due to not trusting her, and find out down the line whether it a) works or b) doesn't work.

Or

Don't trust her, she gets fed up with constantly being accused of/thought of as a cheat, and breaks up with you.

The only way to know if you're "compatible" is to stick it out, there's no magic way of knowing in advance - but I can tell you now, if you don't trust her, it doesn't matter how compatible you are, it wont work.



So you don't trust her.



It doesn't matter what their previous relationship status was. You either trust her or you don't.

So you have a choice.

Make the best of the relationship now, don't sabotage it by pushing her away due to not trusting her, and find out down the line whether it a) works or b) doesn't work.

Or

Don't trust her, she gets fed up with constantly being accused of/thought of as a cheat, and breaks up with you.

The only way to know if you're "compatible" is to stick it out, there's no magic way of knowing in advance - but I can tell you now, if you don't trust her, it doesn't matter how compatible you are, it wont work.



So you don't trust her.



It doesn't matter what their previous relationship status was. You either trust her or you don't.

Harsh words, but there is an element of truth. Certainly insecurity and lack of trust has no place in a happy relationship.

I don't think it's cheating necessarily, more a different mindset.


I think you are right about giving it a go, taking steps forwards and seeing how it goes. I will try to be more upbeat and positive around her.

 

[sports_brah]

What does this mean? You have 'a view'?

Let's do this thing!

than? Um?

Are you dating or ******* or whatever or are you just friends? I'm not sure I understand what the relationship is or even if there is one. I don't think there is one.

Well, that's better than 16 I suppose.

You'll meet other, better girls who are more suited to you and it's fine that you think I'm being an ass or I don't understand ~ YOUR PROBLEMS ~ but you will, regardless. And you'll ignore this advice ("some guy I don't know on a computer forum!") and that's fine.

Work on yourself. Spend some time with yourself and work out what you want.

We're dating, as in a formal relationship.

I'm happy to listen to advice as it helps me to form opinions and consider viewpoints that I might not have thought of otherwise.


When you say work with yourself, what did you have in mind? I'm conscious that I'm at the stage in life where choices start to have longer term effects.

 

[sports_brah]

Simply acknowledging two facts.

1. If they are going to cheat on you or leave you - they will find a way of doing it, you can't stop it.

2. Being jealous & controlling will likely cause them to do the above.

Once you have accepted these facts you understand that if you really want to stop them cheating on you just have to be a great partner, if they still do - then well, it's their failing not yours & you should find somebody better.

Trust is meaningless, they either do it or they don't - no point worrying about something in reality you have no control over.

Edit - to add a final point.

If you are jealous for no reason, read the above - if you are jealous for good reason (she is intentionally trying to make you jealous - get rid)

This is wonderful advice, like two pieces of wood carefully dove tailing together!

Thank you.

Do either of you take medical guidance on anything?

Eh?

Its becoming more apparant you take life far too seriously as long as you have air in your lungs who gives a **** what else happens. you said you are in your early twenties this is prime time to be making every mistake you posbbily can in life and learn from them as you have all the time in the world to bounce back from them.

how long you been together?

Don't rush anything you have plenty of time.

+1

We all place different values on things.

 

[sports_brah]

you didn't answer my question on first page

ahs your girlfriend ever done antyhing with you or any of her past partners you know about that would deem her untrustworthy?

we need to get the full picture here. Have you ever done anything untrustworthy with a past partner which is leading you to be mistrusting of others?

I have never done anything of the kind no. It's a cardinal rule of being a civilised person.

With her, not as such, though I know her past to be slightly chequered. I don't know much about it and I don't want to.

 

[sports_brah]

Some great advice in this thread thank you.

I took some advice, and bit my lip. Kept my issues to myself and told myself that it was in my head. Things pop up in my mind about her, but I'm sticking them to myself.

I'll take it as it comes. Either my suspicions are right (unfounded) or they are not. Worrying about it and making a fuss isn't going to help.

Quite liberating really.


Thanks