How would you dispose of a body?

[h4rm0ny]

A comment in the cement mixer thread set my mind going off on ruminating about how I would dispose of a body.

This is just a thought exercise - I don't plan to pull a Hans Reiser anytime, soon. I just like thought exercises and this seemed a tricky one. I can't work out whether getting away with disposing of a body would be incredibly difficult or surprisingly easy. If for the sake of the premise, we assume that the police are not immediately banging on the door but that you may come up as a suspect once investigations start (a happy middle-ground), then I can see something as simple as wrapping them up in bin bags and duct tape and driving them somewhere remote in the back of my car even being viable. The hardest part would be lifting it into the car on my own, probably! Just dumping it means it will be found sooner or later, which would also prove a murder and how it was done. But even with adrenaline I imagine it would take hours to dig a grave in the woods somewhere and cover it up again.

Not a troll thread - just musing and wondering if anyone else has ever thought about how they would do this?

 

[h4rm0ny]

Really strong alkali bath, Breaking bad style.

Hmmmm. Well you can buy lye or drain cleaner which is sodium hydroxide, I believe. So that would make an alkali bath. Fumes would be horrific but on the plus side to the neighbours it would just smell like a tonne of detergent. I believe you would still be left with a skeleton but that is a lot easier to dispose of. Plus, at least your drains would have had a good unblocking. I'm not sure how much you would need or whether a regular bath could handle that level of concentration.

 

[h4rm0ny]

how do you go from a cement mixer to disposing a body?

Well someone asked the OP who they planned to bury, I made a remark about cement boots and you know how things go. I'm vaguely OCD about being prepared for things so now I have this scenario stuck in my mind. But to reassure, I doubt I would ever or could ever kill someone. But you know - sometimes friends call you up in a crisis, so...

Concrete can be broken

Also, I believe you can test for voids in it with sonar so a body would be detectible. You'd also need a plausible reason why you suddenly did a load of unplanned building work around the time of the disappearance.

Shave the body of all hair, pull the teeth and feed the rest to pigs. (Dunno if that's true!)

I don't know either, but pigs are not readily obtainable. You'd need access to a farm and even if pigs eventually ate everything, I expect there'd still be plenty left by the next time someone attended to them.

hmm.

Weight and stealth would be the main issues I suppose hence why people cut them up. Maybe wrap up and hire a removal van, seems the best way.

Yes. I don't think I could carry around a dead body. Drag it around a bit, maybe. But where would you drive it to? Beachy Head? Yorkshire Moores? And licence plate cameras would track the van being in the area so you'd need a plausible reason to be driving around the area at 3am.

Buy as many of the largest firework rockets I can find and duct tape them all to the body and hope it doesn't land on the moon.

Now, I feel you're not taking this seriously! Also, surely you would hope that it DOES land on the moon as otherwise it would be raining man (not hallelujah), no?

 

[h4rm0ny]

just dig a really really depe hole, liike mine shaft deep, take me like 2-3 weeks then throw it down gg rip no re.

Implausible. I'd have to disappear for weeks around the time of the suspect's own disappearance and where is remote enough in this day and age to get away with that?

 

[h4rm0ny]

Incinerator is your friend

Can you hire those? How would you mask the money trail or what story would you spin to the owner of the incinerator?

I would put it on the MM for £50 and wait for someone to say 'Cheeky offer for a £5 PnP included, not really bothered as I already have one and am looking for spares?'.

I would decline and wait out another week for that same guy to shamelessly offer £15 and boom, body gone and a bit of beer money in my pocket.

That's weirdly not a bad idea. There are probably a lot of weirdos out there who would LIKE a dead body. You could probably find someone who would take it off your hands one dark night no questions asked. But it would be leaving a worrying loose end - if they got found with it, if they identified you, etc.

 

[h4rm0ny]

No way would they identify you. We all know cheapskates on MM who lowball you just sell on Ebay the next day and would never tell you the original price they paid. They will say they got it from a major retailer at full RRP

True. I concede that point!

Surely the question is not 'where will you dispose of a body?' but rather 'where will you commit the crime?'

There is a reason why 'dead weight' is an expression

Now THIS is insightful. So probably an alteration to the premise is needed. We have two scenarios - an impulse murder or manslaughter (which would be most given that a rational mind ought to be able to think of any number of better solutions to a problem than murder); or a planned murder. So where would you lure someone to if you wanted to kill them?

I'd call an ambulance.

Thinking about it though:
If you could get rid of all the fleshy badness, could you just grind the bone down to a powder and dispose of outside?

Maybe. You'd need a strong stomach to butcher and grind up a body but I supposed the old expression 'Can't Grind Up A Body, Don't Do The Crime', applies. But actually your first idea is better than you think. If you can plausibly disguise the death as an accident, simply calling an ambulance could save you a world or hassle and risk.

 

[h4rm0ny]

Cement shoes. Mafia style.

Better - add cement gloves as well so that the body lies horizontal and requires less depth to conceal. Also, I don't know much about decomposition but it seems to me there's a risk that the ankles or knees will give at some point and you'd get a footless corpse bobbing along the surface. Doing the wrists as well might help. Of course makes it harder to carry once more.

It's really starting to look like a two-person job.

 

[h4rm0ny]

I'd post in GD

*ahem* Anyway, moving on...

Also, what have you done to Scorza?

Nothing worse than what reading the Daily Mail has done to him.

 

[h4rm0ny]

4chan has you covered.



Hopefully I'm not on some sort of list after searching for that.

Crikey! The main thing I'm learning here is that I am far too squeamish to get away with murder. If I ever decide to become a serial killer I'm going to have to watch a lot of horror movies to harden myself.

I wouldn't worry about being on a list. Everyone is on one these days. It's just a question of how many lists you have collected!

 

[h4rm0ny]

Sell the body to someone with a kebab van, I'm sure they'd happily serve it up, and the people that bought it thinking it was a standard kebab would just say "mmm, tastes like chicken"!

But would it be Halal chicken?

 

[h4rm0ny]

Break into a pet cemetery and use their incinerator. If you have murder hanging over you, breaking and entering is nothing

You could run over a neighbour's dog and pretend you were idiotic enough to want to dispose of the proof before they found out. Yes, the police would think you were an idiot but would they weigh the amount of ash? Probably not. Should probably "miss a paw" in case you're caught breaking in.

 

[h4rm0ny]

For a start, I wouldn't post my plans up on an internet message board using an account from which I can be identified, and from my home internet connection!

I had a good long think about whether I would ever murder someone and eventually decided I wouldn't. If I ever kill someone I'm 99% sure it will be either self-defence or something I cooked. So I decided to go ahead with the thread!

 

[h4rm0ny]

Did my thread on dead bodies get deleted? Maybe I'm going blind but I can't see it anywhere and I can't see a "thread locked" version of it or anything like that? Just seems to have vanished and I can't even see it in my comment history.

 

[h4rm0ny]

I figured it must have been a mod. But normally a thread is locked with a message. And I thought you normally got a PM. I got one when I called AllBodies an idiot. This has just disappeared without trace (ironically). Maybe it got moved to Speaker's Corner! It was about the only thread on here that hadn't devolved into arguments over Brexit and immigation, after all!

Ah well, thanks to my anonymous Mod accomplice who has now helped me remove this from my Internet history.

(To anyone who is confused by this, there was a thread here yesterday discussing how you would dispose of a dead body).

 

[h4rm0ny]

I hear pigs do a good job, they apparently eat everything including the bones

But then would you eat the pigs after you knew they'd eaten a dead body?

(I was only looking for what happened to the thread, btw, but this seems to have started up again. Clearly people like this topic! :/ ).

 

[h4rm0ny]

Not going to reveal my methods in this thread either.

Dagnabit!

 

[h4rm0ny]

I love the way the 'How do you dispose of a dead body thread?' became the new 'How do you dispose of a dead body?' thread!

I'm looking forward to being able to use 'How do you dispose of a how do you dispose of a dead body thread' as a title.

Honestly, if it had just been locked or something, I'd have known what happened. But I find threads secretly vanishing as if they never were rather perplexing. Maybe it got moved to La Cuisine.

 

[h4rm0ny]

How did the tags get added to the thread? Is that a mod only feature?

No. I did it for purposes of humour. There's a field at the bottom when you create a thread.

The thread is back from wherever it went!

 

[h4rm0ny]

I feel sick reading this thread.

Sorry. It was light-hearted musing until that 4chan snippet took it off a cliff into 'little too real' land. Out of curiosity, I did a quick search and found that a couple of years ago the figures for the USA were that around 65% of homicides are solved in the USA. That's a surprisingly low number but I guess by "solved" they meant "led to a conviction". So maybe the question should be "how can you reach the level of insufficient proof". For the UK, I found an old Telegraph article that says in 2007 it was around one in 80 go unsolved. That's a massive discrepancy which I think must be not comparing like for like unless Americans just have very different types of murders (e.g. a lot of random street killings with no wider motive leading to obvious suspects) which I suppose is possible.