I need help in writing a formal e-mail and writing a CV

Ricochet J

Ricochet J

Ricochet J

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Joined
29 Jun 2004
Posts
12,957
Today a company visited my university to have a talk, give a presentation, view our facilities and our current projects and just have a general nosey. There were three people from the company who came and were very interesting in the work they did, and they expressed quite a lot of interest in talking to students. Now me and two other students were the only students there, the rest were professors and lecturers. Now, as you might imagine since they wanted to talk to students, and we were the only ones there they were talking to us constantly about joining their company. I told them about what projects I’m involved in and what modules I’m doing. After I told them they literally wanted me to join their company.

Cutting the long story short, I got the business cards of all three people, one of them was a recruitment officer at their company and she was very interested in me when I said I’d love to join. So this is the e-mail I’m sending her:



ME said:
Dear Claire E. Joyce (or should that be Ms. Joyce?)

I’d first like to thank you for an informative presentation and extend my appreciation to yourself, your colleagues and the Shaw Group for your visit to Queen Mary University. I hope you learnt as much from us as we did from yourselves.

My name is (Ricochet J), I am a second year mechanical engineering student. We spoke informally about your projects and my studies. You mentioned the Shaw Group wanted to increase its activity with QMUL and exchange experiences that will be mutually beneficial for both organisations.

Following your presentation you expressed students were reluctant to apply for roles involving heat exchangers and other areas of engineering that would otherwise seem daunting due to the magnitude of the work required. I would like to take this opportunity to express my interest in joining the Shaw Group as part of my internship for one year after my second year of studies. I would be very grateful if you could supply me more information on how I could apply for such a position. Further more would like to take this opportunity to ask if you could take the time to sponsor my application.

The Shaw Group would be a beneficial organisation for me to join as in the future I wish to specialise in Thermodynamics and Heat Transfer.

Thank for taking the time to read this e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you.


Yours Sincerely

Ricochet J (Tel: 020 1234 56789 Mob: 07 1234 5678 e-mail: [email protected])
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I would be very grateful if you could possibly suggest any improvements to the above.



Now, the next thing is CVs. I’ve got a CV. It’s colourful, I nicked it off OcUK but it’s not professional enough. Its aimed at retail work (when I was applying for a part time job) but I don’t have a serious CV aimed at professional work.

Where do I start?


P.s – Shall I send a thank you e-mail to the other two guys for coming too as I had a long chit chat with them too?

Thanks!
 
Stick your existing CV up and it can be adapted, rather than starting from scratch. I would fire off an e-mail to the other two thanking them too, nothing like keeping yourself in their memory. Try and ask them some kind of question though, rather than just saying "thankyou". Makes it look like you've gone away and carried on thinking of things.
 
That first paragraph is painfully oily and sycophantic. I suggest you change i to something a bit more normal, lest you come across as desperate.
 
Ricochet J said:
Thanks for the criticism guys.

Here's the link for my CV:

http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=dcd0906c045e6defd2db6fb9a8902bda
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Lose the DOB and nationality.

I prefer education in reverse chronological order, and replace the entire GCSE section (replace with math/english).

I don't understand why you have heads of year/employers etc. An employer wouldn't care. That's what references are for.

I find your whole layout bizarre to be honest, and I don't care for the headings.

If you going to include interests and activities, make it interesting to read. I this, I am that, I am this, I'm that. It's quite dull.

:)
 
Personally, I wouldn't even include my GCSE's. The fact that you have A levels and are at university implies that you have good GCSE's anyway, so there's no need to include them. And definitely put your university degree at the top of your education section. That's the most important entry in that section, so should be given appropriate priority.

I don't much care for your headings either. The little pictures are a bit naff, but if you can adjust it so get rid of the pictures, it should be fine.

One last thing: if you can, give 3 or 4 sentences at the start (underneath contact details) talking briefly about who you are and what sort of career you're aiming for. Try and think of something attention-grabbing, since a lot of CVs are binned before the reader has got halfway down the first page.
 
SlyReaper said:
One last thing: if you can, give 3 or 4 sentences at the start (underneath contact details) talking briefly about who you are and what sort of career you're aiming for. Try and think of something attention-grabbing, since a lot of CVs are binned before the reader has got halfway down the first page.
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Argh, I hate that. So cliched and everyone says the same thing.

I think I'll put:

I'm a conscious worker and can kill a man at 300 yards. That'll grab attention alight.
 
Ditch all that stuff you've written and use this handy template:

hey my cv is attached i am very good with computers software and hardware... i can build em etc please let me know if you have any job avaliavble

Edit out the computer part and replace with thermodynamics and whatnot :)
 
Hey Ricochet. I believe you are making improper use of a reflexive pronoun /Grammar Nazi :)

'Yourself' and 'Yourselves' should simply be 'you'.

Loads of people where I work do this, drives me nuts :)
 
Just say:

To whom it may concern,

I am very interesting in thermodynamics and other methods in which heat may be transferred. My current research involves heat transfer via flesh 2 flesh contact.

If you are interested in applying for a position with myself plz click below:

<link to dirty porn application form>

Yours Sincerely Kindly Faithfully Sexually
El Mano.
 
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