I need to get this out of chest, I have no idea what to do. I met this girl, about two years ago, I liked her and she liked me, damn she's the only girl I ever loved. Now we are over, she's on placement and a year later, when she returns, I won't be around. We broke up on May, after me being an idiot, she just got bored of me. Not that I blame her, it's just that, like everyone I have my ups and downs, but when I am up I am as high as a 12yr old on meth. Of course, when I am down I am just pathetic. I stay home all day long doing nothing, I can't even be bothered to go to the kitchen to eat, I starve all day because I don't want to move one floor down to make food. And of course she couldn't take that for a long time, after 6 months or so the whole thing just got so messed up.
And now I don't know what to do, I have no real interest in university any more, I'd like to join the army, but unfortunately I can only do national service in Greece, I can't go overseas and see some action. I would really like to though, because I have no reason to live any more. Even when I am having fun with my friends, hanging around watching movies, clubbing, whatever, I still keep on thinking of an easy way to kill myself. And it's because I don't have a real reason to live. I want to do many things, I want to help people, I want people to remember me as the guy who helped us by doing such and such.
But I can't because I don't have the power or the money or the inteligence to do so. And when I met her, and loved her, that didn't matter, because she was my world, I could marry her and have kids at age of 21, because she really does complete me. All the other girls I'v been with...it just makes me sick even thinking of other girls.
I went to the counseling in my uni, the prescribed me with SSRIs...which hasn't had an effect yet. I can see how much I am chaning though, in work and around uni everyone is asking me why I look mad, why I am not smiling and I am not happy like usually. I used to be great fun, I was the guy who was jumping around and getting his mates to do stuff, but now all I do is fill my head with chemicals because I can't find any pleasure or happiness in anything else.
This is all crap for most of you guys reading it, but I think through the four years I'v been on ocuk I made some friends, had good laughs at meets, I like it here. But I don't know how long I will be here either. I really, so want to die, it's incredible.
Ahhhhh the pills got me talking. It's not bad is it?
And now I don't know what to do, I have no real interest in university any more, I'd like to join the army, but unfortunately I can only do national service in Greece, I can't go overseas and see some action. I would really like to though, because I have no reason to live any more. Even when I am having fun with my friends, hanging around watching movies, clubbing, whatever, I still keep on thinking of an easy way to kill myself. And it's because I don't have a real reason to live. I want to do many things, I want to help people, I want people to remember me as the guy who helped us by doing such and such.
But I can't because I don't have the power or the money or the inteligence to do so. And when I met her, and loved her, that didn't matter, because she was my world, I could marry her and have kids at age of 21, because she really does complete me. All the other girls I'v been with...it just makes me sick even thinking of other girls.
I went to the counseling in my uni, the prescribed me with SSRIs...which hasn't had an effect yet. I can see how much I am chaning though, in work and around uni everyone is asking me why I look mad, why I am not smiling and I am not happy like usually. I used to be great fun, I was the guy who was jumping around and getting his mates to do stuff, but now all I do is fill my head with chemicals because I can't find any pleasure or happiness in anything else.
This is all crap for most of you guys reading it, but I think through the four years I'v been on ocuk I made some friends, had good laughs at meets, I like it here. But I don't know how long I will be here either. I really, so want to die, it's incredible.
Ahhhhh the pills got me talking. It's not bad is it?