Is it OK to ask a 10-year old to help out in the kitchen?

Admiral Huddy · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:18

that is a really difficult sitaution to be in. In our house hold, my wife is the disciplinarian because she spents most time with the kids, whereas I am "the entertainer" so to speak.

THis works for us because it means there is only one person telling them off and not two and most importantly, it's consistant. It's no good my wife telling the kids off, then me coming along two hours later then telling them off again. THis doesn't mean I don't tell them off because I do. I am just carefull in what i say and what I do.

For sinlgle parents and split parants it must be really difficult because the consistancy is lost and consistancy is the key for raising any child.

crystaline · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:21

Dr_Evil said:
Well, i do work 6 days a week and don't come home till 7.30pm so in effect she spends much more time with him, picking him up from school etc. His real father is not in his life whatsoever, and I have know him since he was about 5 yrs old - to him i'm his dad.

But when i'm being undermined I feel something is taken away from me - the rights i have to bring up a child that i see as my son, in my own way.

I want my miss to understand this properly. She keeps telling me I need to read books about how to raise children, what she doesn't see is that if he doesn't get the discipline he's going to expect an easy life getting what he wants when he wants it, and will have a huge shock one day when he finds out this is not how real life works.

That line is what I was trying to say.. it sounds like she is the one creating a hierachy between you and her on who should have more say, purely because she was present at birth and you were not. It does sound unfair.. if you have no hand in helping his development and his future then what are you doing.

I believe it is an insecure way for her to exert power over you because she fears losing her son in some way or losing control, that's just the way I read it.

..I think most books on how to raise children deal with the problems that eventually arise from no discipline in earlier years..

Dr_Evil · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:25

I agree - hence i don't interfere when she is having a "disciplinary" with him at all and always let her do it her way.

My resent is more towards her - any problem with my stephson is usually sorted out in no-time and we make up and be friends again.

She also has a bit of an anger management problem - when she gets angry she can't calm herself down, and gets herself spiralled into an anger trap where she just gets more and more angry and it doesn't go away easily -probably to do with her upbringing.

i know not to challenge it and best to leave her be - however over a small thing such as my OP we can have a huge arguement for 2-3 days, where she gets to the point of asking me to leave or getting a hotel etc. which at some point i nearly did, but usually results in her calming down afterwards (after unloading for like 2 days on me) and telling me she loves me....

FYI I'm at "day 1" stage at the moment... The crap i had to hear today over the phone (keywords: "locks changed, police, hotel, your stuff, suitcase") i'm surprised my phone is still working and not smashed on the pavement...

Killa_ken · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:25

i was doing the laundry and hoover by the time i was 9 dude

crystaline · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:28

Dr_Evil said:
I agree - hence i don't interfere when she is having a "disciplinary" with him at all and always let her do it her way.

My resent is more towards her - any problem with my stephson is usually sorted out in no-time and we make up and be friends again.

She also has a bit of an anger management problem - when she gets angry she can't calm herself down, and gets herself spiralled into an anger trap where she just gets more and more angry and it doesn't go away easily -probably to do with her upbringing.

i know not to challenge it and best to leave her be - however over a small thing such as my OP we can have a huge arguement for 2-3 days, where she gets to the point of asking me to leave or getting a hotel etc. which at some point i nearly did, but usually results in her calming down afterwards (after unloading for like 2 days on me) and telling me she loves me....

FYI I'm at "day 1" stage at the moment... The crap i had to hear today over the phone (keywords: "locks changed, police, hotel, your stuff, suitcase") i'm surprised my phone is still working and not smashed on the pavement...

It doesn't sound like a comfortable atmosphere. I hope for your sake, the good times more than outweigh that kind of stuff.

Deadly Ferret · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:28

afraser2k said:
But with the amount of relationship posts in GD you could be forgiven for thinking it was made up of female users.

Most of the late teens on here strike me as effeminate characters. It's probably a result of recent changes in society, what with all that sexism/feminist/equality rot. These young men (ha!) might want to seem equal by making themselves look pretty, which is why there are so many threads about 'male grooming'. As for why there are so many whinging, feckless fools-in-love threads, it's probably down to a combination of that and their pathetic diets.

I don't blame the parents though! No. I blame the government for the parents...and the hippies & soviets for the government. Everything bad in this country in the last thirty years comes back to those two groups.

Admiral Huddy · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:28

In time things will settle and you'll be in a routine. Hope it works out for mate.

jezsoup · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:28

Dr_Evil said:
I agree - hence i don't interfere when she is having a "disciplinary" with him at all and always let her do it her way.

My resent is more towards her - any problem with my stephson is usually sorted out in no-time and we make up and be friends again.

She also has a bit of an anger management problem - when she gets angry she can't calm herself down, and gets herself spiralled into an anger trap where she just gets more and more angry and it doesn't go away easily -probably to do with her upbringing.

i know not to challenge it and best to leave her be - however over a small thing such as my OP we can have a huge arguement for 2-3 days, where she gets to the point of asking me to leave or getting a hotel etc. which at some point i nearly did, but usually results in her calming down afterwards (after unloading for like 2 days on me) and telling me she loves me....

FYI I'm at "day 1" stage at the moment... The crap i had to hear today over the phone (keywords: "locks changed, police, hotel, your stuff, suitcase") i'm surprised my phone is still working and not smashed on the pavement...

wow that sounds like one whole can of crazy plus some!

Go buy her some flowers and chocolates!

Vixen · 21 Dec 2006 at 16:59

I can sort of see where she is coming from. I was in a similar situation to your stepson, and I really resented my stepdad when he tried to pull authority over me. It really just wasn't the same for my mum to tell me to do something as when my stepdad did. I can't really explain it, but I know it caused a lot of arguments between my parents.

The rules need to be put down by his mother. There's no point in trying to discipline him when all it seems to cause is arguments between yourself and your partner. You need to sit down and talk to her about it, tell her exactly how you feel. I agree with what Huddy has said, don't make it a chore, make him feel like he is helping out.
My mum used positive reinforcement to get me to do things when I was younger, and it worked really well. Things like, if I kept my room tidy for a number of weeks, I got a new toy that I really wanted. Perhaps you could try something similar with your stepson? For example, if he gives you the night off and washes the dishes 5 times, you'll take him out to pizza hut or somewhere he likes to go.

Dr_Evil · 21 Dec 2006 at 17:10

Yes - but in practise it never goes this way though. I like it just to be a general thing, where we do things for each other now and then not counting how many and when.

KNiVES · 21 Dec 2006 at 17:18

If she really is anything like how you've described her, then to be honest, you should leave her. It's a ticking time-bomb. She will eventually use the kid as an excuse.

crashuk · 21 Dec 2006 at 17:27

yep that's the way to do it, need to teach them young, implant it into them. i do really think parents of today are very weak when it comes to kids.

starscream · 21 Dec 2006 at 17:32

In my opinion praise and reward is more constructive than threats.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong expecting a 10 year old to help dry the dishes, but I think you made a threat too early without trying to encourage him first.

Dr_Evil · 21 Dec 2006 at 17:39

starscream - you could be right there. Probably due to this situation happening soo many times over the past months. I just get tired of asking and it would be nice to hear "Yes, dad" a bit more often. It would make me a lot more happy and respond better to him as well.

Slime101 · 21 Dec 2006 at 17:59

Now this is a thread i can relate too, i lived with my (now ex) fiance for 2 years with her and her 2 sons. Unsupprisingly she didnt like it when i told them off or anything either but it does get easier, and i would have though that after 6 years she really should be able to trust your parenting skills enough!

My ex always said how hard it was to watch me telling them off, but i treated them like my own kids, and i happen to be quite strict, i dont like kids being rude or acting like yobs because i dont want them to grow up as chavs going round smashing bottles on each other, smoking pot on street corners and kicking old ladies over for fun.

I think the only way you will sort this is by talking to her, get her to explain how it makes her feel when you discipline "her" son and work with her to let go, you are his dad now and have everyones best interests at heart, and one last thing, what you did wasnt wrong, you arent a nazi dictator and it wasnt blackmail either!

Hlebio · 21 Dec 2006 at 18:09

You did something that just about every parent in the whole world does.

Maybe your wife had had a bad day or something.

Jimmi · 21 Dec 2006 at 18:36

Dr_Evil said:
Funny enough 80-90% of our arguements always start over this exact problem - me trying to discipline him a bit too much.

She still see's him as his son and probably takes offence to you trying to discipline him. Its very tricky ground, although the amount of time you have been together and the age he is it should be a good thing that he has a father in his life.

My life lacked a father or father figure from the age of 12 and it did change what i could get away with, i was a nightmare but my mum would always let me have my way, its shocking what mothers let you get away with.

I guess she was trying to make up for me having a "hard life" as it were

Vonhelmet · 21 Dec 2006 at 23:27

Killa_ken said:
i was doing the laundry and hoover by the time i was 9 dude

I know a 3 year old that tries to do the hoovering. The mum is doing her best to encourage it so that by the time he's any good at it, he still wants to do it.

The kid pushes a Dyson round. It's bigger than him FFS.