It's Sunday Night Joke Time!

William

William

William

Soldato
Joined
26 Jul 2003
Posts
10,948
Location
Derby
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug ... Do you want a room with or without a view?"


:D
 
Got that in an email a little while ago. Damn funny though!

Now who thought plug then? I did! That definitly means the theorys wrong then. ;)
 
I would have to say the teaspoon because you wouldn't be able to get the last bit with a bucket.
 
was having a discussion the other day about marrige with a few ladies from the social club. was talking to an elderly lady called betty, she must have been in her 60s.

any way she was telling me that she had been married 3 times, oh i said what happened do you miss any of your ex husbands?

well she said the first one was a gynaecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it!


the second was a theripist and all he wanted to do was talk about it!!!!!


the third, now he was a stamp collector, oh i miss him!
 
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car accident and is trapped in the wreckage and losing blood, within 10 minutes the ambulance arrives and the paramedics are soon on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"





sharon: "Romford mate"
 
Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to a maximum speed on the long corridors.

Everybody tolerates each other, and some of the men have actually been known to join in.

The other day, Ethel was speeding up a corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, mam."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

I like that one :D
 
Thanks AmDaMan. Just had a pretty miserable afternoon visiting mother in law in a home so this really, really made me laugh. :D :D
 
Dave started his new job at the zoo and was given three tasks.

The first was to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As Dave is doing it a huge fish leaps out and tries to bite him. Dave ends up killing it in a struggle. Realising his boss will be furious, he decides to get rid of it by feeding it to the lions.

Dave then moves onto his second job, clearing out the chimpanzee's enclosure. Immediately two of the chimps start to pelt him with coconuts. To discourage them he lashes out with his spade. Unfortunately he killed them both. He is in deep trouble now so he follows the previous course of action and throws them also into the lion's cage.

Deeply troubled because the job doesn't seem to be going too well, he goes to his next task, to collect the honey from the bees but they begin to attack him. Dave swats at them with his trusty spade and kills a large number of them before they desist. He can see no alternative but to shovel them up and again consign them to the lion's cage.

Later that day a new lion is moved to the zoo.

The newcomer asks the resident lions "what's the food like here?"

"Its pretty good" the resident lions all agreed. "For example, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees."
 
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