Shamelessly stolen from Difflock.com
MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. Also useful for slicing your fingers open.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in mudguards just above the brake line that goes to the wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and graunch stud threads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 13mm socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.
PILLAR DRILL: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC TROLLEY JACK: Used for lowering a car back to the ground after you have installed your new brake discs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wings.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG SOFTWOOD 4X2: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic trolley jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boots.
TORQUE WRENCH: A device that lets you know exactly how much torque was used to shear off the bolt you were carefully tightening.
E-Zee OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in sheared bolts and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large engine mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a dodo, just as you thought.
DUCK/DUCT TAPE: Sticky reinforced tape that once removed leaves behind an adhesive residue that no known cleaning agent can remove.
SINGLE HANDED BRAKE BLEEDING KIT: A device that will spray a quantity of brake fluid all over the engine compartment while you are under the car shearing off the bleed nipples on the brake callipers.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells were used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to reshape the cross in Phillips screw heads into a tapered hole. See also POSIDRIVÓ SCREWDRIVER
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened years ago and rounds them off.
CROW BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
BRAKE HOSE FLARING TOOL: Used to create a perfect flare on the end of the brake line just as you realize that you forgot to fit the nut over the line first.
BENCH GRINDER: A tool used to create a fine film of abrasive dust that gets all over the freshly rebuilt crankshaft you forgot to cover up.
ANGLE GRINDER: A machine that is used to cut through the chassis while you were cutting through the exhaust pipe. Will also simultaneously set fire to your socks with the stream of sparks coming from the cutting wheel.
CORDLESS ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER: A wonderful battery powered device whose battery will be flat when you need to use it.
CORDLESS ELECTRIC DRILL: A wonderful battery powered device whose battery will go flat ¾ of the way through the last hole you needed to drill.
WIRE STRIPPING PLIERS: Pliers with special knife-like jaws that will remove insulation from the ends of electrical cables along with 30% of the wire strands at the same time.
TYRE LEVERS: Flat 'Spoon-ended' pry bars that are of no use whatsoever for removing tyres as it is impossible to 'break' the seal between tyre and rim of a tubeless tyre. See also PHONE for calling local tyre repair shop.
ELECTRIC JIGSAW: An electric saw that is useful for cutting out intricate shapes in wood and metal, where the cut edge will not be perpendicular, and the blade will break halfway through the job. See also HACKSAW.
OIL DRAIN BOWL & CAN: An item that has sides of insufficient height such that the initial rush of oil will flow straight over the sides and onto the garage floor. Then, when undoing the oil filter, is not large enough to catch the numerous streams of oil flowing from the sides of the block, chassis rails, steering rods and exhaust pipes.
'TORX®' BIT DRIVER SOCKETS: Used as replacements for hex keys when
a/ the correct hex key/ socket cannot be found, or
b/ when the internal hex has started to 'round off' and a TORX® bit can be hammered in, only to round off the points of the bit.
COMPRESSION TESTER: A special gauge that confirms that your engine is worn out, just like you thought.
WORKSHOP MANUAL: An encyclopaedia for the garage, that will invariably:
a/ Use a different model vehicle for illustration than you have,
b/ Understate the ease and time requirement of any job by several hours and
c/ Have the critical information you need rendered illegible by a greasy thumbprint from the last time you used it.
"BARGAIN PRICED" SOCKET RATCHET WRENCH: A useful tool for undoing nuts and bolts quickly that will slip as you apply that last extra bit of torque, causing your knuckles or thumb to be graunched against something hard, rough or sharp.
PLUMBERS UNIVERSAL TAP SPANNER: A special spanner that will either be an extremely slack fit or frustratingly too small for the nut you are trying to undo. When it is located on the nut, it will be impossible to rotate to actually tighten or undo the nut.
MAG_LITE® TORCH: Nicely crafted all aluminium torch that will have either a flat battery or a blown bulb (or both) when you go to use it.
MANUFACTURERS SPECIAL TOOLS: Any one of a number of specialist tools that have a unique feature that is absolutely necessary to do the job you need to do. They come at vast expense only via a franchised dealer and will only ever be used once. Main function is to clutter up the toolbox.
TYRE PRESSURE GAUGE: A handy pen sized device that shows you that your tyre pressures are wrong. Having pumped more air into the tyre and carefully adjusted the pressure to the correct reading, it will allow a quantity of air to escape as you remove the gauge from the valve
WATCHMAKERS SCREWDRIVER SET: A set of precision made small screwdrivers that will invariably twist up and be rendered useless the first time they are used on any screw, unless that screw is already loose. Similarly, they will be incapable of tightening any small screw sufficiently tight so that it doesn't immediately become loose again.
CIRCLIP PLIERS: Special pliers with thin ends to ease the fitting and removal of circlips. Usually allow the circlip to 'ping' off the pliers at high speed just as it is released from or about to be installed, where it will either become lost under the back of the workbench, or disappear into the bowels of the engine you were close to finishing.
VALVE SPRING COMPRESSOR: A G-clamp type device which is made for engines with valves much longer and springs of a bigger diameter than any known car engine. Will invariably have a throat depth too small to actually reach the valves.
IMPACT SCREWDRIVER: An essential tool for Japanese motorcycle engines. Will convert the energy from a hammer blow into a rotary motion where it will convert the cross head of the screw into a tapered hole.
'SOFT' VICE JAWS: As the name implies, can be used to distort components out of shape in a vice without leaving any witness marks as evidence.
THREAD CHASERS: Special files to reclaim damaged threads so that a nut can be refitted, allowing the reclaimed thread to strip as soon as any torque is applied to the nut.
SILICON "INSTANT GASKET": Handy 'gasket in a tube' can be used to make old British motorcycles completely oil tight. Can also simultaneously block critical oil ways, irrevocably stain your jeans and will inevitably have gone solid in the tube when you go to use it.
CAR RAMPS: A pair of ramps constructed of angle iron that are completely useless as it will be impossible to drive the car up them, either because the lower bumper will contact the ramp before the wheels, or in the unlikely event that the wheels do touch the ramps first, one will skid along the ground in front of the car such that one wheel will have reached the top before the other.
FIRST AID KIT: Useful after any of the above tools have been used.
