OcUK Dadsnet thread

[Diagro]

hold the thought for now, i have found nursery advice. No doubt I'll be back with a bunch of questions.

Where are you based?

I personally avoided looking at Ofsted too much. We spoke to other parents in facebook groups etc, and asked which they would recommend.

Our second child, went to the nursery that my wife currently works in. Shame we still have to pay for him to go though lol

 

[Jelly4mybelly]

Gents, do you have any advice for looking at nurseries for my 2 year old boy. All I am seeing is montessori this ofsted that, its a bloody minefield. This thread spans 367 pages, sadly I don't have the time with this wee scallywag to scan through the lot.

Use your own judgement and recommendations from friends, do not take much attention of Osfted reports unless they mention anything concerning. The first nursery our children went to was exceptional and we could not fault it but when our eldest went to school we moved our youngest into a second nursery nearby to the school for logistical reasons.

At the first nursery we felt that our children were engaged with and given plenty of learning and play support throughout the day and we were given feedback often. At the second nursery we got the feeling that the children spent the majority of the day running around outside, which is fine, though there was little in the way of learning. This did not unduly bother us at that age but the joke of it being the provision compared to the findings within the Ofsted report.

The first nursery had a 'good' ofsted rating and the second 'outstanding'. Ironically the first nursery needed to improve it's education and learning provision.

 

[Haggisman]

I can't tell you when the last "toddler" laugh happened from my near 8 year old.
I do very much miss his smaller self. I get very upset when i think about it. My wife thinks I'm silly.

I miss when they were small enough to simply sleep on my chest. Those nights where I had to rock them to sleep, whilst gently patting their backs whilst singing the song "Tee & Mo go to sleep". At the time, I got frustrated by it. Now... I'd give anything to go back and have more time with them at that age.

Do these feelings lessen? or grow?
My wife has refused to have more children. Kinda upsets me, but we're nearly 40. So yeah, i get it.

Sorry, rambling on

I wouldn't say they lessen or grow, just change.

Every stage has its ups and downs, some things you'll miss, some you'll think "thank god that's over!”

Our eldest (14) is very much a teenager now, 90% of his "communication" is a grumpy incoherent grunt, and my god the mood swings! We miss when he was actually interested in things, when he loved "mummy" and "daddy" instead of seeing us as some strange combination of dictators and walking bank accounts, but at the same time it's wonderful to see him turning into his own person instead of just an extension of us, and on the rare occasion where he's feeling amenable, we can actually play grown up video games together (there's only so many times you can play through Lego marvel before it becomes a chore...).

His little brother (6) is still at that lovely stage where the whole world is a wonder and he's so eager and happy to try anything and everything new, he is however currently going through a phase of severely testing his boundaries at bed time. Last night was the worst, the past few weeks he's been leaving his dinner because "he's full" and then deciding he's starving after he's had his teeth brushed and he's in bed, so last night I gave him the choice; bed time story or toast as it's too late for both. He chose toast, and then when he finally went to bed (again) had a huge tantrum about not having a story, spent about an hour throwing pillows and cuddly toys at me and punching his bed - all despite multiple warnings he was going to lose his tablet time for the rest of the week - before finally giving in.

Needless to say he was thoroughly unimpressed today when it finally dawned on him that dad wasn't messing around and his tablet was indeed nowhere to be found

 

[fez]

Use your own judgement and recommendations from friends, do not take much attention of Osfted reports unless they mention anything concerning. The first nursery our children went to was exceptional and we could not fault it but when our eldest went to school we moved our youngest into a second nursery nearby to the school for logistical reasons.

Yeah, its tricky isn't it. My view is broadly that a nurserys job is to keep the kids engaged and happy at that age. They are very young and all develop at such different speeds that I don't think it makes that much difference to anything when it comes to future academia. The nursery our boys are at is pretty **** for communication and organisation which seems standard when so many nursery's seem to spring up from people who grow into it organically and don't have the business/admin chops to run them like a proper business.

We would consider moving them but they seem to really enjoy it there and some of our other friends have kids that don't enjoy nursery so we don't want to run that risk. They have friends there as well.

Needless to say he was thoroughly unimpressed today when it finally dawned on him that dad wasn't messing around and his tablet was indeed nowhere to be found

Yep, this is non negotiable for us. You make a threat and you follow through. Kids are constantly pushing boundaries and all the ****** kids I know are the ones with no boundaries. Even the ones that are OK but have serious issues in various areas are the ones where the kids run the show. I was talking to my partner about this yesterday and all the kids that don't eat properly out of our friendship groups are the ones where the parents have a ****** relationship with food and they all make a massive deal out of it. Yes there is the chicken or the egg question. Is it parents with fussy eaters that are a bit mental about food with them or is it mental parents that create fussy eaters.

One of my partners friends came over the other day and brought a 10 compartment lunchbox with 10 different little nibbles beautifully prepared. He picked at a few bits here and there. Just give the damn kids some food. I tell ours that dinner is dinner and if they don't want to eat it, thats fine but thats dinner. Shockingly they eat it 99/100. Even more shockingly they manage to eat a portion when they are saying they don't want to when their pudding is on the line. I won't make them eat things they don't like but kids are constantly just messing about and seeing what happens. They very quickly find out where the boundaries are and when those boundaries are there to be abused and constantly pushed, thats what they do.

 

[Lumeycom]

Not posted in this thread before.

I became a dad for the first time last year at the age of 49 after a successful first round of IVF (that we were very fortunate to have funded). Our little lad was born on May 1st 2025 with a few complications for mum but all ended up ok. Little fella had a tough first 5 months with reflux and feeding issues but he's 13months now and is doing fantastically. I am utterly bessoted on every level.


Now to the point of my post, and I appreciate this isn't really the best place but I'm just looking for opinions or possibly experience.


When we went through IVF we ended up with 2 perfect graded blastocysts of which one was implanted and led to a succesful birth. The other is in storage at the IVF clinic. I have vague memories of them saying they would store for 18months free of charge and then we had to make a decision. That is looming and the wife and I have had brief conversations but bother of use are finding it quite hard to deal with.

Initially I was very much in the one and done camp (mostly due to my age) while the wife was wanting as many as possible. Those roles have reversed somewhat where I'm open to it but due to the difficulties towards the end of her pregnancy (which were quite serious) the wife is very much set against now. I totally understand and accept her decision, she's aware that waiting isn't really an option due to both our ages (she's 39 this year).

So I guess the question we have to answer is what to do? Our options, broadly, are as follows

Dispose of the blastocyst
Donate it to the clinic for them to further thier understandings etc
Donate it to someone to attempt to birth
Pay for ongoing storage.


None of those options are appealing and all cause a struggle in my head if I'm honest and I'm going around in circles with no real clear answers. I'm currently of the opinion that we proabably need a little counselling over it however I'm curious as to what you lot think? Theres a lot of sense in what I've skimmed in this thread so fingers crossed.

 

[mcwildcard]

Not posted in this thread before.

I became a dad for the first time last year at the age of 49 after a successful first round of IVF (that we were very fortunate to have funded). Our little lad was born on May 1st 2025 with a few complications for mum but all ended up ok. Little fella had a tough first 5 months with reflux and feeding issues but he's 13months now and is doing fantastically. I am utterly bessoted on every level.


Now to the point of my post, and I appreciate this isn't really the best place but I'm just looking for opinions or possibly experience.


When we went through IVF we ended up with 2 perfect graded blastocysts of which one was implanted and led to a succesful birth. The other is in storage at the IVF clinic. I have vague memories of them saying they would store for 18months free of charge and then we had to make a decision. That is looming and the wife and I have had brief conversations but bother of use are finding it quite hard to deal with.

Initially I was very much in the one and done camp (mostly due to my age) while the wife was wanting as many as possible. Those roles have reversed somewhat where I'm open to it but due to the difficulties towards the end of her pregnancy (which were quite serious) the wife is very much set against now. I totally understand and accept her decision, she's aware that waiting isn't really an option due to both our ages (she's 39 this year).

So I guess the question we have to answer is what to do? Our options, broadly, are as follows

Dispose of the blastocyst
Donate it to the clinic for them to further thier understandings etc
Donate it to someone to attempt to birth
Pay for ongoing storage.


None of those options are appealing and all cause a struggle in my head if I'm honest and I'm going around in circles with no real clear answers. I'm currently of the opinion that we proabably need a little counselling over it however I'm curious as to what you lot think? Theres a lot of sense in what I've skimmed in this thread so fingers crossed.

As someone in their late 40's I've found having two kids a far bigger jump in difficulty than the jump from no kids to one.
The hardest part for me is having to divide my aging energies between two kids, as I adored pouring all of it into our first when it was just her.
I appreciate this isn't the specific struggle you're toiling over, but if you love the life you have with one child, two doesn't necessarily enhance that, it can easily change things to upset the balance you have.

 

[Spacedeck]

Had a lovely evening tonight watching my daughter's class (Y5) singing at the Town Hall with a bunch of other schools and a very good youth orchestral band. I remember singing there in junior school and it was very daunting, so super proud of her as I know she was really scared. It's amazing how much smaller things look when you're an adult. She burst into tears when we collected her because she was proud of herself.

 

[Haggisman]

As someone in their late 40's I've found having two kids a far bigger jump in difficulty than the jump from no kids to one.
The hardest part for me is having to divide my aging energies between two kids, as I adored pouring all of it into our first when it was just her.
I appreciate this isn't the specific struggle you're toiling over, but if you love the life you have with one child, two doesn't necessarily enhance that, it can easily change things to upset the balance you have.

Would definitely agree with this, I feel like the bond I had with our eldest before his younger brother was born isn't necessarily as strong as it used to be, it may just be down to him becoming more of an awkward and independent teenager, but also as you say having to share attention and energy - due to mum's pregnancy difficulties, there's quite a big age gap with ours (14 and 6), so it can be very hard to arrange activities which are suitable and entertaining for both of them, maybe easier if they are closer together?

 

[dav3evans]

Not posted in this thread before.

I became a dad for the first time last year at the age of 49 after a successful first round of IVF (that we were very fortunate to have funded). Our little lad was born on May 1st 2025 with a few complications for mum but all ended up ok. Little fella had a tough first 5 months with reflux and feeding issues but he's 13months now and is doing fantastically. I am utterly bessoted on every level.


Now to the point of my post, and I appreciate this isn't really the best place but I'm just looking for opinions or possibly experience.


When we went through IVF we ended up with 2 perfect graded blastocysts of which one was implanted and led to a succesful birth. The other is in storage at the IVF clinic. I have vague memories of them saying they would store for 18months free of charge and then we had to make a decision. That is looming and the wife and I have had brief conversations but bother of use are finding it quite hard to deal with.

Initially I was very much in the one and done camp (mostly due to my age) while the wife was wanting as many as possible. Those roles have reversed somewhat where I'm open to it but due to the difficulties towards the end of her pregnancy (which were quite serious) the wife is very much set against now. I totally understand and accept her decision, she's aware that waiting isn't really an option due to both our ages (she's 39 this year).

So I guess the question we have to answer is what to do? Our options, broadly, are as follows

Dispose of the blastocyst
Donate it to the clinic for them to further thier understandings etc
Donate it to someone to attempt to birth
Pay for ongoing storage.


None of those options are appealing and all cause a struggle in my head if I'm honest and I'm going around in circles with no real clear answers. I'm currently of the opinion that we proabably need a little counselling over it however I'm curious as to what you lot think? Theres a lot of sense in what I've skimmed in this thread so fingers crossed.

I think the initial thing, that is easier said than done is respecting each others wishes, so if one person doesn't want another right now, is being able to accept that. Sounds like you guys are having those hard talks and that's great to read. I guess with your roles reversed now you have insight into each others perspectives which will probably help too.

If I was in your position and had the finances to support storage, I'd consider it, at least in the short term. That way it isn't the pressure of time from a third party forcing you to make a choice one way or the other. Reflecting on our first 18 months it flew by in a blur of poop, milk and Ms Rachel with no time to consider an encore!

I'm by no means saying ohh it's fine, she'll change her mind, kids are great. It's more the angle of, you can keep it in storage and take a little time to enjoy the little one you have and revisit it later to see if any feelings are different, and then make that decision on your own terms.

Equally, if you want another but pregnancy is off the table later on, there's always the adoption route etc.. etc.. so you do have options, I'd just focus on creating breathing space for now.

 

[mcwildcard]

Would definitely agree with this, I feel like the bond I had with our eldest before his younger brother was born isn't necessarily as strong as it used to be, it may just be down to him becoming more of an awkward and independent teenager, but also as you say having to share attention and energy - due to mum's pregnancy difficulties, there's quite a big age gap with ours (14 and 6), so it can be very hard to arrange activities which are suitable and entertaining for both of them, maybe easier if they are closer together?

Ours are nearly 4 years apart (2 and 5) and the age gap has luckily worked for us so far. Eldest loves being a big sister and treats it really seriously, so they tend to play together pretty well, with her leading. That dynamic may well change as they get older though.
Sibling relationships can be pot luck, if a first becomes envious of a new arrival then it would really make life so much more difficult on top of the gargantuan extra efforts involved with having a second.
There are so many variables in play and most of them cannot be predicted, so having a second is always a huge gamble with your home life.

 

[Jelly4mybelly]

As someone in their late 40's I've found having two kids a far bigger jump in difficulty than the jump from no kids to one.
The hardest part for me is having to divide my aging energies between two kids, as I adored pouring all of it into our first when it was just her.
I appreciate this isn't the specific struggle you're toiling over, but if you love the life you have with one child, two doesn't necessarily enhance that, it can easily change things to upset the balance you have.

Another vote up for this opinion. For us the day to day demands of two are far far more intense than the demands of one. The only way I can explain it is the analogy of setting up a Tetris emulator on one PC and a Columns emulator on another. Either played on it's own is fine but you just try playing them both at the same time!

 

[mcwildcard]

A friend of mine once said that after your first you lose 80% of your free time.
Then, after your second you lose 80% of what free time you have left.
So basically you have to do all life admin, leisure, and maintaining your relationship with mum, in about 4% of the free time you used to have.
That's definitely come to pass for us.

 

[unwashed potato!]

Really helpful guys. I hate the idea of having a second, but also love the idea of having a daughter, and a sibling for my child. But I don't think I'll be able to do it without going for milk one day and never coming back. Sad to admit it but without a nice cash injection, I can't see us having a second child

 

[trentlad]

I'm fine all day, come home and feel great, kids come back home and give massive hugs so everything still feels great.

Then the hell on earth starts:
- the fighting
- the mood swings
- talking over each other and causing both to explode
- then the one who is allowed to talk stretches it out so the other can't talk
- the fight to prevent constant snacking before dinner
- during dinner just walking off half way through
- the begging to not finish the bowl of dinner which is already tiny since I know it's a fight to finish
- then the immediate snacking after dinner cos they only had four bites
- the fight when getting them to clear up their own mess
- the mood swings
- the mood swings
- the mood swings
- the anger when told it's bed time, even after the 20 minute early heads up with reminders every 5 minutes leading up to it
- not being able to focus on anything or complete a thought due to the constant begging for attention despite giving them plenty already

I don't mean this happens once in a while, I mean near every single night. They're seven year old girls and it's a little easier said than done to stop allowing your kids to control your emotions, to the point I'm literally taking medication to prevent exploding.

 

[unwashed potato!]

to the point I'm literally taking medication to prevent exploding

I promise you you're not alone. I know we are strangers but I hope it felt good to share that. I appreciate (and fear what I have ahead) what you posted.

Among many things, I'm sure you could do with a good break away from them.

 

[fez]

What i'm hearing here is kids are a ******* nightmare!

We've got twins so its interesting to hear the different perspectives. I think about it quite a lot, especially at the moment because they are now 3 and we are considering having a third (please god don't make it be a 3rd and 4th!).

I keep coming back to the idea that when they are little, its just hard work. It gets so much easier when they hit about 2 IMO. Then they are more independent. They can walk places. Have a bit more staying power. Have got over many of the horrible phases (teething, sleep issues etc). Then to start again while you've also got an older one to consider seems...daunting.

On the other side of the argument though, 3 is getting pretty old. They ain't gonna be this cute forever. Got to get that fresh new model with cute features and the baby giggles in the pipeline.

Its an impossible decision and up to a point, its all speculation. Its very easy to look at the decision you made and say "hmm, if I had done it differently, things would be better". You can only do what you think is right. We've never had the luxury of focussing on a single kid and I do think both of ours have missed out in some ways due to that but they love each other (most of the time) and its lovely to see. I see plenty of people whose kids are an utter nightmare though because their parents had the time/capacity to absolutely worship their kids tiny feet and they have made a horrible rod for their own backs as a result. Perhaps not being able to do that is a blessing? Who knows.

Oh, my other main fear is just the world at large at the moment and in the near future. I can't help but have a nagging feeling that its all going to get really messy in the next 20 years.

 

[dirtychinchilla]

Not posted in this thread before.

I became a dad for the first time last year at the age of 49 after a successful first round of IVF (that we were very fortunate to have funded). Our little lad was born on May 1st 2025 with a few complications for mum but all ended up ok. Little fella had a tough first 5 months with reflux and feeding issues but he's 13months now and is doing fantastically. I am utterly bessoted on every level.


Now to the point of my post, and I appreciate this isn't really the best place but I'm just looking for opinions or possibly experience.


When we went through IVF we ended up with 2 perfect graded blastocysts of which one was implanted and led to a succesful birth. The other is in storage at the IVF clinic. I have vague memories of them saying they would store for 18months free of charge and then we had to make a decision. That is looming and the wife and I have had brief conversations but bother of use are finding it quite hard to deal with.

Initially I was very much in the one and done camp (mostly due to my age) while the wife was wanting as many as possible. Those roles have reversed somewhat where I'm open to it but due to the difficulties towards the end of her pregnancy (which were quite serious) the wife is very much set against now. I totally understand and accept her decision, she's aware that waiting isn't really an option due to both our ages (she's 39 this year).

So I guess the question we have to answer is what to do? Our options, broadly, are as follows

Dispose of the blastocyst
Donate it to the clinic for them to further thier understandings etc
Donate it to someone to attempt to birth
Pay for ongoing storage.


None of those options are appealing and all cause a struggle in my head if I'm honest and I'm going around in circles with no real clear answers. I'm currently of the opinion that we proabably need a little counselling over it however I'm curious as to what you lot think? Theres a lot of sense in what I've skimmed in this thread so fingers crossed.

Hey, we're in the same predicament. We aren't sure whether we want another child, but we have one embryo sat in storage. Given how hard it was to get, do we dispose of it?

I'm afraid I have no answer. It's so difficult.

 

[TommyV]

Not posted in this thread before.

I became a dad for the first time last year at the age of 49 after a successful first round of IVF (that we were very fortunate to have funded). Our little lad was born on May 1st 2025 with a few complications for mum but all ended up ok. Little fella had a tough first 5 months with reflux and feeding issues but he's 13months now and is doing fantastically. I am utterly bessoted on every level.


Now to the point of my post, and I appreciate this isn't really the best place but I'm just looking for opinions or possibly experience.


When we went through IVF we ended up with 2 perfect graded blastocysts of which one was implanted and led to a succesful birth. The other is in storage at the IVF clinic. I have vague memories of them saying they would store for 18months free of charge and then we had to make a decision. That is looming and the wife and I have had brief conversations but bother of use are finding it quite hard to deal with.

Initially I was very much in the one and done camp (mostly due to my age) while the wife was wanting as many as possible. Those roles have reversed somewhat where I'm open to it but due to the difficulties towards the end of her pregnancy (which were quite serious) the wife is very much set against now. I totally understand and accept her decision, she's aware that waiting isn't really an option due to both our ages (she's 39 this year).

So I guess the question we have to answer is what to do? Our options, broadly, are as follows

Dispose of the blastocyst
Donate it to the clinic for them to further thier understandings etc
Donate it to someone to attempt to birth
Pay for ongoing storage.


None of those options are appealing and all cause a struggle in my head if I'm honest and I'm going around in circles with no real clear answers. I'm currently of the opinion that we proabably need a little counselling over it however I'm curious as to what you lot think? Theres a lot of sense in what I've skimmed in this thread so fingers crossed.

Thank you for sharing your journey to parenthood Lumey.

I’ll be to the point and please consider this a male perspective, I could in no way ever comprehend the strain a pregnancy has on a woman’s body and what your other half has been through.

In that scenario, when the times right, I would want to give it a chance and see what happens. If it’s meant to be it will be, if it doesn’t see through then you’ll have a conclusion either way without the element of ‘what if’ looming.

 

[Bounce]

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers