Oddballs

[That Jekka Gal]

A fact to which any travelling contractor will attest is that we all used to run the gamut of life's oddballs and eccentrics when we checked in to the various boarding houses and houseshares that served as a roof over our heads from Monday to Friday ( I speak in the past tense as I no longer lead this lifestyle and I'm guessing that with the advent of WFH, not many of you do either).

Anyway, I once I had an encounter that stretched that particular maxim to the full.

Returning to my farmhouse B&B accommodation one night, I parked the jalopy in the barn, got out and made my way out across the farmyard when a figure emerged from the shadows and strutted stiffly towards me and announced that the Admiral Graf Spee, the WW2 German pocket battleship, had a length of 610 feet and a displacement of 16000 when fully laden.

There was no preamble to this whatsoever, he just launched himself into imparting me with this barrage of nautical facts.

I tried to politely extricate myself from the situation, nodding vigorously with a wan smile on my face as I gradually moved backwards to distance myself from him but he counteracted this by smartly sidestepping closer to me, bringing his heels together with a click that would make any parade ground obergruppenführer proud, until his face was inches from mine and he resumed imbibing me with Graf Spee related trivia.

I subsequently checked out and booked myself into Days Inn at Fleet Services.

 

[That Jekka Gal]

As a corollary to all this, after I checked into Days Inn at Fleet Services, I crossed over to the main concourse to avail myself of the amenities.

As luck would have it, it was lamb shank night in the cafeteria so I loaded up there and then took a wander to find out what passed for fun at the side of the M3.

Not a huge amount,as it happens, so I decided to stick the remaining loose change in my pockets into the fruitees.

As I entered the amusements, I noticed that I was alone apart from an individual perched in the corner on a stool. He was sitting with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together in a way that reminded me of a praying mantis.

Anyway, thinking no more of this, I approached Klondike Pete's Goldmine and inserted the 3 pound coins in my pocket.

No sooner had I won my first skill feature than a voice from over my shoulder commanded me to take the nugdes that I was being offered. I turned around and there was our praying mantis character chomping at the bit and thus it continued; a barrage of instructions to cash out, do the crackshot challenge, take the nudges etc such that it was a relief when my credits finally expired.

At this point, he retired to his stool to await his next victim and I retired to my room where I pondered popping into Millets to buy enough kit to bivvy up in the middle of a field for the remainder of the week.

 

[That Jekka Gal]

I've lost count of the number of oddballs and misfits that have come banging on my door over the years - gipsies, travelling salesmen, gentlemen of the road - I've had them all here.

A few years ago, I went to answer a knock at the door to find an elderly couple in a state of some agitation. They explained that they had been walking but had lost their way and were anxious that they wouldn't make it back home to Bath in time for that evening's episode of Hearbeat and would I mind awfully if they came in and watched it on my TV.

My old man would have none of this when he was alive and had one of those "No hawkers, gipsies or purveyors of religious knowledge" signs afixed to the gate post at the bottom of the garden path and, as a last resort, he always kept a policeman's helmet on display inside the porch.

I found myself wishing these measures were still in place the other night When I was accosted on my doorstep by an old tinker woman who asked in a gravelly Irish brogue:

"Beggin' yer pardon m'aam, but I was wondering if you could help me out. Me little girl's just pappered her knickers and I was wondering if you might have a spare pair if it's not too much trouble that is".

I was just about to explain that that I didn't have much in the way of kids' undies when the 6'4" frame of her "little girl" darkened the entrance of my wisteria festooned porch clutching a can of Special Brew, leering menacingly at me.

I grabbed a pair of my size 48s out of the laundry basket and sent them packing before shutting the door on them and slamming the security bolts into place.

Gave me a terrible fright it did.