Permabanned
- Joined
- 27 Nov 2009
- Posts
- 306
> This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
> angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but
> brilliantly written.
>
>
> Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
>
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
> police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
> and try emailing you instead.
>
> Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to you
> colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon, or Ouija
> board.
>
> As I am writing this email there are eleven failed medical experiments
> (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent which is just off
> St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
>
> Six of them seem to be happy enough to play a game which involves
> kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
> This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings through the entire
> building.
>
> This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> system works, I have no idea if it will end anytime soon.
>
> The remaining five failed abortions are happily rummaging through
> several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
> and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills
>
> I fear it is only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on it's side between
> the two bins.
>
> If they could be relied upon to only blow their arms and legs off then I
> would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them
> the matches.
>
> Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
> them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
>
> What I suggest is this - after replying to this email with worthless
> assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
> why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath
> night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
> Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This
> will, of course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
> actually look like.
>
> I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
> throwbacks you'll do me the courtesy of giving me a four month head
> start before coming to arrest me.
>
> I remain your obedient servant
>
> ??????
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
>
> Mr ??????,
>
> I have read your email and understand the frustration at the problems
> caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have
> encountered in trying to contact the police .
>
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street, I would like to extend an
> offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
>
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
>
> Regards
>
> PC ???????
>
> Community Beat Officer
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------
>
> Dear PC ??????
>
> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> original email
>
> 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
> Station, and rest assured that i will forward these details to Norris
> McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness Book of Records.
>
> Secondly, I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own Community
> Beat Officer.
>
> May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
> five or so years I have lived in St. Mary's Crescent I have never seen
> you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
> infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and moustache
> on his forehead or the one with the chin like a wash hand basin? It's
> surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look
> for Osama.
>
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
> in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without
> due care and attention, is it too much to ask a policeman to explain
> (using words of no more than two syllables at a time)to these ****s that
> they might want to play their strange of football elsewhere.
>
> The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
> spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the
> preferred option especially if the tide is in.
>
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
> contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle pub.
>
> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!
>
>
>
> angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but
> brilliantly written.
>
>
> Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
>
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
> police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
> and try emailing you instead.
>
> Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to you
> colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon, or Ouija
> board.
>
> As I am writing this email there are eleven failed medical experiments
> (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent which is just off
> St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
>
> Six of them seem to be happy enough to play a game which involves
> kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
> This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings through the entire
> building.
>
> This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> system works, I have no idea if it will end anytime soon.
>
> The remaining five failed abortions are happily rummaging through
> several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
> and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills
>
> I fear it is only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on it's side between
> the two bins.
>
> If they could be relied upon to only blow their arms and legs off then I
> would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them
> the matches.
>
> Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
> them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
>
> What I suggest is this - after replying to this email with worthless
> assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
> why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath
> night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
> Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This
> will, of course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
> actually look like.
>
> I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
> throwbacks you'll do me the courtesy of giving me a four month head
> start before coming to arrest me.
>
> I remain your obedient servant
>
> ??????
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
>
> Mr ??????,
>
> I have read your email and understand the frustration at the problems
> caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have
> encountered in trying to contact the police .
>
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street, I would like to extend an
> offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
>
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
>
> Regards
>
> PC ???????
>
> Community Beat Officer
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------
>
> Dear PC ??????
>
> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> original email
>
> 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
> Station, and rest assured that i will forward these details to Norris
> McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness Book of Records.
>
> Secondly, I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own Community
> Beat Officer.
>
> May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
> five or so years I have lived in St. Mary's Crescent I have never seen
> you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
> infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and moustache
> on his forehead or the one with the chin like a wash hand basin? It's
> surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look
> for Osama.
>
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
> in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without
> due care and attention, is it too much to ask a policeman to explain
> (using words of no more than two syllables at a time)to these ****s that
> they might want to play their strange of football elsewhere.
>
> The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
> spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the
> preferred option especially if the tide is in.
>
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
> contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle pub.
>
> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!
>
>
>
