Problem were I don't want to look uncaring..!! Please help..

[iv-tecman]

This is perhaps something I shouldn’t post about but I’m pretty torn up about what I should be doing..

Basically, my gf is or ‘was’ having ultrasound guided steroid injections for pain management due to Morton’s Metatarsalgia in her feet.

Since the procedure, sadly she has put on a massive amount of weight, and despite warnings about how excessive weight can further compound the issue of pain in her feet, she has decided that she simply doesn’t care.

She has gone from a size 10 – 18 in a matter of months…. She firmly blames the treatment and seems to think that the injections will come out of her and she’ll lose the additional weight without a lifestyle change. I don’t think she will.

I don’t know what I should do, as I talked to her about it, and she accused me of no longer liking her as I now perceive her as fat.

I’ve offered to go swimming with her, as she can go swimming and not affect the pain in her feet, and offered to place myself on the same diet to reduce salt and sugars, as advised by her consultants.

I feel her attitude towards the increase in weight and not wanting to do anything about it is pretty upsetting, as I feel myself finding her less attractive all the time. And for this I feel very bad. I should love her for what she is, and not how she looks, and I know the injections have changed her body, but what do I do?

I nearly let her go a week ago, and it hurt her badly, and she has now started to swim, but she still refuses to change her diet, and continues to eat rather unhealthy imo.

In the last few weeks it has been harder and harder for me to stay with her, but somehow when we talk, I do feel for her – she is now listed as disabled and therefore I do feel as if I’m being very selfish…

I should support her in her illness and the fact she can’t walk all that far, and is on painkillers 24/7 but I do feel she doesn’t help herself…..

I’m on the fence, I do love her, we have made plans for the future and she does want to lose the weight for her own health but doesn’t take any advice – plus there is now the added complication that I have found the excess body weight very unattractive.

Please, no nasty comments…. Thank you.

 

[iv-tecman]

I am trying..... I myself have a kidney problem and was advised to eat healthy, and I do.... I try to cook her healthy meals but its just not working...

I can't beleive how in a few months she just ballooned up. It was very upsetting, but size 10 - 18 makes her look HUGE.!!! the stomach is massive. she actually looks expecting. Some actually ask us when its due.!!

I was ready to let her go, but when she offered to go swimming with me, it did give a ray of light.

I really do not want to see myself as uncaring. We've only been together a short time as well......... But we fell in love. she loves me to bits, but I she always plays the "I have to be happy with myself otherwise it would ruin my confidence" sadly its ruined mine in her at the moment...

 

[iv-tecman]

Her condition is mortons toe, but she had a car crash a few years ago, and it really messed her feet up...... the bones in her feet are actually too long, and he second and third toes are bigger then her big toe meaning she hasn't actually walked correctly since birth.. Well, actually they did fix this by breaking and shortening the bones, but after the car crash it ruined her feet..

so about a month after we met she'd already made her mind up for pain management and injections once her bones were fully set.... This was mostly before I came along but after a year of being with her, I now know the truth..

I don;t mind anyone trying to reduce pain, even more so after feet have been rebuilt, but to do nothing after side affects, even more so when weight can create her problems - I feel its really bad, and pig headed and stubborn.

It can be passed to her offspring, she got morton's toe from her own mum, but she had more pain as a child with it.....

 

[iv-tecman]

I'm 35. I really do want to move on with my life but if she isn't the one then I guess its time to call it quits, and I really do hate myself for thinking like this...

I want to help, I've asked all I dare about what happened, and she accused my of being hung up on something she can't control...

She even told me if I want a play thing to hang of my shoulder, then go and look for it...!! I very nearly did.

 

[iv-tecman]

To be honest, although I can understand the circumstances and everything, leaving her while she's on treatment and because she's suddenly gained weight it pretty low.

I would probably be guilty of doing the same thing in such a situation but that doesn't make it right.

Plus, I have little idea as to why you're asking OcUK on advice; a male dominated forum full of lonely geeks (like myself) probably isn't the best place for balanced opinions.

I know, I just wanted to talk about it.... I tried to talk to my mum and she called her fat and didn't like it.... Didn't help.

I do feel guilty, I find myself talking bad to her, and she says I've changed since it all happened.... she told me last night that she loves me dearly and doesn't want me to leave her, but please accept that this is how she is, and she'll continue eating what she damn well likes... Her words.

I do love her - as in her but you need to find your life partner attractive.... I look into her face, and almost cry as she is so pretty as I look down and see her so big.....!!

I really do want to give her time, and I'll guess this is what I'll do. If after a few months she looks to be reducing in size, heck I'd say dropping a size in a few months is good, as it will take time, then I'll feel less guilty... I do feel very low at the moment... Low in emotion and energy.

 

[iv-tecman]

Then thats your problem.

'Man up' as it were and deal with it. God forbid you ever get ill and you let yourself go. It sounds like she's got enough problems without her own boyfriend judging her appearance.

No that's fine I do think honest talk is needed..... Don't want to throw something away if it could be good in the future.

 

[iv-tecman]

I know, deep down she ‘really’ doesn’t like being 18. It was not nice for her to have to go out and buy all new clothes in a matter of months, upsetting as it must have been she’s shown no emotion towards it, but I do know deep down its not what she really wants.

I know this, as whilst we were walking the dogs, she mentioned that she can handle the weight and how everyone perceives her, but would like to lose it naturally so as to avoid excess skin – so its on her mind, for sure…!!

I am trying to be supportive. I don’t want to leave her as it will be low. She told me when we were about to split, and trust this, this is a hard as nails girl. She has never, and I mean never cried in front of me, but she did that day. She broke down, and tears were down her face. She was devastated.

She started to question that she was now ugly and fat, and its not that… I wasn’t leaving her for her weight. I was leaving as she was not taking charge and doing something, and this hurts me more…. I can take being out with a girl sized 18. She might actually loose some if it, and drop to 16, and that’s not far from 14 but it matters not… What hurt me was the selfish attdute of ‘I’m not changing, for NO ONE..!!’ even though I voiced health concerns as my main reasons for doing something about it…

I think this’ll be hard on both of us, I myself need to watch what I eat as I’ve got a medical condition – we are a right pair…. But see how it goes…. Glad I’m not the only one who thought she was a little out of order.

I was really starting to doubt myself… Its troubled me for months, and I’ve now broken down and needed to talk.,.

Thanks all..

 

[iv-tecman]

We sat down, we had a very long, and at times heated debate and she’s started to see that being such a large size after been 8 sizes smaller isn’t good.

So, we’ve agreed to a plan that’ll hopefully help to get some of the health concern away regarding excess weight.

She doesn’t want to take any type of diet medication, she wants to try and lose it naturally however I think we both agreed that going back down to a size 10 isn’t really realistic. The medication she still takes will still see her gain weight, so we set a goal of losing two dress sizes to make her a more chubby 14.

Strangest problem I’ve ever had to deal with, I always felt girls were eager to lose weight, and change their lifestyles to do so. We’re both going to see a fitness and dietician adviser to see what can be done to help, and we’ll have to take it from there.

To be honest, she needs to lose it but more importantly she had to adjust the attitude, and agree to weight loss, as not only was her size of 18 unattractive, I think I found the fact that she would except more weight gain and her attitude more unattractive.

And I told her this. I can handle medical weight gain, I can’t handle a ‘don’t care’ attitude.

We’ll have to see how it goes. If after 6 months she hasn’t done anything positive then I’ll have to re-evaluate.

I honestly do not think there is anymore I can do. I’ve explained the health risk, shown concern, told her the unattractiveness in size and attitude jeopardises our relationship and offered support and to be there for her…..

Thanks for all the replies..

 

[iv-tecman]

Sounds like you've done exactly the right thing. There's not much more can be done, really.

Good luck to you both!

Thanks.... I'm taking the approach of if after the six months she seems to have gained and gone up to say size 20 and done nothing we've planned then its time for me to rethink, but if she still gains and has done all she can then what am I to do? Its medical..

however if she does drop to size 16 in that time, it'll show that it can be controlled and hopefully that'll be a postitive and she'll take some pride in that.

I can't honestly force her to do anything but I can advise. Its up to her to take this advise, and to be honest, I get the impression she's the type of person to kick and scream and say no, but once she thinks about it on her own etc she does finally see sense in what is being said. Its not all lost, but man is it frustrating..

 

[iv-tecman]

I do slightly object to you using 14 and chubby in the same sentence.

Would you expect her to stand by you if lets say you were in an accident, couldnt exercise anymore, and therefore put weight on? Surely love is about more than just how a person looks? Shes still the same person at the end of the day

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Size 14 isn't a big size, not at all. and in the case of accident, well yes I'd still be with her, but only if she agreed to do all that was advised.

as I said, it was the 'don't care' attitude that I found more unattractive, the weight gain wasn't the real issue, it was her 'I'm not doing anything about it mindset that had me more concerned....

If she stays a size 18 and does all she can, then that's fine. To be honest, its bigger then her size 10 but its not so much that I find her repugnant. but then I find it a little less attractive then her size 10. But if she does manage to lose some of it, and it helps her pain and gives her some self esteem she'll get a positive from it and hopefully the whole outlook will change...

this is something she can do something about...

 

[iv-tecman]

Well, I was good to my word and we both went swimming last night. And trust me, she wasn’t anywhere near as big in her new sized swimming cozy then some of the women in that pool last night – trust me.!! And she knew it, so it helped her to keep focused on the job in hand, to get some excercise and have some fun at the same time...

And for the record I am not being judgemental, not of her I was more concerned about her lack of self respect as it was very un-attractive.

And to also let you all know, I can’t actually swim and had to buy some swimming trunks quickly yesterday so as I could join her. And, we spent over an hour in the pool and by the end of it, I was at least able to keep afloat and swim the shallow end of the pool… All round, bit of an achievement….

She also proudly said to me in the pool how she was happy that we’d decided to try and overcome the issue, and how I am learning to swim to help her, so it can’t all be lost….

Although, I got a bit worried when she said ‘I need to trim down, so as I can fit into my wedding dress a few years from now’ then laughed. Erm.. ok, well least it gives her a goal to strive for…. lol

 

[iv-tecman]

Thanks all... I'm basically doing all I can, and I'm being very honest. I've been open to her about my feelings, she knows, and this was all more apparent last night that changes need to be made.

Its like I've said, we set a goal of healthy eating as best possible without denying everything... Swimming three times a week - hour each time, some light walking with the dogs and aim to reduce sizes till she reaches what she feels more comfortable with.....

she is actually a very large 18 almost 20 depending, so she has a lot of work to do, and so do I. that sort of weight gain isn't easy to shift, but it can be done. I don't think she'll ever get to size 10 again. she was verging on 12 before the treatments anyhow. size 16 /14 will be enough so show she's done all she can.

I would never 'just' leave her without giving her a chance..... She admitted at the weekend, she can fix this. she is eating less bits n bobs through the day and having two set meals. Fatty food intake is being cut out, and we'll see how it goes....

the good news for me, is that after about a month of me attempting to encourage, getting frustrated, watching her do nothing other then eat and sleep has now turned into a totally different week. But we've still got a long way to go..

 

[iv-tecman]

Tough call.

My wife has gone up and down the dress size scale* why we've been together and I've had times when I was starting to find her somewhat less atractive than normal. However we've been together nine years so I'm not going to bail out at the first dress size change.

However, you haven't been with her long so you are going to have to make a tougher call. I do think you should support her (can she cycle as that has less stimgma as you don't need to wear a swim suit) and talk to her.

She probably feels like crap and perhaps needs a bit of support. After you've talked and if she still doesn't seem to care then you have to make the call.

It ain't easy for you but given todays size stigmas it probably isn't easy for you.


* From 12 - 18 stabilising at 14.

That's pretty much all I want. And we have talked, a lot. And we have made a lot of progress, and its all starting to be positive. Like I say, if she makes that effort, and even if she doesn't lose anything as long as a see the effort and the change in attitude - and this has happened this week then I will not quit on her.

I think, and this is me, I have faith that she'll drop to at least a 14, but I feel the belly will never be the same, its well ballooned out. I've never seen it before. Never, from the back you would think she has a size 14 hourglass figure, but at the front, its soooooo puffed out. And it doesn't even wobble, its rock hard. so until it at least goes squashy, she'll not shift it..

Swimming wasn't a problem for her, she admitted the swimsuit was a bit - erm not nice but she said, and I didn't expect this. I'll wear this in public to do something so as we're going to stay together..... and that means a lot. I do think after weeks of me talking, and comments from this thread that I've repeated has changed her aspect on this, and she is shifting her views....

Time will tell....

 

[iv-tecman]

Is her pain management being done by Cortisone injections? Googling the side effects seems to suggest weight gain as a potential long-term side effect.

Yes, that what the treatments were.... It didn't work as well as she'd hoped for. She admitted this, and has agreed to no more injections. and I DO agree on that, in fact she had a pain nerve block procedure last month, and since this, she has admitted this has worked fantastic, and that used ultra waves to kill nerves..... the injections were a bad idea, and she does feel bad for it, and bitter truth told.

 

[iv-tecman]

Few months on, thought I'd report on progress...

Would anyone say this would have been a poor daily intake of food or good?

Day 1

Morning

Weetabix with sprinkle of sugar and warm water, small amount of milk

Lunch

Crumpets with low fat spread (utterly butter) with a small bit of strawberry jam

Dinner

Two chicken and bacon tortilla wraps with salad (lettuce, cucumber, red onion and red peppers with a small bit of grated cheese with only a small amount of side chips)

Drinks

Sugar free orange squash, three teas with two sugar and a small glass of pepsi max with a few glasses of pure apple juice.

Day 2

Morning

Weetabix with sprinkle of sugar and warm water, small amount of milk
Fresh Pears

Lunch

Salad (lettuce, cucumber, red onion and red peppers) with a cheese and ham sandwich (low fat spread - utterly butter)
Bag of Smiths salt and vinegar square crisps

Dinner

Chicken Chow Mien (on its own no rice)

Drinks

Sugar free orange squash, three teas with two sugar and a small glass of pepsi max with a few glasses of pure apple juice.

That’s a couple of days, and the portions are not large. My gf is trying to lose weight and I thought that wasn’t too bad a diet, but I reckon there is room for improvement… Before I mention anything, as she has asked if I thought it was a good diet, thought I’d ask others…

It used to be a diet of –

Breakfast

Grilled Bacon rolls with Butter

Lunch

Maybe skipped, or chocolate bar with crisps or a KFC or junkie food

Dinner

Pizza with chips

No fruit, no salads

Drinks

Tea with three sugars, about 1 – 2 ltr of coke a day no orange or apple drinks…

This was regular and now ‘that’s’ unhealthy I felt…!!

Should also say, sometimes, as she now swims three times a day, wii fit three or four times a week, half hour dog walks three times a day she does found her energy zapped sometimes, as she is overweight, but getting a lot better she does sometimes have an energy drink…. However that’s not being over done or abused.

I reckon that’s quite an improvement, and her choice. And a much better lifestyle… Aims to lose around a pound a week, now dropped to around 16 from almost verging on size 20….

 

[iv-tecman]

She is a member of weight watchers, and she hates them… Always telling her off for not eating enough and getting the points. She even has all the books and scales, which cost her a fortune…

She has changed her attitude a lot and the diet is greatly improved. Microwaved scrambled eggs on toast or poached eggs on toast with no mayo or anything, just toast and low fat spread as well as crumpets..

I just gave the last two days eating habits..

The day before she had cornflakes with fruit and milk, lunch consisted of poached eggs on toast (low fat spread) this being two small eggs and dinner was chicken in tomato and pepper sauce with side salad and white rice with a bowl of tomato soup (small portion) with French stick and low fat spread.

She did have a small bit of chocolate cake that day (which was naughty) but you cant not have anything at all..

Drinks were pretty much the same as all other days.

oh its worth knowing, that until six months ago, she would think nothing of downing a large amount of KFC and half a bottle of coke in one sitting.... I've even seen her down a large 10 slice meat feast pizza till recently... I had a pizza a few weeks ago, a large pizza and she had two slices and complained she was stuffed and felt fat..!! eck..!!

women eh? Was horrified with Wii fit called her obese... Even I didn't think she looked all that bad anymore. She is looking way fitter now, then she did six months ago, hate to think what Wii fit would have called her back then..