Put yourself in my shoes....what would you do?

[Spike_UK]

OK, although this is about my current medical status, I have got all the help I need medically, so please do not turn this into a medical thread.

I'm currently trying to work through a eating disorder which i have struggled with for the last 5 years. It's not anorexia, in fact, I'd love to be fat. Mine is caused by a fear of vomiting...this means that if I eat something I'm not happy with, get indigestion in the night or in public places, then I will have a panic attack which will then bring on Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

It's actually been pretty managable over the last 5 years, but since I started my new job a year ago, it's got very out of control. I found that I couldn't eat a meal in the canteen without getting major indigestion or IBS afterwards. This quickly spread to meals out with family and even to car journeys anywhere! I quickly became housebound apart from going to work.

Now factor in the second part of the equation....my other half. We've lived together for three years so he has seen me in both good and the bad.
My current condition however is pushing him away. He hates not being able to do anything with me. We haven't been to the cinema in months. We don't go out for meals for fear of an attack AND at christmas he had to go visit his family on his own as I wasn't stable enough to last the car journey to Huddersfield.

I have tried counselling and hypnotherapy, but neither had much effect so in December 2005 I went to my doctors to ask for his recommendation. He has perscribed a low dose of Anti-Axiety/Anti-Depression medication which i have to take daily. I started taking these as soon as I got them and although it was horrendous at first (due to them making anxiety worse before better) after 8 weeks on them I was doing really well and I'm slowly getting back on my feet.

The trouble is, I'm finding that I'm not able to do as much as I used to.
I can spend all day at home and I'll be fine (as long as I eat well, no junk).
But if I try to live a normal life, I'll be OK for awhile, then i'll quickly drop and end up having time off work again while I get myself back to normal again.

That's the position I find myself in now. I've been off work since last thursday, and although i feel fine, I'm in a constant state of anxiety. This is slowly subsiding as the days go on, but I'm not able to concentrate on work when I'm like this.

Now here's the dilema....and this is a serious consideration. We're having arguments at the moment because if I work, I'm not relaxed enough by the end of the week to spend any time with my other half. I'm worried that if i go out with my other half and push myself too far too soon, I'll have a attack and knobble myself for work. This means that we never do anything!
It's almost as if I can't do both work and a relationship at the same time.

So...I'm considering jacking it in and getting myself better...

The problem is, I love my job and I'm really good at it. I work in the IT Deparment of a Private School. It's a lot of work, but I enjoy it (when I'm feeling well), and the pay is good (£22k).
My other half works is a store manager for the major highstreet retailer, so he's on a fair bit (£32k).

We both live at my mother's house for £400 a month, so all we pay for is Food and any other treats. So money wouldn't be a problem if I was to jack it in (although it would mean our chances of buying a house would be on hold for awhile).

So.....what would you do in my shoes???

Carry on working and risk loosing the other half or making yourself worse?
OR
Jack it in, get yourself well and enjoy time with your other half?

 

[Spike_UK]

Can you tell me the things that have helped you cope with this because I want to help her if I can

If I'm at home, the best thing I have to cope is a vast supply of entertaining programs to watch. Personally I find one or two episodes of Malcolm in the Middle and I'll be feeling fine again. Really it's anything that takes your mind off it.

While I'm out and about, there's a finger tapping technique that acts as a distraction that works very well. With your thumb you tap the end of each finger on that hand...then you try and skip a finger and speed up. It's tricky and works quite well as a distraction.

Without delving into the medical, I have found the anti-depressants from the doctors have helped me cope a lot better. When I do get an attack it passaes much quicker on these meds than it ever did without.

There are also two message boards I read and post on now and again which help for support.

One is for panic attacks - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/
And one for Emetophobia (fear of vomit) - http://www.emetophobia.org/

Hope these help!

 

[Spike_UK]

Keep your loved one and let the job go, if your partner is on 32k pa and you live with your mam then you dont have anything to worry about. Im suprised that you do live with your mother considering your joint income is 55k pa which is a sizeable amount, if you dont go out and do anyhting you must have thousands saved up so surely you could live off that and your partners salary and look at sorting yourself out and then returning to work oart time or on a job share.

That's exactly my current thought pattern at the moment. Thing is, I don't want to put too much pressure on my other half. I'd like to find some way of making money at home without putting too much pressure on myself.

I'd charge for web design, but that seems a bit of a swamped market now (I do the web design for a mates underground site, 250k hits per day -

The hardest part about all this is that my job is the first one I've had where I enjoy going to work. I actually feel good at it, but for other reason I'm unable to work. Really annoying!!

Work know exactly what's going on and have been very supportive, but how much longer can this continue?

 

[Spike_UK]

I would also say get rid of the job and look after yourself. At the end of the day this really needs to be sorted out, no matter how much time it takes. Oviously I don't know the condition well enough but I would think relaxing and letting your body try to overcome this would be the best bet.

Maybe when you start to feel a little more active do something part time, work your way back up slowly doing baby steps and see how much you can do?

I wish you all the best and hop things work out!

This kind of goes in line with another option I had.....I'd ask work to see if they would let me work half days for awhile.

I don't want to lose this job as it's got great prospects, but I can't continue as it is

 

[Spike_UK]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Looks like I'll be having a word with my other half tonight.

As mentioned, I think the best option to try first, before jumping in with two feet, will be to see if I can work half days for awhile and see how I get on. I haven't done a full week since before christmas, which can't continue.