Quick Friday afternoon joke

platinum87 said:
Jokes need to be long, im sick of these one line nonsense like all the american and canadian comedians seem to love.

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
Click to expand...

That joke sucks so bad I'm tempted to hunt you down and kung fu your ass into a ditch.
 
Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

Q: What's the difference between a Pyromaniac and Leeds football club?
A: A Pyromaniac wouldn't throw away all his matches!

Q: What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170
A: Elland road every other Saturday.

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone from Leeds?
A: It saves time
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
 
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're *********** me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
 
what do you say to a scoucer with a job?
Big mac please.

What's long and goes round Liverpool?
Dole que

2 scoucers steal a car. 1 turns to the other & says quick check the indicators are working.
Other turns it on & says "carp it's broken, it goes on then off....."

scoucer goes into the job centre and says to the person in there.
My girfriends just offered me a b**wjob would that affect my benefits?

Scoucer's in a bar and this gay bloke starts chatting to him, next thing the scoucer punches him & nocks him cold to the ground.
Barman says "what u do that for, he seamed a nice chap"
scoucer says "he offered me some sort of job!"

grabs coat and legs it.
 
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