Spec me cycle chain oil please

[SexyGreyFox]

and while you're at it how to wipe my bum

Seriously I've been oiling my chains for 6 years now but feel I'm not doing it right.
There are so many to choose from - wet, dry, grease etc!

So how often, which type, any special preparations before use etc?

Thanks

 

[SexyGreyFox]

Thanks for the replies - I'll carry on with my Muc Off C3 Ceramic Wet although I'd love a litre for £7

I ride 45 miles every week and clean my chain & sprockets every two weeks with a wire brush and then apply the oil.
However I get fed up when a bloke at work looks down 3 days later and says "Still got no oil on your chain?"
He rides 26 miles a day and re-lubes every week so my 2 weeks should be OK!