The good news: There are now roughly eight million people on Xbox Live. The bad news: They all fit into one of these sad-but-true stereotypes, lovingly illustrated by Martin Abel. Learn to spot them and you too can survive in the wild!
The Whiner
Tearius Excusus
“I would have beat you if you hadn’t crouched/ camped/picked the good car/gun/map.”
PROFILE: A loss is never the Whiner’s fault; it’s lag, or brain-dead teammates who don’t follow orders, or screen glare, or cheat codes, or one of those faulty controllers that only the Whiner ever gets, or an earthquake – anything but a lack of skill on the Whiner’s part. Every loss is a reason to complain, and there are ample reasons to complain. Really just about life in general.
STRATEGIES: If you’re feeling generous and brave, you can try to defuse the Whiner with some encouraging comments about their positive achievements; sometimes they counteract the insecurity and the Whiner realizes that there’s nothing to be upset about. Or you could suggest calling 911 and asking for the “whahhhm-bulance.” They love that.
The Griefer
Disruptus Obnoxious
“I don’t care. Shut up. I paid for Live. Shut up. Shut up.”
PROFILE: One of the better-known species of online gamers, the Griefer is thankfully not too common on Xbox Live. The Griefer lives to ruin other people’s fun, so you can often find them driving in the opposite direction in racing games, running in the opposite direction in football games, and assisting the opposite side in team-based games. If only they would shoot in the opposite direction in first-person games…
STRATEGIES: When you meet a Griefer, do not approach. Just mute ’em, boot ’em, and let Xbox Live admins handle the dispute. Or you can introduce him to The Tough Guy.
The Tough Guy
Furious Pugilus
“Dude, I’m gonna @#$%in’ kick your ass.”
PROFILE: For the Tough Guy, proximity (or lack of it) breeds bravery. You sniped him with a headshot in Halo 2, so you will have your face rearranged, as soon as you tell him where you live. Once riled, the Tough Guy rarely calms down, and you won’t know you’ve encountered one until it’s too late. Can be easily spotted by the bulging vein in his neck.
STRATEGIES: Find what really bothers him and then light that short fuse, over and over and over…
The Ghost
Oblivious Silencio
“…”
PROFILE: The Ghost joins your server. The Ghost joins your team. The Ghost never utters a word, does not respond to any known form of communication, does not join in on team strategy, and leaves silently. It’s like the Ghost was never there.
STRATEGIES: If the Ghost is any good, don’t worry about it. It might be one of the game’s developers “slumming” with the fans.
The Motormouth
Gabbius Maximus
“Soanywaytheguytellsmethathesgoingto@# $%in’kickmyassandIamlikedudewhyareyousoangryitsjustagame!”
PROFILE: Quite the opposite of the Ghost, the Motormouth is on Xbox Live for the social experience – at the expense of paying attention to the game at hand. Often suspected to be able to unhinge their jaw, the Motormouth talks about anything and everything once they get a captive audience – what they had for lunch, how cool their last game was (the one you weren’t there for), every score of every review in the last issue of OXM, or every last gory detail of some private (often romantic) story with the one other person they know in real life on the 10-player server. Sadly, the Motormouth often brings skills; its teammates simply have to bring earplugs.
STRATEGIES: This is the reason the Mute function was invented. Carefully praise their skills for fear of engaging in conversation.
The Insider
Egotisticus Delusio
“This is nice and all, but Halo 4 is way better. Yeah, I played it.”
PROFILE: A fountain of useless and dubious knowledge, the Insider has played every game ever released for the Xbox and a handful of betas as well. They have played games that do not yet exist, they have intimate knowledge of Microsoft’s true motivations and future plans, and they have J Allard’s phone number. Basically, they have everything but proof of their claims. Insiders often work at software stores and/or run small websites in their quest to be an Insider. Insiders never work for Microsoft.
STRATEGIES: Be unimpressed. This should come naturally.
The Normal One
Homo Sapiens
“Good game.”
PROFILE: This is you, of course, because you’ve never been any of the others
