To help others understand what it is like for someone with Bi-polar type 2, ADHD, PTSD and Higher functioning how it affects you and the challenges a normal day might hold.
Disclaimer, with multiple issues the way they affect me personally may be completely different to someone else who is dealing with this or other problems.
I use technology and gaming to fight this battle every day, this is what a normal not a bad day, not a good day involves for me.
My doctors and consultants in 2019 were just waiting for the call from the Police to say my body had been found, I was on suicide watch but they were helpless to stop me if I took my final decision, they tried so many things.
Now they class me as a miracle and want to write a paper with me on how technology and gaming did what medication and hospital couldn't do. (note I have a number I can ring if I ever feel that I need to go long stay hospital or call in the team) but every day I am still fighting a battle that begins again each morning.
IF you know someone who is depressed or dealing with problems like this remember if they managed to get out of bed and walk down stairs, its enough, and never ever EVER EVER ******* tell them to shake it off and or give them your words of "just do it".
5:22am, I open my eyes and the count down begins, 5-10 seconds is all I have to get out of bed and turn on the audible book I am reading to stop my brain from hitting me with a dark truth that will send me into a bad place, I manage to turn on the audible book, mentally calculating how many more books I have left or do I have enough money to buy another 3 credits to keep the bogeyman away for one more day.
The bogeyman called depression who knows my every weakness my every thought and can twist them into darkness if I let him, who with his allies ADHD can drive me into a subject that I can't stop or turn of that I can't switch from, like watching my wife die or her feet slowly necrotising as flesh fell away, like is my bowel cancer finally coming back, that twinge in my stomach that pain in my lung did it move to my lungs, is my heart finally going to give out or a million more..
I make it to the bathroom but no energy for a shower, water on face and use the toilet, remove the diaper and drop it in the hallway ready to go down stairs and do laundry, listening to the audio book drowning out the thoughts of a 50 year old guy who has to wear diapers to bed because bowel cancer means otherwise I wake up every hour for the bathroom and get no sleep and I REALLY NEED THAT SLEEP! to have the energy to fight another ******* day.
Get out my tablet and play solitair or gems at war while on the toilet so my mind can't jump to a bad subject. ask alexa what day it is because I can't remember, then ask again because I got distracted and forgot repeat 5 times and THEN I FINALLY HAVE THE DAY IN MY HEAD!!!.
New clothes? what is the point, will change clothes tomorrow when I have a shower, if I have the energy or will to make it happen, up and down stairs 4 times as I forget first my drink, then the diaper, then the drink, then my phone, oh and the diaper *laughs*.... old cloth style because I can't afford to buy disposables and the NHS with all its cuts stopped providing adult diapers in 2015 as a policy change even for those on the highest level of disability.
Let the dogs out and feed them, note it down on a piece of paper so I don't end up feeding them more than once in the morning, prepare food, fight the urge to buy a take out which would be sooo ******* easy but I have no money. so I fight it and cook some potatoes and veg plus sausages. a small win but a win
Exhausted but alive, remember to take my medication for BP, it is only 8am but so tired, sleep would be bad because sleep would mean I had to stay up to 3am instead of 2am to be able to fall asleep instantly and if I don't then no sleep for me no no no just a night of pain and suffering which may just may mean tomorrow not enough energy to fight.
A message from Valve... I can't open it because well when I contacted my friend in valve I asked him if he knew anyone high up in valve who would support my channel and help me fund what I do, I sat and looked at that email for 2 ******* hours just sat in my chair doing nothing looking at the email unable to open in and my mind swirling around with thoughts like he probably going to say don't contact me again, probably trash my details and never talk again you had to ask for help didn't you, now he will think you are trying to scam him or use him to contact those higher in valve, he hates you, why would anyone at that company try to help you or want to help a snivelling piece of ***** like you end it now end it ******* now because no one will EVER HELP YOU and your channel will die in obscurity and the only people who watch it is those that pitty your existance to do there one good deed for the day and you couldn't even save your wifes life!..
With teeth grinding and hands in balled up fists fingers driven into my palms I take a breath and look at the Valve index that Valve sent me as a gift when they heard my story, I look across at the letter they sent signed by everyone in the VR project department and I finally open the email he asks me how I am says he is trying to think of anyone in valve to talk to, they don't sponsor anyone really but he will ask around.
Another battle barely won.
If you have a friend who is depressed or dealing with disability and asks you for help realise that is probably the hardest thing he or she will ever do so before you joke it off or say you are busy, just imagine what that response might do to that person and how one day when they are close to the edge, they may not ask for help because who would want to help someone like them.
I get a drink hands still shaking, sit down at my PC, turn on my camera and record the morning vlog "Hello and welcome to the Quebber channel, I am Jason your host" today I want to talk about depression. then I eat the meal that is ready.
The next 9 hours spent streaming interspersed with audible books allow me to have a "good" day, spend time with my friends in stream, make some people smile, inspire someone to ring his mum.
VR to settle myself before bed, different games all on stream because I can't game alone.
Other events happen during the day but the examples above should show what an "okay" day is.
Tomorrow it starts again.
Disclaimer, with multiple issues the way they affect me personally may be completely different to someone else who is dealing with this or other problems.
I use technology and gaming to fight this battle every day, this is what a normal not a bad day, not a good day involves for me.
My doctors and consultants in 2019 were just waiting for the call from the Police to say my body had been found, I was on suicide watch but they were helpless to stop me if I took my final decision, they tried so many things.
Now they class me as a miracle and want to write a paper with me on how technology and gaming did what medication and hospital couldn't do. (note I have a number I can ring if I ever feel that I need to go long stay hospital or call in the team) but every day I am still fighting a battle that begins again each morning.
IF you know someone who is depressed or dealing with problems like this remember if they managed to get out of bed and walk down stairs, its enough, and never ever EVER EVER ******* tell them to shake it off and or give them your words of "just do it".
5:22am, I open my eyes and the count down begins, 5-10 seconds is all I have to get out of bed and turn on the audible book I am reading to stop my brain from hitting me with a dark truth that will send me into a bad place, I manage to turn on the audible book, mentally calculating how many more books I have left or do I have enough money to buy another 3 credits to keep the bogeyman away for one more day.
The bogeyman called depression who knows my every weakness my every thought and can twist them into darkness if I let him, who with his allies ADHD can drive me into a subject that I can't stop or turn of that I can't switch from, like watching my wife die or her feet slowly necrotising as flesh fell away, like is my bowel cancer finally coming back, that twinge in my stomach that pain in my lung did it move to my lungs, is my heart finally going to give out or a million more..
I make it to the bathroom but no energy for a shower, water on face and use the toilet, remove the diaper and drop it in the hallway ready to go down stairs and do laundry, listening to the audio book drowning out the thoughts of a 50 year old guy who has to wear diapers to bed because bowel cancer means otherwise I wake up every hour for the bathroom and get no sleep and I REALLY NEED THAT SLEEP! to have the energy to fight another ******* day.
Get out my tablet and play solitair or gems at war while on the toilet so my mind can't jump to a bad subject. ask alexa what day it is because I can't remember, then ask again because I got distracted and forgot repeat 5 times and THEN I FINALLY HAVE THE DAY IN MY HEAD!!!.
New clothes? what is the point, will change clothes tomorrow when I have a shower, if I have the energy or will to make it happen, up and down stairs 4 times as I forget first my drink, then the diaper, then the drink, then my phone, oh and the diaper *laughs*.... old cloth style because I can't afford to buy disposables and the NHS with all its cuts stopped providing adult diapers in 2015 as a policy change even for those on the highest level of disability.
Let the dogs out and feed them, note it down on a piece of paper so I don't end up feeding them more than once in the morning, prepare food, fight the urge to buy a take out which would be sooo ******* easy but I have no money. so I fight it and cook some potatoes and veg plus sausages. a small win but a win
Exhausted but alive, remember to take my medication for BP, it is only 8am but so tired, sleep would be bad because sleep would mean I had to stay up to 3am instead of 2am to be able to fall asleep instantly and if I don't then no sleep for me no no no just a night of pain and suffering which may just may mean tomorrow not enough energy to fight.
A message from Valve... I can't open it because well when I contacted my friend in valve I asked him if he knew anyone high up in valve who would support my channel and help me fund what I do, I sat and looked at that email for 2 ******* hours just sat in my chair doing nothing looking at the email unable to open in and my mind swirling around with thoughts like he probably going to say don't contact me again, probably trash my details and never talk again you had to ask for help didn't you, now he will think you are trying to scam him or use him to contact those higher in valve, he hates you, why would anyone at that company try to help you or want to help a snivelling piece of ***** like you end it now end it ******* now because no one will EVER HELP YOU and your channel will die in obscurity and the only people who watch it is those that pitty your existance to do there one good deed for the day and you couldn't even save your wifes life!..
With teeth grinding and hands in balled up fists fingers driven into my palms I take a breath and look at the Valve index that Valve sent me as a gift when they heard my story, I look across at the letter they sent signed by everyone in the VR project department and I finally open the email he asks me how I am says he is trying to think of anyone in valve to talk to, they don't sponsor anyone really but he will ask around.
Another battle barely won.
If you have a friend who is depressed or dealing with disability and asks you for help realise that is probably the hardest thing he or she will ever do so before you joke it off or say you are busy, just imagine what that response might do to that person and how one day when they are close to the edge, they may not ask for help because who would want to help someone like them.
I get a drink hands still shaking, sit down at my PC, turn on my camera and record the morning vlog "Hello and welcome to the Quebber channel, I am Jason your host" today I want to talk about depression. then I eat the meal that is ready.
The next 9 hours spent streaming interspersed with audible books allow me to have a "good" day, spend time with my friends in stream, make some people smile, inspire someone to ring his mum.
VR to settle myself before bed, different games all on stream because I can't game alone.
Other events happen during the day but the examples above should show what an "okay" day is.
Tomorrow it starts again.
