Tuesday joke

Soldato
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. “The usual?” asks the waitress

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"

“Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say." :D
 
Lol....I'm somehow reminded of that episode of scrubs where JD and Turk go to this mans house only to find out that the aforementioned birds guard it!
 
Heres another:


A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
 
Here's a nice Irish joke to offend everyone.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad,roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No,it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two *********."

"What, he had two *********???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two *********. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two *********...."
 
Gedalia_w said:
Here's a nice Irish joke to offend everyone.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad,roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No,it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two *********."

"What, he had two *********???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two *********. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two *********...."

That got a lol from me!

+44
 
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