Tuesdays Joke

Sonea Fifer

Sonea Fifer

Sonea Fifer

Soldato
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
 
FAILWHALE.jpg
 
Lets see if i can rescue the thread with this one:-

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a fancy new Harley Davidson bike, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the dishes." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's breasts, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to have sex with his girl on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the ******* dishes!"
 
The second one was nearly worse!!!

Jesus said to John "Come forth, and you shall recieve eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
 
Gordon Brown, is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is taken onto a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' you honest sonsie face,
Great Chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thaim,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."

Gordon, being somewhat confused, just grins, moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some hae nane that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thank it."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Gordon moves on to the third patient, who immediately begins to declaim,

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"

Alarmed, Gordon turns to the doctor accompanying him and demands an explanation: "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"
"No", replies the doctor "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
 
I was walking into club the other day when the bouncer stoppped me. I had a pair of jump leads around my neck. The bouncer said:

"I'll let you in...but dont start anything!"
 
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