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Caporegime
- Joined
- 29 Aug 2007
- Posts
- 28,719
- Location
- Auckland
Not my own work, from another forum and not to be taken too seriously :
Genius
England Man-Boy National Outdoor 11-A-Side Football Team FC
"I don't want to talk about the other team, I want to talk about ENGLAND"
- Ian Wright, paid pundit for the BBC, on his opinion of the other team
"Der-der, der-der-duh-duh-duh, der-der-duh-duh-duh-der-der-der, duh-duh, der-der-duh-der-der, der-der-duh-der-der-duh-der, ING-LUND"
- English National Anthem (second "rebellious Scots" verse removed)
"What are you, ****** German or something?"
- Obnoxious man with shirt off, every pub in the world
"**** it, it's only England"
- Jamie Carragher
History
England are the best and most important team to have ever played the game, as evidenced by the fact that England are shown far more often on the BBC than any other team.
Football began in England on the 9th Thermidor II, when Horatio Nelson slew Maximilian Robespierre at the battle of Wounded Knee. It is said that Nelson sat and cried salty tears, for he was 33, and there were no more worlds to conquer. Later, Eric Bristow would conquer the world at the age of 27.
Lo, Nelson ascended Mount Olympus, and cried out to Zeus upon his ivory throne, "Ahoy, me hearties! Man cannot live by grog and wenches alone, and we have slain the French and stolen their ability to smoke cigarettes without holding both lips to the cigarette! What now, noble lord?" And lo, again lo, did Nelson carry down from Mount Olympus two stone footballs, and on them were inscribed recipes for meat and potato pies and instructions on how to build urinals out of old pig troughs.
But the people had forgotten Nelson, because they didn't really like him to begin with, and they'd hoped he'd stop calling, and they'd started playing ridiculous sports, like cricket and all those ones they play in Ireland.
So Nelson wandered out into the wilderness, like in Judge Dredd, to bring football to the uncultured tribes and to create the first English football team, which he brought back and used to beat the treacherous Scots.
Later the English football team would do a Nazi salute, go out on penalties, cry, go out on penalties, kick Ricardo Carvalho in the testicles, go out on penalties, play Phil Neville and immediately lose, hire Steve McClaren, go out on penalties, and also sell a bunch of crisps to fat people.
They also won a World Cup in 1966, but that's very rarely mentioned in the mainstream media.
Possible Squad Members (Referred to from hereout as "Brave Lions")
Goalstoppers
James David
Portsmouth, 39, 49 caps since 1997
While not as key to popular discourse as his brother Craig, James is still a musical star in his own right, and has often being seen to drop it like it's hot, even when it isn't. He's also often requested a re-rewind.
He used to be called "Calamity James", but they don't do that any more. Although they probably should because it reminds me of Liverpool losing a whole lot. This effect can also be achieved by looking at a league table, with your eyes.
Rob Green
West Ham United, 30, 8 caps since 2005
Rob Green wears the tag of "England's Number Six" with pride, and can always be counted on when Kaka is through on goal. Specifically, you can count on him to be physically present, and almost certainly not to deliberately defecate.
Joe Hart
Birmingham City (loan), 22, 1 cap since 2008
May well take the third goalkeeping position due to not being physically in the process of making a mistake that leads to a goal, unlike all the other choices available. Failing that, Capello has the option to recall Richard Wright or to pick a very fat man and hope that he blocks a significant enough portion of the goal. This tactic has been surprisingly effective for Burnley so far.
Deep-Lying Forwards
Ashley Cole
Chelsea, 29, 77 caps since 2001 (left-back)
Ashley Cole's response to his agent, recounted in his autobiography, to being told Arsenal were planning to pay him not £60,000 a week but a mere £55,000 has already passed into legend. "He [Arsenal vice-chairman David Dein] is taking the ****, Jonathan!", Cole fumed in 'My Defence', recalling also that he almost swerved his car off the road in shock. "I was trembling with anger. I couldn't believe what I'd heard."
What a ****
Glen Johnson
Liverpool, 25, 20 caps since 2003 (right-back)
Crippled toilet-seat thief who enjoys a Bellamy-esque ability to command ever-higher transfer fees despite not being any less **** at any point. Is to Cafu what Kelly Osbourne is to Ozzy Osbourne.
John Terry (Captain)
Chelsea, 29, 58 caps since 2003, 6 goals (centre-back)
Useless, overrated hoof-the-ball merchant who enjoys shouting, saving money on haircuts and coming from a family of ridiculous cockney criminals.
Once ran forty yards to start a fight with an Argentinean burn victim over a throw-in, causing his star striker to be sent off, in turn causing him to have to take a penalty in the rain, fall over, and lose out on winning the Champions League, making him objectively worse than David May.
This is the funniest thing that has ever happened. Even funnier than Del Boy falling through the bar.
Rio Ferdinand
Manchester United, 31, 76 caps since 1997, 3 goals (centre-back)
Oft-confused box-of-rocks impersonator Rio Ferdinand is, to all intents and purposes, the star of a wonderful and heart-warming straight-to-DVD movie about overcoming the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome.
I often inform people that Rio Ferdinand has a great footballing intelligence, at which they start guffawing at the idea of an intelligent Rio Ferdinand and making "Microsoft Works" jokes. **** you guys.
Wayne Bridge
Manchester City, 29, 34 caps since 2002, 1 goal (left-back)
Last got a game in 1993. Possibly dead now.
Mid-Lying Forwards
Frank Lampard
Chelsea, 31, 76 caps since 1999, 20 goals (obnoxiously right-wing, attacking midfield)
Chubby, humourless private-schooler who once berated Alan "Jonathan Creek" Davies at an awards dinner for calling him fat and ****. Fat and ****. Mainly has a skill in thumping the ball at someone's arse and hoping that the ball goes in the net. Then points to the sky because that's where his mum lives. On a blimp, so she doesn't have to touch any proles.
Steven Gerrard
Liverpool, 29, 77 caps since 2000, 16 goals (central midfield, occasionally left or right-wing)
Inherently lucky Phil Collins-botherer, Stevie Gerrard probably pays more for his haircut than is justified by its performance. As one of Liverpool's three players who can go an entire game without beginning to rock back and forth or chew on their own wrists, it often falls to Gerrard to save the day for Liverpool by falling over and cheating spectacularly.
Davey Beckman
AC Milan, 34, 116 caps since 1996, 17 goals (right wing, possible central midfield)
A minor squad player, who's gone with surprisingly little mention from the mainstream media. Beckman started his career with Manchester United, where he won the European Cup, unlike any of the players who have ever played for Chelsea. Unfortunately, Beckman suffered a freak accident where he fell on a boot while naked and could no longer play football at a top level. As with all such United players, he was sold on to Real Madrid.
Beckman fell out of favour at Madrid, due to the arrival of flamboyantly fabulous Italian coach, Fabio Capello. He also fell out of favour for England because Steve McClaren wanted to impress fat stupid people in pubs. As such, Davey Beckman retired from football and disappeared from public view. However, a couple of years later, Steve McClaren would recall Beckman due to wanting to impress fat stupid people in pubs who were angry at McClaren for listening to the things they said. As such, he has fallen back in love with the game and now alternates his time between a part-time role with AC Milan and growing a beard like a gay trawlerman for no real reason.
Aaron Lennon
Tottenham Hotspur, 22, 15 caps since 2006 (right-wing)
Sometimes, in your life, you will require a football to be moved very fast from one place on the field from which you cannot threaten the goal to a completely different place on the pitch where you cannot threaten the goal, such as the corner flag, or the crowd.
This service is now provided by Aaron Lennon, for the small price of whatever the **** Spurs are paying him.
Owen Hargreaves
Manchester United, 29, 42 caps since 2001 (central midfield)
The world's third most important Canadian, after Bret Hart and the Star Wars Kid, Owen Hargreaves will not be going to the World Cup, because he does not have any knees. His inclusion here is purely nominal. However, later in his life Hargreaves will come to terms with his condition, and become a fisherman, before using the proceeds to buy both him and Forrest shares in "some kind of fruit company".
Hargreaves became famous in England due to his inclusion in Sven Goran Eriksson's squads despite neither being English or playing football in any league that anybody could find any trace of. Later he'd sign for Manchester United and, as such, gain an automatic place in the England squad.
Hargreaves has a Champions League Winner's Medal. John Terry, again, does not.
James Milner
Aston Villa, 24, 6 caps since 2009 (central midfield)
Literally nothing is known about James Milner, as he has never played for Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool or Chelsea. Maybe he's nice. I have been reliably informed that he's a semi-competent footballer, which rules out it being an alias or "street name" of Bobby Zamora. Or a woman.
Lying Forwards
Wayne Rooney
Manchester United, 24, 57 caps since 2003, 25 goals
Angry Scouse granny-shagger who serves to make me feel better about my hairline and worse about my career development. Rooney broke onto the scene aged just 16 as a player who was both English and not completely and utterly devoid of talent or technical skill. He later abandoned boyhood club Everton for Manchester United, after realising that they were ****.
Can be seen during any game of the World Cup shouting, running off on his own or kicking the referee in the face at regular intervals. This is "part of his game" because he is "committed" and has "bulldog spirit".
Peter Crouch
Tottenham Hotspur, 28, 35 caps since 2005, 18 goals
A ridiculous human photoshop, Peter Crouch is a rubbish player who isn't particularly good at anything and has passed almost yearly between rubbish teams that nobody would really want to play for. On the other hand, he is quite tall and funny-looking and that's very important in some vague and nebulous way. He is also catnip for deformed Jewish girls.
Michael Owen
Manchester United, 30, 89 caps since 1998, 40 goals
Like a vintage wine, Michael Owen spends a significant period of time on the shelf not doing much. However, he is entitled to go to the World Cup, because he scored a good goal in 1998 and also because he plays for Manchester United and if it works for Wes Brown, it can work for anybody.
Carlton Cole
West Ham United, 26, 6 caps since 2009
An impressively black man, Carlton Cole has been in a running competition with Sunderland's Darren Bent over being the best one-dimensional-and-completely-shown-up-at-a-higher-level striker in England. May seek to improve his World Cup chances by getting regular time on the bench at a top four club.
Likely Scapegoats For England's Quarter-Final Exit
2/1 - The Manager
3/1 - The Referee
4/1 - Wayne Rooney
5/1 - Cristiano Ronaldo
6/1 - David Beckham Playing
8/1 - David Beckham Not Playing
10/1 - Airhorns
11/1 - Thierry "A Big Cheat" Henry
12/1 - Sepp Blatter
13/1 - Foreigners In The EPL
15/1 - Racism Against Nice White Folk
18/1 - It Being Too Hot
18/1 - It Being Too Cold
20/1 - John Motson's Poor Understanding Of The Updated Offside Rule
30/1 - Inappropriate Provision Of Facilities
100/1 - Local Wildlife Attacks
200/1 - Victoria Beckham Being Raped And Murdered
250/1 - Victoria Beckham Being Raped And Murdered For A Rio Ferdinand TV Show
1,000,000/1 - Unreasonable Expectations And Lack Of Support When Not Winning 4-0
Things That Will Be Shown On BBC Scotland During England Games
- Repeats Of Diagnosis Murder
- Countryfile, With Signage For The Deaf
- A Dougie Donnelly Quiz Show About Hills
- A Documentary About Different Kinds Of Tartan
Genius
