What to do with a giant pumpkin?

[Scuzi]

I have a pair of rather sizeable pumpkins (ho ho) and I don’t know what to do with them. I have preempted the inevitable “shove it up your arse” suggestion but I can confirm that there isn’t enough lubrication in the world to make that happen.

Builders bucket for scale. I haven’t yet weighed them but I’d estimate around 50Kg for the bigger one and 35Kg for the smaller one. I’ll weight them later.

They’re not edible and they will rot before Halloween. I originally planned to carve them but the vine gave up early so here we are.

I thought I could perform a random act of kindness and leave them on someone’s doorstep, but given the dimensions it would be too cumbersome to do incognito.

I also considered blowing them up, but I don’t have access to explosives or sufficiently sized private property to contain the fallout.

Suggestions?

 

[Scuzi]

Use it as a catheter balloon.

Somewhat on topic but I just heard about human decanting of wine at fancy parties. They drain the waiter’s bladder, refill it with wine, and have the waiters walk around and decant it directly into the glass. Your idea would enable exceptional capacity.

Cut hole and have your way with it.

It’s a bit cold. If only I could microwave it for 30s beforehand.

That's incredible, I'm just intrigued how you manage to grow them that size, let's have some details please.

Good lineage is important. Buying seeds from previous big pumpkin record holders helps. Otherwise it’s just regular feeding and watering on a daily basis, and keeping them in shade so they don’t harden off before they’ve reached their size potential.

Wait a month and carve a silly face into it?

I expect these pumpkins will be puddles in a month.

What the hell is that


Looks like its spent about 1 year growing in the Chernobyl exclusion zone


its massive

Why thank you. My pumpkins aren’t bad either.

Why were you growing them if you have no use for them ?

Make some pumpkin pie

I need some way to assert my masculine superiority and dominance over the other middle aged men in the area. Also because I thought it would be fun. I grew two 7 years ago which were bigger than both of my children together at the time and that was enjoyable. Those lasted until Halloween and they made epic carving canvasses.

Build a giant pumpkin cannon and deliver them to your neighbors at high speed.

Perhaps a wheelie bin would work as a cannon?

Normal pumpkins, winter squashes etc dont why should this one? Properly harvested and stored they should last well into next year.

You’re right, they should. However the vine deteriorated quite quickly and I suspect the ick has made its way into the pumpkins. I might just leave them out and take a chance though.

Why would it rot before Halloween? Have you cut them off the plant they were growing on?

I've got a couple growing in the vegetable plot that are awaiting Halloween.

I’ve had to cut them off the vine early as it became diseased.

 

[Scuzi]

Weighed them. 55Kg and 40Kg. Not bad. My record is about 90Kg though.

I also trimmed the diseased vine from the stems as much as possible. A bit of bleach on them might hold off the rot until Halloween. Assuming they hold up until then, what should I carve them as?

Goatse?

 

[Scuzi]

Set up a 24/7 live "rot cam" on Twitch and rake in ad revenue. Take/log guesses from the audience on how many days it will stay up until it decays to a certain arbitrary level that you'll use your discretion to decide on later. Arrange small but thoughtfully amusing prizes for the closest handful. Have fun with it, moving household objects and/or toys/figurines around the scene. Start out fun, but end up creating a plot of unlikely depth. Allow it to take up a larger amount of your time, until your family jokingly refer to you as the pumpkin man. Become utterly obsessed with the somehow wildly snowballing amount of attention and lose the ability to care about anything but maximizing what can surely only be a short period in the limelight. Deteriorate in to complete panic at the first sign of decomposition, and in your terrified, anxiety ridden state, make the rash decision to end it now, escaping with the pumpkin while you still can.

Ahh yes, I see that you know your judo well. That’s beautiful.

 

[Scuzi]

What did you do, my aviation buddy?

I put them both by the front door. A footpath runs right past it so it brought much amusement to the local children for a couple of weeks. They now call me the pumpkin man. However the biggest one started to rot and became manky very quickly. I got back from a business trip to find the bottom half of it in puddle form, so I had to scoop it up into the bin.

The smaller of the two is still going strong.