When you have everything but ....

Unisol Magic

Unisol Magic

Unisol Magic

Associate
Joined
24 Nov 2013
Posts
475
.... you’re still not happy.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’m 48 years old, very healthy/fit, have a beautiful wife, own a glorious penthouse apartment, have 2 wonderful dogs, drive a Nissan GTR but I’m not happy.

I come from a northern hard working family. Family business very successful etc until things went **** up when we lost our beautiful mum to a brain tumour 3 years ago. Very difficult time trust me. In the meantime we discover my father has been having an affair with my mums best friend whilst she was ill. Adding to this, my father had been skimming off the business which eventually caused it to fail. Myself nor my brothers have even seen him since my mums death. We’re fine with that to be honest.

So ... 5 years ago I decided to set up a new business in the same industry which, through VERY hard work and long hours, is doing incredibly well. So much so that my wife has been able to quit work, we’ve travelled and partied the world over and have some great friends. We’re not ‘rich’ but I suppose pretty comfortable.

But .... I’m STILL not happy. I appreciate all the fantastic things I/we have in life but something isn’t right. I feel lonely, I feel my staff resent me despite being a great boss who help them all (loan them money, listen to their problems etc ... the list goes on). I have 22 staff and feel like it’s me vs them, even senior management. Its odd because I’ve always emphasised to them that although I’m the ‘boss’, we are a ‘team’ and all do what we’re good at. No matter what positive message I try and put across, I’m still the enemy. Maybe it’s jealousy I don’t know? I even park my car around the corner so I’m not pushing things like that in their face. It’s draining the life out of me and feel like I’m at breaking point.

Mainly due to my business problems, I’ve acknowledged lately that I’m trying to replace my sadness with material things (the car etc) and it’s not working. Heck, I even spent £5k on a new gaming PC a couple of years ago that I dont even have the mental energy or time to enjoy. It’s ridiculous! I only really feel truly happy when I/we are walking our dogs in the countryside and basically doing things that cost nothing!

My wife has listened to me but I’m starting to feel like I’m depressing her as I just can’t seem break my current mood. She’d support me no matter what while ever we are on this earth but I don’t want to keep burdening her, especially as she’s always known a different me, a person who has always been positive, driven and focussed.

I’ve never felt suicidal and don’t even consider myself ‘depressed’ but I really feel like I need a fresh start but it just seems so daunting and haven’t a clue where to begin. Ideally, I’d like to take my skills abroad and us start a new life but it comes at such a massive risk given how successful my business has become. It could be the worst mistake I’d ever make.

I know many will suggest that I’m wanting to run away from my problems instead of addressing them, but I really have considered many options without coming up with a solution.

Having been a member of this forum for a while, I’ve often considered it quite a caring and mature community so thought worth asking if anyone else have ever been in a similar situation and can offer any advice.

Thanks
 
I've always found that I get 'depressed' when I don't have a long term goal in life. If I just rumble along through life, however successful, with no plan and no means to achieve that plan, then I am unhappy. Perhaps this could be the issue? You're very successful but are now in a rut because your life is stressful with no sign of change in the future.

If that's the case then could your business financially sustain a general manager to run it day-to-day? This would free your time to either start a new business or spend more time traveling (for example). Getting more free time would give you options in life to set new plans and go and achieve them.

Coming back to your business for a minute why do you feel it's them vs you? Are you driving them too hard and feel guilty about it? Or do you feel that way simply because you have been successful and have the trappings of success? If it's the latter then the way to present it to them is not that you're successful and they aren't, but if they come with you on that journey then they can be successful too.

Maybe a solution to both of the above questions is to restructure the team in such a way that a couple of them run different parts of your business. This frees your time and also gives them the opportunity for promotion and to see the benefits of coming on that journey with you.
 
ah, yes, being a manager.....that's normal. No matter what you do, you'll always be the enemy at some point. Just try and ignore it.

Don't waste energy worrying about things you can do nothing about. The things you can though, do! You only live once.
 
There is always going to be a gap between you and the staff, you have to keep it at the business level. Anything else just leads to cliques and some being accused of being teacher's pet. Do you network at all with other business owners ? Being able to talk these issues through with those in the same boat can help.

The other thought jumping immediately to my mind is you don't mention children. Is that a gap in your life that is being felt, whether consciously or not ?
 
Seems like you may have fallen victim to the rat race of financial success, perhaps you might want to consder maybe slowing down a bit and accepting a bit of a financial hit in order to have more time to enjoy life, a working retirement if you will.

Money and posessions are worthless if you dont have the time and energy to enjoy them.

You might also want to spend a bit of time looking after your mind, i'm not going to suggest going full bhudda but a bit of mindfullness wont hurt.
 
peterwalkley said:
There is always going to be a gap between you and the staff, you have to keep it at the business level. Anything else just leads to cliques and some being accused of being teacher's pet. Do you network at all with other business owners ? Being able to talk these issues through with those in the same boat can help.

The other thought jumping immediately to my mind is you don't mention children. Is that a gap in your life that is being felt, whether consciously or not ?
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Good points. The children issue occurred to me too, along with possibly networking with other business owners.
 
Hades said:
I've always found that I get 'depressed' when I don't have a long term goal in life. If I just rumble along through life, however successful, with no plan and no means to achieve that plan, then I am unhappy. Perhaps this could be the issue? You're very successful but are now in a rut because your life is stressful with no sign of change in the future.

If that's the case then could your business financially sustain a general manager to run it day-to-day? This would free your time to either start a new business or spend more time traveling (for example). Getting more free time would give you options in life to set new plans and go and achieve them.

Coming back to your business for a minute why do you feel it's them vs you? Are you driving them too hard and feel guilty about it? Or do you feel that way simply because you have been successful and have the trappings of success? If it's the latter then the way to present it to them is not that you're successful and they aren't, but if they come with you on that journey then they can be successful too.

Maybe a solution to both of the above questions is to restructure the team in such a way that a couple of them run different parts of your business. This frees your time and also gives them the opportunity for promotion and to see the benefits of coming on that journey with you.
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Thanks for the reply.

I do have a general manager but have lately felt that’s he’s taking advantage to a degree although I have recently received interest from a contracts manager who’s previous employer has just gone bankrupt so maybe worth speaking to him and see what skills he has to offer. It may give my current a kick up the arse.

And no, I don’t drive my staff too hard at all, quite the opposite actually. And I’ve always shy’d away from my success, never pushed it front of them and tried my best to motivate them by saying things like “the more successful and profitable we are, the more there is to share out”. I often give the, bonuses and occasionally get a few beers in for them all at the end of a random week. The few that have left, all have wanted to return a week or so later. There really isn’t anything more I can do for them but god knows what they’d do without me, lending them money, equipment etc. If anything I’ve probably become too nice and they’ve lost some leadership respect? I acknowledge that.

I definitely need a book keeper and to look at my management structure to help free up some time to look at my long term strategy.

And probably true in that I’ve set myself lots of life goals and have achieved most of them. Something I’ll put some thought into.

Many thanks it’s much appreciated.
 
Hades said:
Good points. The children issue occurred to me too, along with possibly networking with other business owners.
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Indeed good point. I meant to add that we don’t have kids. We partied quite hard through our 20’s/30’s and missed the boat with that, but we’re both totally happy with it. Despite that, I’m sure we’d make very good parents. Maybe subconsciously it’s something we’re missing in our lives but I think we’re perfectly ok in that regard. We have several nieces/nephews so do get plenty of opportunities to enjoy their company.
 
It is a very common story sadly, one I can relate to on many levels. Health is vital, last 12 months have shown me that more than ever and keep that as long as you can and friends (real ones, the ones you have know for decades, you grew up with and still see, not the ones you know from social engagements or internets in the main) and family are vital to healthy life too.

Things mean nothing once you have them, be they nice houses, nice holidays, nice watches, nice cars, high end hifi, computers..etc. I have found myself thinking "I've got X in the bank this month, what can I buy" and have gone out and 'blown' occasionally 10's of thousands, often several thousand on stuff I buy, unbox, do stuff with and then sits on a shelf, in a cupboard or garage and really doesn't give me any satisfaction.

People more often than not will let you down, no matter what you do or do for them, they will let you down often especially in a work environment. You can't be that close to people you employ, in my life it has never ever worked, not until I have left or they have left. Employing people is one of the biggest pains in the world, be it you own business or someone else's.

My advice is if you can bin the business and find something you can do without 22 people.
 
Try volunteering in one of local charities or animal shelters? As others said having a goal should help, maybe get a new hobby that would require you to learn new things.
 
MooMoo444 said:
It is your material possessions that are sapping your well being. Allow me to take some of them off your hands :)
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Well never say never.

It’s amazing really. I paid £55k for my car and £150 for (my) dog and I’d give my car away without Hesitation if I had to choose between them.

Housey said:
My advice is if you can bin the business and find something you can do without 22 people.
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That’s exactly how I feel right now and despite the consequences I’m sure I’d feel much, much happier.

I know others that have done it and they look 20 years younger!

bayo000 said:
Try volunteering in one of local charities or animal shelters? As others said having a goal should help, maybe get a new hobby that would require you to learn new things.
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It’s funny you say that because I’d love nothing more than to help animals. I’ve always said If I won the lottery (which I don’t do!) I’d spent the lot building as many animal sanctuaries as I could. It dawned on me a long time ago how we are destroying our planet and fellow animals (we are animals too) through our greed and selfishness.

Our society is really screwed up isn’t it and it’s only going to get worse for our future generations. I was only saying to me wife today how, as kids, we were always out exploring places, making our own games/toys without needing any money. Nowadays expensive, material things are thrown at kids like it’s perfetcly normal. Heck they can’t even chat to each other if its not through snapchat or Instagram. God help them in years to come. My issues will seem like nothing.
 
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lol ..you have got everything you wanted and still complain ..
so
a) give it all up and start again ..
b) grow a pair and manage what your doing ..time energy
c)except what and where you are and how you got there and rejoice.

staff wise .. they will always try to take a yard when you give them an inch .
so don't give them the inch ..
oh by the way I'm staff I work hard but always take the **** when I can ..
 
flea.rider said:
lol ..you have got everything you wanted and still complain ..
so
a) give it all up and start again ..
b) grow a pair and manage what your doing ..time energy
c)except what and where you are and how you got there and rejoice.

staff wise .. they will always try to take a yard when you give them an inch .
so don't give them the inch ..
oh by the way I'm staff I work hard but always take the **** when I can ..
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Incorrect. I’m not ‘complaining’. I really appreciate what I have and have achieved but also acknowledge it’s not the true measure of happiness.
 
Unisol Magic said:
That’s exactly how I feel right now and despite the consequences I’m sure I’d feel much, much happier.

I know others that have done it and they look 20 years younger!
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As I have got older I have realised that work and possessions are unimportant. Friends, family, health and purpose are. I had a major health scare in 2011 which changed my attitude entirely. Also look at the former owner of OcUK. He died young although he did at least get to enjoy the last part ofd his life. What I'm trying to say is that we get one shot at life and if you're not happy then change something.

To quote Steve Jobbs:

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
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And finally this is one of my favourite songs. It's about giving up your current life to move forward and find happiness. In fact it was used in the final scene of one of my favourite series (Halt and Catch Fire - superb if you have any recollection of the early PC days). One of the main characters realised just that and changed his life by shedding everything and starting again.

 
Hades said:
As I have got older I have realised that work and possessions are unimportant. Friends, family, health and purpose are. I had a major health scare in 2011 which changed my attitude entirely. Also look at the former owner of OcUK. He died young although he did at least get to enjoy the last part ofd his life. What I'm trying to say is that we get one shot at life and if you're not happy then change something.

To quote Steve Jobbs:




And finally this is one of my favourite songs. It's about giving up your current life to move forward and find happiness. In fact it was used in the final scene of one of my favourite series (Halt and Catch Fire - superb if you have any recollection of the early PC days). One of the main characters realised just that and changed his life by shedding everything and starting again.

Click to expand...

Good post.

Ironically I’m always saying to people “you only get one life” but fail to act upon it myself. And yes, I’ve read the Steve Jobbs quote a few times. Wise words that always resonated.

I suppose I’m also guilty of not wanting to let the business go as I’d be letting others down. Not only staff but loyal customers, most of whom helped me set back up 5 years ago.

It’s a really scary thought and needs to be well thought out. I do have my own specific skills that I could freelance to my customers which could be a good option and would keep the connection should I wish to continue on a smaller scale.
 
Unisol Magic said:
Good post.

Ironically I’m always saying to people “you only get one life” but fail to act upon it myself.

I suppose I’m also guilty of not wanting to let the business go as I’d be letting others down. Not only staff but loyal customers, most of whom helped me set back up 5 years ago.

It’s a really scary thought and needs to be well thought out. I do have my own specific skills that I could freelance to my customers which could be a good option and would keep the connection should I wish to continue on a smaller scale.
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You don't need to let the business go. That is certainly one option. But if you can structure it so that the business mostly runs with minimal input from your self then you can keep the business and change your life. Sure it will make a bit less money but you'll still have the business and your freedom.
 
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