Working away with a Young Family

a1ex2001 · 3 May 2016 at 11:04

I've been offered a role at work that I really like the sound of and in the medium term gives me much better prospects BUT it involves being away from home 2-3 nights most weeks which a big change from my current role where I am 99% home based.

We currently have one son who is 18 months old and hope to have another child at some point in the next year or two. I would be really interested to hear how others in this position have found it particularly when a new baby has arrived? How do you find being away, any problems at home etc?

NexusK · 3 May 2016 at 12:37

I remember not seeing my old man for a week out of every three growing up because of shift work. I suppose not all kids are the same but it didn't bother us, it was just how the world (or our little slice of it) worked as far as we were concerned.

Sone · 6 May 2016 at 20:19

I used to work away most weeks, fine when single but I have seen many blokes marriages fail.

Royal Fleet · 6 May 2016 at 21:17

2-3 nights a week is probably doable if you are in agreement it is the right thing for your career and your partner supports your decision. You need to make sure you are at home though the nights you are home and overcompensate on doing your turn on the chores.

BigT · 9 May 2016 at 10:33

My brother does has this situation with his one year old and my father was away one in three weeks when I was young.

Your kids will be fine with 2-3 nights away I would think and the more important thing is: Are those that support your family comfortable with this. It will be hardest on your partner if they are the primary carer so be sure they will be OK. With my brother its fine as his wife is a strong and confident young woman and has loads of family and friends for support.

He finds technology helps. Skype etc. ease those two or three nights away.

The one thing I would urge consideration, if its appropriate, is will you be commuting and not working from home for the other couple of days? If so then how much do you currently rely on the flexibility of working from home? Guys at work who are mainly home based rely on the ability to do the school run, pick up the kids, get the shopping in over lunch, mow the lawn on a Summer's night as soon as they down tools etc. If you enjoy that sort of flexibility being home based and it's going to stop then think carefully.

AHarvey · 10 May 2016 at 03:02

I used to work shifts so I could start at 3pm and work until 1am meaning I wouldn't see my wife in the evenings, but I would spend some 1 on 1 time with my daughter. Plus it was 4 on 4 off so lots of time at home.

The shift times were a great help I feel especially when my daughter was younger.

She is now 4 and my son is 14 months, I've not done shift work since he was born and have mainly done office hours. I actually miss the shifts. I miss the 1 on 1 time with them but my wife likes having me at home more when she is here.

It's swings and roundabouts. Yes, it can be a positive. Yes, it can also ruin things.

This is a conversation you need to have with your partner. Can you make it work? are they ok with it? can they manage while you are away? how will you make that time up? What if it doesn't work out at home but you love the job? Will you give it up? move the family to the job or choose that over family?

My boss spent the last 20 years working 70+ hour weeks, he talks about his family life then and you can see him well up. Family comes first, if you can do it without losing out on family time then go for it.

Gilly · 10 May 2016 at 09:26

It really depends very much on your personal situation. What sort of support network do the two of you have around you? How capable do you think your gert is in managing without you entirely when you've had the luxury of being there a lot up to now?

It's very difficult. I'm currently stationed away from home on a 400+ mile round trip journey every week. This is coming from a situation where I was able to manage my own time entirely, so whilst I had a lot of travel I could balance it out and could WFH or locally to me whenever the situation demanded. Even that is becoming difficult to handle. There's also the possibility that things might change down the line, I had an agreement with my hiring manager that full weeks away was not going to happen, absolute non-negotiable and he was OK with that. The account I've been placed with take a different view and my hiring manager is moving on so you need to work out the boundaries, what you're willing to give up and what you are not, and set out the expectation early.

It can work. It doesn't always fail. If you and your partner aren't honest with yourselves right now though, it can and will cause problems in the future.

The advent of Facetime and so on has made a real difference though. I can speak to them whenever and wherever, and can see my boy before he goes to sleep and he can see me, etc. One last thing I would say too, is don't let any arguments between you and your partner get in the way of that.

HangTime · 10 May 2016 at 11:05

I don't 'work away' in the sense of regularly staying away overnight (perhaps 1-2 nights a month) but have a long commute for past 18 months so typically only see my son for an hour in the morning and he'll be in bed when I get home.

As mentioned modern technology helps with video calls etc which I usually do in the morning if I'm staying away. I also had WFH a day a week as a prerequisite for accepting the position.

With a new baby however I would give it some serious thought. To be honest if you are thinking of having another child I wouldn't go down this route unless your partner is fully on board. 99% home based means currently you can give massive support to your partner before and after work compared to being away for days on end leaving her holding the fort not only having to be up half the night with a new born but also having a toddler to manage. As you say this would be a big change from current and probably be a much tougher period for your partner than the last time around.

If I was in your shoes to make the type of switch you are talking about there would need to be a massive carrot driving the decision, not only in terms of prospects but also immediate remuneration i.e. making it worth your while such that you could fund a bigger house, childcare etc - at least double current take home salary with OTE much higher. Of course it depends on how well off you feel at the moment, if you are massively hard up then probably makes the new position more attractive as the extra income could make a material difference to help offset the impact on family. If you are comfortable at the moment then ask yourself how great those new silk pyjamas will feel sat in a hotel room with someone crying down the phone to you compared to being in a position to help them in person.

^the above sounds a bit 'guilt-trippy' but it doesn't have to be that way, just figure it is best you consider how things could pan out before making a decision.

Is delaying the second baby an option?