G'day GD'ers,
Apologies for the rambling about to follow but I'm looking for opinions and GD (bizarrely) gets it spot on most of the time
So here goes.
10 months ago i met my girlfriend, and we hit it straight off on the first date. After a month she was spending pretty much every night round my flat, and we were inseparable and it was amazing.
I had a knee operation 3-4 months in so couldnt do "anything" (follow the drift..) for about a month after, so the sex life took a nose dive then and it never really recovered. In May our landlord said he wanted the flat back and we had to find somewhere else, so i found a flat and said to my girlfriend she can move in if she liked - which she did. Now I earn quite a high wage (especially for a 24/25 year old), so I pay for the full rent, council tax, bills etc as she is a mature student at university. I dont mind this at all, it doesnt bother me as i explained to her on numerous times I'll be paying it regardless if she was there or not so shes not mooching off me.
For 2-3 months over the summer I had my brother move in with me during university as my parents are in Australia and i have to look after him as hes my blood, so he had his own room etc and granted its not the best, but needs must.
He moved out in September, and since then things have taken a bit of a nose dive. My missus has started her 2nd year at university, and she has been super stressed with assignments. I have tried my best to help her, to read through things, do all the cooking/washing up etc so she can get them out the way in the hopes she'll be "happier" and back to what she was before.
Its gotten to the beginning of December now, and things are still no good. We've had a few "flash points" here and there, basically because I am quite unhappy with the way things are. Im quite full on in a relationship; I had a long distance one seeing my ex 2 weekends a month and i hated it, so i like the situation at the minute - but it just feels like we are 2 individuals operating in the same flat. If i didnt make the effort to go kiss her, or give her a hug, we'd literally have no contact at all and it just shouldnt be like this.
So yesterday (the crux of the matter), she asked me to move her Windows 7 machine onto a bigger disk, so i went to do it when she was out and noticed that Facebook was logged on and there was a message box up with one of her male friends (not threatened by him, hes miles away, long term bird etc), but she was talking about how we never have sex any more, and how she has been texting this friend of hers and hes gorgeous etc. So naturally i flipped out, and confronted her and said my piece.
I basically said i've been trying to be super helpful, and help you through it so in January we can be "how we were", but all this extra stuff is just too much for me. She went on saying that she hated living here, as she feels like shes not contributing - and complained about me basically looking after her, buying everything etc saying "Im not a pet, i dont want to be a kept woman, i want to contribute equally - but i cant do the washing up etc as im too busy with uni so i feel like im not doing anything and your doing it all". Now first, i find it nuts that a girl could be complaining about being taken care of "too much". Its like woah, there goes my chivalrous ideas.
So she wants to move back home, and go back to seeing me 3-4 times a week when shes done her uni stuff so she can focus on me and so shes not around me all the time "being suffocated".
To me, this is a phased pull-out / break up, and i just dont see where the logic comes from. She says she loves me, but then all this happens I dont know what to make of it. When we got together, we were thick as thieves, now it appears we have grown apart. My family live in Australia and she said she'd love to go over for a few years, but now that idea is "definitely off the table". She also said to me:
"University comes first, our relationship/you are the least of my priorities at the minute"
"If i get a job anywhere in the UK after uni, I have to take it, regardless if your coming or not".
Now im just sat here thinking, why am I bothering? Im tempted to sell what furniture i have, cancel my tenancy (its up now anyway), hand in my notice and just go to the other side of the world - live with the parents and start a fresh life in Australia far away from this mess.
I guess my question is, what would you do if you were me? I thought i was being a good boyfriend/partner in providing for her, protecting her and doing my best to make her life amazing, but apparently that is "smothering" and OTT. So i should say "Stuff it, you can buy your own flaming drinks" to a woman next time?
And am I right in thinking her moving out, is just a womans way of finishing with me slowly and "for my feelings"? Or is it a legitimate tactic for trying to make it work?
Thanks, and no tl;dr's please
Sam
Apologies for the rambling about to follow but I'm looking for opinions and GD (bizarrely) gets it spot on most of the time
So here goes.10 months ago i met my girlfriend, and we hit it straight off on the first date. After a month she was spending pretty much every night round my flat, and we were inseparable and it was amazing.
I had a knee operation 3-4 months in so couldnt do "anything" (follow the drift..) for about a month after, so the sex life took a nose dive then and it never really recovered. In May our landlord said he wanted the flat back and we had to find somewhere else, so i found a flat and said to my girlfriend she can move in if she liked - which she did. Now I earn quite a high wage (especially for a 24/25 year old), so I pay for the full rent, council tax, bills etc as she is a mature student at university. I dont mind this at all, it doesnt bother me as i explained to her on numerous times I'll be paying it regardless if she was there or not so shes not mooching off me.
For 2-3 months over the summer I had my brother move in with me during university as my parents are in Australia and i have to look after him as hes my blood, so he had his own room etc and granted its not the best, but needs must.
He moved out in September, and since then things have taken a bit of a nose dive. My missus has started her 2nd year at university, and she has been super stressed with assignments. I have tried my best to help her, to read through things, do all the cooking/washing up etc so she can get them out the way in the hopes she'll be "happier" and back to what she was before.
Its gotten to the beginning of December now, and things are still no good. We've had a few "flash points" here and there, basically because I am quite unhappy with the way things are. Im quite full on in a relationship; I had a long distance one seeing my ex 2 weekends a month and i hated it, so i like the situation at the minute - but it just feels like we are 2 individuals operating in the same flat. If i didnt make the effort to go kiss her, or give her a hug, we'd literally have no contact at all and it just shouldnt be like this.
So yesterday (the crux of the matter), she asked me to move her Windows 7 machine onto a bigger disk, so i went to do it when she was out and noticed that Facebook was logged on and there was a message box up with one of her male friends (not threatened by him, hes miles away, long term bird etc), but she was talking about how we never have sex any more, and how she has been texting this friend of hers and hes gorgeous etc. So naturally i flipped out, and confronted her and said my piece.
I basically said i've been trying to be super helpful, and help you through it so in January we can be "how we were", but all this extra stuff is just too much for me. She went on saying that she hated living here, as she feels like shes not contributing - and complained about me basically looking after her, buying everything etc saying "Im not a pet, i dont want to be a kept woman, i want to contribute equally - but i cant do the washing up etc as im too busy with uni so i feel like im not doing anything and your doing it all". Now first, i find it nuts that a girl could be complaining about being taken care of "too much". Its like woah, there goes my chivalrous ideas.
So she wants to move back home, and go back to seeing me 3-4 times a week when shes done her uni stuff so she can focus on me and so shes not around me all the time "being suffocated".
To me, this is a phased pull-out / break up, and i just dont see where the logic comes from. She says she loves me, but then all this happens I dont know what to make of it. When we got together, we were thick as thieves, now it appears we have grown apart. My family live in Australia and she said she'd love to go over for a few years, but now that idea is "definitely off the table". She also said to me:
"University comes first, our relationship/you are the least of my priorities at the minute"
"If i get a job anywhere in the UK after uni, I have to take it, regardless if your coming or not".
Now im just sat here thinking, why am I bothering? Im tempted to sell what furniture i have, cancel my tenancy (its up now anyway), hand in my notice and just go to the other side of the world - live with the parents and start a fresh life in Australia far away from this mess.
I guess my question is, what would you do if you were me? I thought i was being a good boyfriend/partner in providing for her, protecting her and doing my best to make her life amazing, but apparently that is "smothering" and OTT. So i should say "Stuff it, you can buy your own flaming drinks" to a woman next time?
And am I right in thinking her moving out, is just a womans way of finishing with me slowly and "for my feelings"? Or is it a legitimate tactic for trying to make it work?
Thanks, and no tl;dr's please
Sam