Friday afternoon Joke
- Thread starter wordy
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Associate
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- 1,486
A duck walks into a pub and says, "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman. "This is a pub, we don't sell bread."
The following day the duck returns. "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman again "This is a PUB, we don't sell bread."
The following day the duck returns again. "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman again. "This is a PUB, we don't sell bread. Get lost!"
This goes on for a few more days and the barman gets increasingly angry with the duck. On the 6th day he loses his temper completely and screams, "IF YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR ******* BEAK TO THE BAR!"
The folowing day the duck returns. "Got any nails?"
"NO!" shouts the barman.
So the duck says, "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman. "This is a pub, we don't sell bread."
The following day the duck returns. "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman again "This is a PUB, we don't sell bread."
The following day the duck returns again. "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman again. "This is a PUB, we don't sell bread. Get lost!"
This goes on for a few more days and the barman gets increasingly angry with the duck. On the 6th day he loses his temper completely and screams, "IF YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR ******* BEAK TO THE BAR!"
The folowing day the duck returns. "Got any nails?"
"NO!" shouts the barman.
So the duck says, "Got any bread?"
Associate
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I never denied that those were bad ideas also. I mentioned the first reason which I thought of after reading the joke (and thus it is the last thing I read [or last major thing]).
Angus Higgins
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
"Mixin'-me-toasties"
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
"Mixin'-me-toasties"
Last edited:
fantastic
I'm sure that may be funny, but I can't even read it... you're copy and paste skills must be terrible mate
Me no get.
So, there’s an old priest and a young priest
The old priest is going on vacation all week and asks the young priest to fill in for him on Sunday to do confession.
Well, the young priest says, but I’ve never done confession before. What do I do?
The old priest says, don’t worry. There’s a chart to go by inside the booth.
So, come Sunday the young priest is a little nervous.
The first person comes in and says, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I’m jealous of my neighbor’s new car.
He looks at the chart, finds envy, and says, Say 3 hail Mary’s. Go with God.
The next person comes in and says, Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I cursed my mother out.
Again he looks at the chart and says, Say 4 hail Mary’s and 2 Our Father’s. Go with God. Now he’s a little more confident in his abilities.
The third person comes in and says, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I gave my boss a blow job.
He looks and looks, but can’t find blow job on the chart.
Finally, he sticks his head out of the curtain and summons one of the altar boys over to him.
Altar boy! What does Father give for a blow job?
Two snickers and a coke!
The old priest is going on vacation all week and asks the young priest to fill in for him on Sunday to do confession.
Well, the young priest says, but I’ve never done confession before. What do I do?
The old priest says, don’t worry. There’s a chart to go by inside the booth.
So, come Sunday the young priest is a little nervous.
The first person comes in and says, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I’m jealous of my neighbor’s new car.
He looks at the chart, finds envy, and says, Say 3 hail Mary’s. Go with God.
The next person comes in and says, Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I cursed my mother out.
Again he looks at the chart and says, Say 4 hail Mary’s and 2 Our Father’s. Go with God. Now he’s a little more confident in his abilities.
The third person comes in and says, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I gave my boss a blow job.
He looks and looks, but can’t find blow job on the chart.
Finally, he sticks his head out of the curtain and summons one of the altar boys over to him.
Altar boy! What does Father give for a blow job?
Two snickers and a coke!
Myxomatosis was a disease that wiped out countless Rabbits in Australia and GB after being purposefully introduced to stem a massive population increase.
The Rabbit has been eating a ham & cheese toastie for his meal every night. Tries another one (hence the "mixing" part {clever I know!}) and so dies because he's mixed his toasties.
I remember my half brother telling me that years ago! A good one though!
Just read it (after almost dying whilst trying to read it)... quite good
Myxomatosis... disease that kills rabbits
A man made disease, introduced to stop the ever growing population of fluffy bunnies, and being the fantastic people we humans tend to be... we got it wrong and its got a bit out of control.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis
Soldato
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This joke got me banned for a week... I missed out the stars by accident. And I wasn't quick enough with my ninja edit
Soldato
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Is this as simple as it sounds?
