Friday joke

I heard this joke yesterday. :D

A man walks into a bar and has a chat with the bartender. "Hey mate, how's business?" "Oh, it's fine. How are you?" The man says, "Well... my neighbour is really annoying me with her singing. I've got to do something about it!" The bartender replies, "Hmmm... I know a man who can sort that out for you. Come back tomorrow and I'll introduce you to him."

The man walks in the next day and the bartender sees him. "Hey mate, meet Arty. [pointing to the man] Arty, this is the man who has the problem." Arty says, "Hello. I hear you have a problem with your neighbour. I'll sort it out for you." The man replies, "That would be great! How much is it going to cost me?" Arty says, "I'll do it for a pound." "A pound?!?" the man replies. "Yeah. Where can I find this neighbour?" "Oh, she works at Sainsbury's. She sits in the far right corner of the cafeteria every day at 1pm." "Great, ok." Arty says.

The day after, Arty walks to Sainbury's and goes to the cafeteria. He looks in the far right corner and sees four people. "Oh no!" he says to himself. "Who is it?" A few moments pass and he walks up to the table. He wraps his hands around the first person's neck and strangles her. He wraps his hands around the seconds person's neck and strangles her. He wraps his hands around the third person's neck and strangles her, and lastly, wraps his hands around the fourth person's neck and strangles her.

The following day the man walks back to the bar and on a table he sees a newspaper. On the newspaper the headline says, "Arty chokes four for a pound at Sainsbury's."
 
Stretch said:
A man was driving to work one morning and knocked a dwarf of his bike. He got out the car to see if he was ok, when the dwarf stood up and said “I’m not happy”, the man replied “which one are you then?"
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ROFL, best in the thread.
 
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees longitude".

"You must be in IT support" said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the woman, "How did you know?".

"Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,you've delayed my trip".

The woman below responded "You must be in Management".

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?".

"Well" said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's all my fault"
 
10th anniversary, wife says i used to be a hooker before we wed, i forgive you says husband,
wife says no a hooker for st helens called brian..
 
A war correspondant visiting afganistan for a 2nd time noted that since the fall of the taliban, wives who used to walk 10pace's behind their husbands were now walking 10pace's in fron. The reporter asked one of them men if this was a sign of growing equality - No he replied ... Land mines.

Polish immigrant goes to specsavers for an eyetest. Optician shows him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. Can you read that? The pole says Read it?? I know him!

I woke early this morning, the earth lay cool and still, when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely so carefree and so gay. That slowly all my troubles began to slip a wa. he sang of far off places of laughter and of fun, it seemed his very chirping brought up the morning sun, I stirred beneath the covers and crept slowly out of bed and gently shut the window and crushed his ****** head ....... im not a morning person
 
son to dad "dad ive just had sex for the first time"
"congrats" said dad getting two beers from the fridge "any questions son"
"yes how long will my ass hurt"
 
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, 'Mummy, why is my name Petal?'
The mother replied, 'Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.'

The next baby walked up and asked, 'Mummy why is my name Rose?' she replied,

'Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.' The last baby walked up to her and said, 'BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY.'

The mother replied, 'Please be quiet, Fridge.'
 
A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day, about 6 months in, she is driving down a street when three armed robbers burst out the bank as she passes. As she watches, they open fire on the police car in front of her. In the carnage, she gets shot several times.

Luckily, she survives. Miraculously, so do the triplets. They're born and grow up as normally as any other kids; two girls and a boy.

One day, six years later, one of the girls approaches her mother:

"Mummy...I was having a pee and a bullet came out...am I okay?"

"Yes, darling. I was shot when you were still in my tummy. You're absolutely fine. Nothing to worry about."

So the kid skips off and goes about her day.

A few years later, the other girl approaches her mother:

"Mum...Y'know how I started my period?"

"Yes, darling..."

"Well...It happened again...And there was a bullet in it!"

"That's nothing to worry about, hun. I was shot when I was pregnant with you. You'll be absolutely fine. Don't worry about it."

"Okay, mum."

Then a few years later again, the mother is going about the housework. As she picks up a pile of washing and walks past the sons' bedroom, she hears a yelp and a scream.

Panicked, she drops the washing and bursts into the room. Finding her son in tears, she asks him what happened.

Fighting back the waterworks, he says...

"...I was having a **** and I shot the dog."

*n
 
penski said:
A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day, about 6 months in, she is driving down a street when three armed robbers burst out the bank as she passes. As she watches, they open fire on the police car in front of her. In the carnage, she gets shot several times.

Luckily, she survives. Miraculously, so do the triplets. They're born and grow up as normally as any other kids; two girls and a boy.

One day, six years later, one of the girls approaches her mother:

"Mummy...I was having a pee and a bullet came out...am I okay?"

"Yes, darling. I was shot when you were still in my tummy. You're absolutely fine. Nothing to worry about."

So the kid skips off and goes about her day.

A few years later, the other girl approaches her mother:

"Mum...Y'know how I started my period?"

"Yes, darling..."

"Well...It happened again...And there was a bullet in it!"

"That's nothing to worry about, hun. I was shot when I was pregnant with you. You'll be absolutely fine. Don't worry about it."

"Okay, mum."

Then a few years later again, the mother is going about the housework. As she picks up a pile of washing and walks past the sons' bedroom, she hears a yelp and a scream.

Panicked, she drops the washing and bursts into the room. Finding her son in tears, she asks him what happened.

Fighting back the waterworks, he says...

"...I was having a **** and I shot the dog."

*n
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Lmao love that joke, kinda freaky aswell as I so nearly posted it earlier but decided I needed a poo and then forgot afterwards!
 
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