Caporegime
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- 11 Mar 2005
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- Leafy Cheshire
'Here's your Vectra courtesy car...'
Funniest Thing a Mechanic has said to you!
- Thread starter happy_2008
- Start date
Don't generally use mechanics, but a few things that have been said to me over the years:
MOT bloke: The handbrake failed because it has absolutely no effect.
Me: Did you test it on the front wheels? It's a front handbrake.
MOT bloke: D'oh!
Me: I'd like to buy an atmospheric dump valve for my Saab 99 Turbo, but not sure what spring it needs.
Chap at Bailey motorsport: What type of dump valve does it currently have on it?
Me: None, it never had one from the factory.
Chap at Bailey motorsport: No, it must do, all turbo cars have to have a dump valve.
Me: Nope. Not this one, and no it's not a diesel.
Chap at Bailey: Can't be a turbo, it wouldn't work without a dump valve.
Me: Can I speak to someone else please?
Power Engineering bloke: What do you mean, it's not got an intercooler? I'm not running that, it will kill the engine without an intercooler or water injection.
Me: Nope, no intercooler, no water injection, no charge cooling at all. I've signed the waiver and paid my money, rolling road it!
PE bloke: It'll explode! You can't run a turbo like that!
Me:
Sometimes having an obscure car has disadvantages!
MOT bloke: The handbrake failed because it has absolutely no effect.
Me: Did you test it on the front wheels? It's a front handbrake.
MOT bloke: D'oh!
Me: I'd like to buy an atmospheric dump valve for my Saab 99 Turbo, but not sure what spring it needs.
Chap at Bailey motorsport: What type of dump valve does it currently have on it?
Me: None, it never had one from the factory.
Chap at Bailey motorsport: No, it must do, all turbo cars have to have a dump valve.
Me: Nope. Not this one, and no it's not a diesel.
Chap at Bailey: Can't be a turbo, it wouldn't work without a dump valve.
Me: Can I speak to someone else please?
Power Engineering bloke: What do you mean, it's not got an intercooler? I'm not running that, it will kill the engine without an intercooler or water injection.
Me: Nope, no intercooler, no water injection, no charge cooling at all. I've signed the waiver and paid my money, rolling road it!
PE bloke: It'll explode! You can't run a turbo like that!
Me:
Sometimes having an obscure car has disadvantages!
"To be honest I really though it would pass the MOT straight off. Car felt solid. A shame, but at least it was easy things to sort yeah?.. Just the wishbone and labour."
*hands cash over*
"Cheers.. common problem on Fiestas you see.. probably their biggest weakspot. When I was driving it to the test centre I could feel too much play in the suspension.. knew it was the wishbone and it was gonna fail on that."
Edit:
Dad just told me his own:
Again, MOT related. Mechanic looked over his car for the obvious things before testing and pulled him up on the glove box.
"The catch is broke on your glove box. It just opens when you're driving."
"Yeah.."
"Think I can get a new catch.. won't be much."
"Err it's ok, I only use it for work I'm really not fussed to be honest, I don't store anything in there and the inside of the car is a mess anyway as you can see *chuckles*
"Yeah, but it'll fail its MOT. Dangerous."
:\
*hands cash over*
"Cheers.. common problem on Fiestas you see.. probably their biggest weakspot. When I was driving it to the test centre I could feel too much play in the suspension.. knew it was the wishbone and it was gonna fail on that."
Edit:
Dad just told me his own:
Again, MOT related. Mechanic looked over his car for the obvious things before testing and pulled him up on the glove box.
"The catch is broke on your glove box. It just opens when you're driving."
"Yeah.."
"Think I can get a new catch.. won't be much."
"Err it's ok, I only use it for work I'm really not fussed to be honest, I don't store anything in there and the inside of the car is a mess anyway as you can see *chuckles*
"Yeah, but it'll fail its MOT. Dangerous."
:\
Last edited:
Admittedly it was over the phone so he had a bit of a disadvantage but the conversation with my BMW service dept. went like this:
Me: My car keeps cutting out when I go round corners at low speed
Mechanic: I think that may be due to driver error
Me: But what am I doing wrong?
Mechanic: You need to learn to drive the car without stalling it, perhaps you are not dipping the clutch when you should?
Me: It's an automatic
Mechanic: Oh.
Out of interest it turned out to be a dodgy ECU chip.
Me: My car keeps cutting out when I go round corners at low speed
Mechanic: I think that may be due to driver error
Me: But what am I doing wrong?
Mechanic: You need to learn to drive the car without stalling it, perhaps you are not dipping the clutch when you should?
Me: It's an automatic
Mechanic: Oh.
Out of interest it turned out to be a dodgy ECU chip.
Me: Have you finished fitting my L.S.D yet ??
Mechanic: Not yet I had to go out and get some special oil for the L.S.D
Me: Why didnt you use the oil supplied in the Nismo L.S.D kit ??
Mechanic: No its no good its the wrong sort
Me: What you're trying to tell me Nismo dont supply the right oil in their L.S.D kits ??
Mechanic: No its the wrong sort.
Me: I dont care, drop what ever you bought and put the Nismo stuff in.
Mechanic: Not yet I had to go out and get some special oil for the L.S.D
Me: Why didnt you use the oil supplied in the Nismo L.S.D kit ??
Mechanic: No its no good its the wrong sort
Me: What you're trying to tell me Nismo dont supply the right oil in their L.S.D kits ??
Mechanic: No its the wrong sort.
Me: I dont care, drop what ever you bought and put the Nismo stuff in.
Me when i was just starting to learn to be a mechanic. (new sweet **** all)
Me: Whats that? (pointing to a Shogun's intercooler while its up on a ramp)
Trainer: Thats an Intercooler!
Me: (sounding very interested) oh what does it do?
Trainer: Oh it cools the oil going to the Turbo.
Me: :|
Me: Whats that? (pointing to a Shogun's intercooler while its up on a ramp)
Trainer: Thats an Intercooler!
Me: (sounding very interested) oh what does it do?
Trainer: Oh it cools the oil going to the Turbo.
Me: :|
Soldato
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- Near Winchester
"Well, it's a bit of a Lamb on a mountain."
Soldato
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- 18 Oct 2002
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Took my GTO into Kwik-fit - the brakes were grinding and it was the only place locally open.
Me: Can you replace the pads for me please?
Kwik-fit guy: What car is it?
Me: This one (has the rear to the guy with GTO showing), all of 4ft away.
Kwik-fit guy: Yeah, but what sort of car is it?
Me: Doesn't matter....
Christ, if you can't read 3 letters on the back of a car from 4ft, you ain't messing with my brakes.
Other things GTO-related.
ATS: New exhaust - £1036 plus vat mate (got one on-line for £440 inc decat...)
Halfrauds: New discs...£221...EACH!
Me: Can you replace the pads for me please?
Kwik-fit guy: What car is it?
Me: This one (has the rear to the guy with GTO showing), all of 4ft away.
Kwik-fit guy: Yeah, but what sort of car is it?
Me: Doesn't matter....
Christ, if you can't read 3 letters on the back of a car from 4ft, you ain't messing with my brakes.
Other things GTO-related.
ATS: New exhaust - £1036 plus vat mate (got one on-line for £440 inc decat...)
Halfrauds: New discs...£221...EACH!
Soldato
- Joined
- 8 Mar 2006
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- 13,300
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- Near Winchester
Tread carefully there, he might have been ripping on your for not knowing a technical term.
Last edited:
Was many years ago mind 
The way he said it he genuinely didn't know.
That'll be £976.99 please!
Sadly he wasn't joking
Been there, done that - last bill was slightly shy of a grand for a new clutch and some pipework. OK, the clutch was an AP Racing organic and the pipework was high-pressure hydraulic stuff....
Sadly my current mechanic knows far too much about scoobs to come out with silly comments. I can offer up the main dealer mechanic who reckoned three hours to swap over the front ARB (some idiot had put it on upside-down). Took Pavlo's boys forty minutes tops.
M
Soldato
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- 5 Aug 2003
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- 8,538
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- Essex
AA man looking at the engine on my Pug 106 for about 2 seconds and saying 'where'd you want a tow to mate'. Had to scrap that car as I'd basically melted the engine from driving at it's limits for too long
So called Fiat Coupe expert in Leeds when i called him for a quote for some work doing on my old car.
"Yes the 5 cylinder fiat engine is exactly the same as the 4 cylinder one they used before they just added a cylinder."
Me "Really"
Him "Yes many parts are interchangeable turbo, plug leads etc"
Me "Thanks I'll have a think about that price"
Two totally different engines one even has coil packs and as to interchangable turbo it wont even fit the manifold let alone do any good.
"Yes the 5 cylinder fiat engine is exactly the same as the 4 cylinder one they used before they just added a cylinder."
Me "Really"
Him "Yes many parts are interchangeable turbo, plug leads etc"
Me "Thanks I'll have a think about that price"
Two totally different engines one even has coil packs and as to interchangable turbo it wont even fit the manifold let alone do any good.
