Mondays Joke

Sonea Fifer · 24 Dec 2007 at 01:48

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, Tommy yells out "Ouch you ******* ******!"

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest.
She said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing, the language is terrible and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."

The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy thinks for a minute and says "just gimme some ******* waffles."
Mom immediatley backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet and subdued. His mother asks him what he would like for breakfast, he immediatley replies was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no ******* waffles!"

Hobgoblin · 24 Dec 2007 at 01:55

fail

Begbie · 24 Dec 2007 at 02:02

we need some decent jokes sonea!

macca672 · 24 Dec 2007 at 02:26

Two guys work in a restaurant. One named Yorfase, the other named Hans.
Yorfase was a new waiter, Hans was the kitchen assistant.

The restaurant was a fish restaurant, the kind that you choose which
fish/lobster/crab/squid that you wish to eat, and it gets taken to the
kitchens, etc.

In the tank there was a squid that Yorfase had grown fond of. It was a
real straggly looking thing, mild green in colour with hairy lips,
almost like a beard and moustache. It seemed fond of Yorface and used to
let Yorfase tickle him when the manager wasn't around.

One day, a man came into the restaurant and ordered Squid. Yorfase asked
which squid he would like. The man pointed to the mild green squid and
said "that one". Yorfase tried to make the man to choose a larger more
attractive active squid but the man refused to change his mind.

Sadly, Yorfase took his squid into the kitchens and lay it on the
chopping board. The squid looked at Yorfase with sad watery eyes as it
awaited its fate. Yorfase stood with the chopping knife in his hand and
could not kill his friend.

He called to Hans who was assigned to plate washing, and asked if he
could do the terrible deed, Yorfase could just not bear to kill the
squid.

Hans admitted that he could not kill the squid either.

The moral of the story is....Hans that do dishes are as soft as Yorfase
with Mild Green Hairy Lipped Squid!.

theo · 24 Dec 2007 at 02:54

i smiled at the first one, second joke made me cry inside

ChoÞÞer · 24 Dec 2007 at 03:02

fail at both!

Dave85 · 24 Dec 2007 at 05:42

sonea got a smile 2nd one made me sad

CyZMyAssBaby · 24 Dec 2007 at 06:06

Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa had one to many sherberts,
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady whines
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has a rash

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The InLand Revenue,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little gits.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of waste.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....

Baz · 24 Dec 2007 at 08:08

[SIZE=-1]Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."[/SIZE]

eddie_slovik · 24 Dec 2007 at 08:39

in the spirit of Macca672's joke...........

its all kicking off in the wild west,the indians are cutting up rough again so the US calvary get sent in to sort them out but the indians are absolutely raving and the calvary are forced to retreat.desperately they seek some sort of shelter from which to hide from the indians.finally they find some dilapidated huts by the coast and their captain orders the men inside.unfortunately the huts are white and really stand out so the captain orders the men to camoflage them but theres nothing suitable along the shoreline to use as camo so in desperation they use their chocolate ration to scratch zig zag lines on the huts to break up their outline.just as they finish and think they are safe they spot a lone indian scout who has been observing their desperate attempts.knowing that their survival depends on it the captain orders some of the men to get the scout and they jump on their horses and start chasing and firing at the scout who in one bound springs onto his pony and gallops off to alert his tribe.with bullets flying around his ears the scout almost manages to get clean away but a bullet slams into him and he slumps onto his horse who is bolting for home.desperately he clings onto his horse knowing that he must live long enough to warn his tribe and with great effort he manages to hang onto until the horse finally stops.with his life ebbing away the scout opens his eyes to see that he is home,friendly hands help him down from the horse and he collapses at the feet of his chief and with his dying breath he utters,"huts ! old naval huts,the calvary takes them and it covers them in chocolate!"

Baz · 24 Dec 2007 at 08:43

eddie_slovik · 24 Dec 2007 at 08:47

only folk of a certain age would get it

Baz · 24 Dec 2007 at 08:50

Thats ageist

martinturner · 24 Dec 2007 at 09:04

eddie_slovik said:
in the spirit of Macca672's joke...........

its all kicking off in the wild west,the indians are cutting up rough again so the US calvary get sent in to sort them out but the indians are absolutely raving and the calvary are forced to retreat.desperately they seek some sort of shelter from which to hide from the indians.finally they find some dilapidated huts by the coast and their captain orders the men inside.unfortunately the huts are white and really stand out so the captain orders the men to camoflage them but theres nothing suitable along the shoreline to use as camo so in desperation they use their chocolate ration to scratch zig zag lines on the huts to break up their outline.just as they finish and think they are safe they spot a lone indian scout who has been observing their desperate attempts.knowing that their survival depends on it the captain orders some of the men to get the scout and they jump on their horses and start chasing and firing at the scout who in one bound springs onto his pony and gallops off to alert his tribe.with bullets flying around his ears the scout almost manages to get clean away but a bullet slams into him and he slumps onto his horse who is bolting for home.desperately he clings onto his horse knowing that he must live long enough to warn his tribe and with great effort he manages to hang onto until the horse finally stops.with his life ebbing away the scout opens his eyes to see that he is home,friendly hands help him down from the horse and he collapses at the feet of his chief and with his dying breath he utters,"huts ! old naval huts,the calvary takes them and it covers them in chocolate!"

Holy paragraph batman!

Vonhelmet · 24 Dec 2007 at 09:07

This is probably the worst joke thread I've ever seen here, and that is really saying something.

Totality · 24 Dec 2007 at 09:12

vonhelmet said:
This is probably the worst joke thread I've ever seen here, and that is really saying something.

Agreed! Havent found a single one funny. It's just ruined my xmas eve

I reckon the thread should be locked and a new one started! Any bad joke posters should be banned for the xmas period too so that the christmas cheer isnt ruined further!!!

Snakedoctor · 24 Dec 2007 at 09:15

eddie_slovik said:
in the spirit of Macca672's joke...........

its all kicking off in the wild west,the indians are cutting up rough again so the US calvary get sent in to sort them out but the indians are absolutely raving and the calvary are forced to retreat.desperately they seek some sort of shelter from which to hide from the indians.finally they find some dilapidated huts by the coast and their captain orders the men inside.unfortunately the huts are white and really stand out so the captain orders the men to camoflage them but theres nothing suitable along the shoreline to use as camo so in desperation they use their chocolate ration to scratch zig zag lines on the huts to break up their outline.just as they finish and think they are safe they spot a lone indian scout who has been observing their desperate attempts.knowing that their survival depends on it the captain orders some of the men to get the scout and they jump on their horses and start chasing and firing at the scout who in one bound springs onto his pony and gallops off to alert his tribe.with bullets flying around his ears the scout almost manages to get clean away but a bullet slams into him and he slumps onto his horse who is bolting for home.desperately he clings onto his horse knowing that he must live long enough to warn his tribe and with great effort he manages to hang onto until the horse finally stops.with his life ebbing away the scout opens his eyes to see that he is home,friendly hands help him down from the horse and he collapses at the feet of his chief and with his dying breath he utters,"huts ! old naval huts,the calvary takes them and it covers them in chocolate!"

Wins for me!

Gilly · 24 Dec 2007 at 09:19

Rubbish.

Totality said:
Agreed! Havent found a single one funny. It's just ruined my xmas eve I reckon the thread should be locked and a new one started! Any bad joke posters should be banned for the xmas period too so that the christmas cheer isnt ruined further!!!

No. No new one. Just locked.