Monday morning joke thread.

$loth said:
GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loudpounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped
us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Click to expand...

PMSL...Nice :D
 
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up she jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing
some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knock's on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is
Sharon and you are losing some of your load!

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.


â

â


â

â

â

â

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says 'Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a ****ing gritter!'
 
Monday's Joke - Toilet humour is the best humour!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and
gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would
walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the
diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked
beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and
exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the
room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one
go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The
stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands
back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I nearly fainted!
 
Last edited:
Don't you think it's ironic that people with club feet aren't very good dancers?

(My joke transferred from the dead joke thread :p)
 
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