A Thursday Failure courtesy of Bes, yes Bes, remember the name for future unfunniness

Bes

Bes

Bes

Soldato
Joined
18 Oct 2002
Posts
7,318
Location
Melbourne
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and of course, subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and of course, subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullpoop artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Monica.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica... err, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
 
If you C&P'ed that from somewhere then it's not one of the worst joke threads ever in here, if you actually took the time to type it out, it is.
 
Ok how's this:

Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?





















It has a 12 month waiting list.








:D
 
This'll make you laugh...


A man has both ears ripped off in a rugby match and is rushed to the Doctor.
The doctor says " Well, your ear holes are OK so all we need to do now is find you some donor ears"

A couple of days goes by and the doc rings up the man and says "Good news.....I've found you some ears."

The man says "what sort of ears are they?"

"Well" says the Doc," One is from a dog and the other is a pig's ear. But don't worry, you've got long hair so no one will see them."

So the Doctor stitches them on and asks the man how they are, to which he replies...

"Well this dog's ear is amazing! I can hear a whisper from ten miles away!"

The Doctor says "what about the pig's ear?"
and the man says...

"Ah, well...I'm getting a lot of crackling in that one!"
 
The first post raised a slight smirk here so have two old jokes that I've got saved.

London Lawyer & Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

The Glasgow cop says, "License and registration, please."
London lawyer replies, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Birthing Problems

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth.
There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.
‘There’s just one problem,’ she says. ‘Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?’.
The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. ‘Yes, this is definitely my baby,’ he says confidently.
‘Um, excuse me,’ says the West Indian, ‘but I think it’s fairly obvious that this is my son.’ The Englishman pulls him aside and says,
‘I see where you’re coming from mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I’m not prepared to take the risk’.
 
Whats the first thing a battered wife does when she gets out the hospital?

The bloody dishes if she knows whats good for her!


*Lol, a girl actually sent me that today, the age we live in :P*
 
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