Divorced / Seperated men only please.

Munky1080

Munky1080

Munky1080

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Gravesend, Kent
I swore up and down since coming here that I'd never make a "relationship thread;" but here it is.

I won't get into the why, but I am going to split up with my wife of 4 years. I've not ever cheated on her, and she's never cheated on me, just so you know. The thing is - she's nagged me so much to the point that I can't really stand to be in the same house with her. I try to be "alpha" as some people here would suggest, but she just has none of it.

There are 2 problems though: 1 is finances, the other is our two year old daughter.

We are in debt, and if we separate, I don't know how she would be able to afford to live. I've made up my mind that it's best if my little girl stays with her mother, and I see her on weekends (which will absolutely break my heart.) I currently make about £1500 a month after tax, and my wife maybe £1200. We are in debt to the point that each of us only get £20 a week in spending money (if that) and we aren't saving anything currently.

To be honest (this is going to sound really egotistical of me as well) I don't need to change, the onus should be on her. I'm 28 years old and now know that I can be picky with what woman I choose to be with. I will always respect my wife for what she did for me (she basically saved me from deadly heroin addiction back in 02-03.)

I know this thread is garbled up quite a bit...but does anyone who has separated / divorced have any advise on how to proceed? As I know that part of the debt she's in (except for the student loans, the car loan, and her post-graduate safari trip to Africa) should be paid back by myself, I won't have loads of money. Can anyone predict how much Child Support I would have to pay (i don't mind) or Alimony I would have to pay (just try and collect) if we break up. Also with my wife only making what she makes...how likely is it that she can get some sort of government support to make sure my little girl keeps a roof over her head and food on the table?

It's a really ropey time at the moment and If anyone had any testimonials or something similar, I would love to hear them....

Cheers;

PS - I know some people like to have a laugh and I'm waiting for the "punch her in the ovaries", etc...but please keep it at a minimum.
 
I'm sorry but if you don't think you need to change on any level then I really wouldn't bother being in a relationship. No-one is the way they are without a reason... and if she's nagging at you constantly then you need to assess what it is about you and your habits (aside fomr obviously mounting debt, which is a HUGE worry to anyone) that's causing the problem? Have you even tried professional counselling to try and find a root of the problem? As for her saving you from a deadly heroin addiction... seems to me she has not only a big heart, but a hell of a lot of patience, as knowing the way many heroin addicts act at their heigt of their addiction, most people would have just kicked you to the dirt and got on with their life.

From your post it seems like now you're on the straight and narrow you feel like you can do better and have no use for your missus any more now that she's got you through your rough patch... and you do come accross as very arrogant, inconsiderate even, in effectively saying that it's all her fault and that you don't need to change, when considering the stress you have put her under in the past (usually the root of nagging is stress and nerves) it should be you bending over backwards to make her happy or at least some effort to save your relationship.

Either way I hope everything work out for the best.

(All i'm going on is what you posted, so don't get offended) :p
 
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The onus is on both of you to either change or accept.

Anyway, seeing your child only on weekends can be a killer, my wife and boy currently live in Bristol while I live in Slough (work in staines) during the week, so I'm only gettin to see my boy on weekends. It is hard, especially when you have a few days in the week of no phone contact (kids get bored of talking on the phone) and even worse when you see them for a weekend and you have a bad time (kids quite often have bad days or days of no interest in anything but themselves, thats life).

However, I am getting used to it, but not enough. I love going down to see him and try to make the most of every weekend, not saying you need to do things all the time, but make sure that he knows he's appreciated all the time, even if its just playing cars on the lounge floor :D
 
I would ring the CSA, give them all your information and see what they say.

I split from my partner in 2001 and although we have a private agreement I've always paid what the CSA would expect. At least this way the amount is deceided by a 3rd party so leaves less room for arguments about the amount.

iirc the CSA only get involved directly if the mother is receiving benefits (could also be if the mother asks, but not sure on that).

Normally if you have one child you would have to pay 15% of your income, and your daughter stays with you at least one night I week then you can get a reduction on this, the key here is that she must sleep at your house, having her during the day won't count.

You need to talk to them and explain about your debt and see how that affects things.

It's not use denying it's not difficult not being with the kids full time, but you'll both get used to it.
Once I moved out my mood improved and I did more with the kids than I did when I was living with them, and they all said how much more fun I was.

Seven years on I'm now married to my soulmate and I'm the happiest I've ever been.
 
peterattheboro said:
CSA don't exist now?
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Oops, I'd forgotten aboti the wonderfully named "Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission".

According to the CSA website the new commission is supposed to be starting in late 2008, but I would be surprised if they changed the guidelines on payments from what the CSA currently do.
 
Munky1080 said:
It's a really ropey time at the moment and If anyone had any testimonials or something similar, I would love to hear them....
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"Melanie Holden's book brings joy and happiness, and a certain measure of serenity, to the adult soul. I plan on sending a copy to all my special people this Christmas."

-- Milli Knudsen, author of Hard Time in Concord
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I won't comment on the reason for your breakup, because that's totally upto you and no-one on these forums knows the situation well enough to be able to offer valuable advice. Whichever way it goes, I wish you well.

In regards to child support money, you're entitled to front 15% of your aftertax take-home for each child (this doesn't take into account any outgoings or debts that are taken out of your wages), less 1/7th of the 15% for each night that she sleeps at your residence.

So, 1500 take home (you're on about 25-26k I assume, depending on student loan/bupa etc already taken from your wages?) you'll need to pay roughly 225-250 if your daughter doesn't physically sleep at your new residence.

If she stays over two nights (say friday and saturday night), you can minus 2/7ths of the 250.

= 180 ish

In regards to actually breaking up with your Wife, and how you'll miss your daughter, I really do wish you well. The way you've worded your thread (about how you don't need to change, the onus is on her) I think will be mis-read by a lot of the forum members here, but you mirror almost exactly the relationship I was in a little over a year ago. To hopefully make you feel a little better about the whole situation i'll explain:

I was with my girlfriend of 2.5 years when we found out she was pregnant (6 months pregnant at the time of finding out), we were initially devastated (both very young) but decided to take up the challenge (our only worry being that our relationship was extremely patchy from the outset, to which I put most of the blame on her, and her personality (Again, no doubt this'll be misread). We had our daughter, and I couldn't love anything more in the world, for the next year I stayed with my girlfriend knowing that let alone loving her, I'm not sure I even liked her anymore, but I needed to know that the problem was her and not my daughter.

Eventually crunch time came and I couldn't keep putting both of us through this, we would argue every single day. I broke up with her, and the first week was probably the worst week of my life, racked with guilt and emotions I didn't even know I had.

The next 6-months were hard trying to sort out the details, of which you don't really need to know.

To conclude, a year and a half down, I'm now on civil terms with my ex, and I see my daughter twice a week (tuesday evenings I go to my ex's house and put her to sleep, and I see her at weekends).

I've had a bit of single-time/fun since breaking up, but i'm now in another relationship with an amazing girl (who couldn't be more different than my ex) and I feel free

It's really, really, really difficult what you're about to do, and go through. But you'll make it, and thank god/alcohol/whatever you pray to that you did :)

Oh and I forgot to add, if it's not clear, my daughter was 1 when we broke up, and is now two and a half. If yours is like mine, this is still a better time to do this than if she was older, she's young enough to be able to adjust but not really know whats going on.

The most important thing that has to come out of this though, whatever you and your ex go through, is to make sure that you let your daughter know that she's still the most important thing in the world for both of you, and that these things happen.. Please don't let it be a case where the child is used against the other parent
 
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Dracata said:
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In regards to child support money, you're entitled to front 15% of your aftertax take-home for each child (this doesn't take into account any outgoings or debts that are taken out of your wages), less 1/7th of the 15% for each night that she sleeps at your residence.
....
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It's not 15% for each child, it starts at 15% and then increases till you reach 3 children.

  • one child, they will have to pay 15% of their net weekly income
  • two children, they will have to pay 20% of their net weekly income, or
  • three or more children, they will have to pay 25% of their net weekly income.

Taken from the current CSA guidelines (Link)
 
nst68 said:
It's not 15% for each child, it starts at 15% and then increases till you reach 3 children.

  • one child, they will have to pay 15% of their net weekly income
  • two children, they will have to pay 20% of their net weekly income, or
  • three or more children, they will have to pay 25% of their net weekly income.

Taken from the current CSA guidelines (Link)
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Yeah of course that makes sense, otherwise if you had 3 children you'd be pretty screwed haha :D
 
Dracata said:
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That's Dracata - what you've said helps a lot. Especially being non-judgemental. Basically it's at the point where I can't really stand living with my wife any more... I've seen this coming for over a year, but have tried my darnedest to make things work. Unfortunately, she's just gotten worse (read "given an inch and taking a mile) and there is so much animosity now between us that it won't ever work out.

Also, I love my daughter very much, and although I'm not perfect (who is,) no one can say that I'm not a brilliant father to my little girl. I will most certainly keep up any part of child support that is required of me, however I don't want my wife to take me to the cleaners otherwise. I understand that 1/2 of the debt we've accumulated since being married is my responsibility, and I have no intention of dodging it - even if almost all of it is in her name.

I'm not really sure where to start. My wife doesn't know that I have plans to separate yet, because I never really go into anything without a plan first (I have a career in Logistics after all.) That's what I'm doing right now - trying to figure out the best way to plan this so that logistically, there are minimal speed bumps. I need to make sure that my wife will be able to live on her own, and keep a roof over her and my daughter's head. Also I need to look out for myself, and make sure that I can afford to live.

Being in a relationship like this really feels strangling, and I know it can't be very enjoyable for my Mrs (otherwise she wouldn't nag and bitch and moan all the time.)

I think it would do us a lot of good. I don't see us using our daughter as bargaining chips, as we're not like that. Also I concur that this needs to be done sooner rather than later, as ultimately it'll be easier for my daughter now, then if I wait longer.

I don't have loads of disposable income currently, but are there any government programs I should know about in terms of helping with costs associated with the breakup? Also is my best bet to get in touch with a lawyer first? I'm really in the dark about how this works really.

Cheers;
 
Munky1080 said:
That's Dracata - what you've said helps a lot. Especially being non-judgemental. Basically it's at the point where I can't really stand living with my wife any more... I've seen this coming for over a year, but have tried my darnedest to make things work. Unfortunately, she's just gotten worse (read "given an inch and taking a mile) and there is so much animosity now between us that it won't ever work out.

Also, I love my daughter very much, and although I'm not perfect (who is,) no one can say that I'm not a brilliant father to my little girl. I will most certainly keep up any part of child support that is required of me, however I don't want my wife to take me to the cleaners otherwise. I understand that 1/2 of the debt we've accumulated since being married is my responsibility, and I have no intention of dodging it - even if almost all of it is in her name.

I'm not really sure where to start. My wife doesn't know that I have plans to separate yet, because I never really go into anything without a plan first (I have a career in Logistics after all.) That's what I'm doing right now - trying to figure out the best way to plan this so that logistically, there are minimal speed bumps. I need to make sure that my wife will be able to live on her own, and keep a roof over her and my daughter's head. Also I need to look out for myself, and make sure that I can afford to live.

Being in a relationship like this really feels strangling, and I know it can't be very enjoyable for my Mrs (otherwise she wouldn't nag and bitch and moan all the time.)

I think it would do us a lot of good. I don't see us using our daughter as bargaining chips, as we're not like that. Also I concur that this needs to be done sooner rather than later, as ultimately it'll be easier for my daughter now, then if I wait longer.

I don't have loads of disposable income currently, but are there any government programs I should know about in terms of helping with costs associated with the breakup? Also is my best bet to get in touch with a lawyer first? I'm really in the dark about how this works really.

Cheers;
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As you're married and as you also have a fair amount of joint-debt, it would be worth getting a solicitor involved (bearing in mind they'll want £££), if not a solicitor i'd suggest you visit the CAB and see what they have to say.

Would your Mrs be in any position to live in the same house and keep all the payments? If not, are her parents/family in the position to put her up until she can get herself sorted?

I ask because my ex was in no shape to support herself, so I made sure that there was enough money for my daughter but it wasn't my position to make sure she could afford to live. She moved back in with her parents for about 6 months before eventually getting back on her feet. As far as i'm aware her parents still help her out with money, but she's on an extremely low wage.

You'll want to find out about all of the financial support that the government can offer your Wife (as she'll be the one with custody). My ex receives working tax credit and child benefit as far as i'm aware.

Does your daughter go to nursery? If so, you'll receive a substantial amount of money to help towards this.

My Ex works full time, our daughter goes to nursery. She receives somewhere in the region of £600-£900 a month in benefits/credits, which basically pay for the nursery.

So:

* CAB to work out the details of the split, in regards to your joint debt. Do you have joint accounts? Joint loans? If the debt is in her name, then its obviously upto you to choose exactly what amount of the debt you want to help her with.

* Thinking about her finances, and what she'll be able to receive from the government.

Also, one thing I would add is that once you've come up with the plan, obviously don't go to your wife and say that you want to break-up, here's the plan. Tell her you've been thinking about it and you want to break-up, and gradually ease in all the ideas of your plan.

If it looks pre-meditated (which it is), then she's less likely to be amicable/civil. Things are SO much easier when you can be civil..
 
Dracata said:
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Things are SO much easier when you can be civil..
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Think this is probably the most useful line of the whole thread.

Luckily my split went thru pretty well as we were both sensible about it, but I've seen other couples fight tooth and nail.
The only winners then are the solicitors.
 
Have you actually tried marriage counselling? Given that your wife doesn't know your plan (I.e. How bad it has got in your mind) it would be a little hasty and somewhat unfair to just bail out without trying to fix things.

After all from what I have read in your opening post she had the patience to fix you.

For the record me and the wife have had counselling when we hit a very rough marriage breaking spot and it worked wonders, for us at least. YMMV.
 
LordSplodge said:
Have you actually tried marriage counselling? Given that your wife doesn't know your plan (I.e. How bad it has got in your mind) it would be a little hasty and somewhat unfair to just bail out without trying to fix things.

After all from what I have read in your opening post she had the patience to fix you.

For the record me and the wife have had counselling when we hit a very rough marriage breaking spot and it worked wonders, for us at least. YMMV.
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I agree with you in principle, but the reason I didn't mention this is because it sounds like his mind is made up. Whats the point of trying to mend something that you don't actually want anymore?

Maybe they should have tried marriage counselling a couple of years ago, and whoever's fault that is, who knows. I just try to offer useful advice instead of nitpicking over the details
 
Dracata said:
I agree with you in principle, but the reason I didn't mention this is because it sounds like his mind is made up. Whats the point of trying to mend something that you don't actually want anymore?
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To be honest I was just as ready to chuck it all in a couple of years ago but the counselling showed me what my wife's side of the problem looked like and our core relationship was good and once we had followed the advice, including all the bumpy roads it took us down then things got as good if not better than before the bad patch.

My advice would be that the OP sits down with his wife and communicates how he feels and then, if they both agree it is worth a bash a saving, get in touch with Relate. If not then arbitration may also be a good point.

Google divorce aid as well.
 
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