Could you raise another man's child?

[TW]Fox;12929761 said:
Leave her to somebody else. I wouldnt want a permanent reminder of her inability to form a stable relationship before having children every time I was with her. This very short sighted of me, very shallow but it's just how I feel. I beleive children should be raised in very stable environments so I could never be 100% happy with somebody elses kid.
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I think about it a bit like this too... although I understand that accidents do happen, even when people are careful. Personally, I just want an easy life so I want to avoid kids altogether if possible ;) Nieces & Nephews for the win. All the benefits, none of the pitfalls!

Step kids are a minefield if the absent parent is an **** to be honest. I'd rather avoid the grief.

It *can* work though - my sister's boyfriend is excellent with my niece. The father split on amicable terms with my sister and is good mates with her boyfriend now. My sister is pregnant again so the boyfriend will have his own kid with her - I think that will make it much easier on him. They seem very happy and are getting married next year :D
 
I'm 26 now and have been with my fiancee for 5 and a half years. She's a bit older than me and has three girls from her previous relationship, who are now 11, 10 and 8. It hasn't always been plain sailing (sometimes quite the opposite!), but I wouldn't change it for the world. If you love someone and get on, the fact they have a child/children shouldn't be that much of an issue imho. She's a fantastic mum and we'll no doubt have our own one day.

The eldest doesn't fully accept me, but then her dad (i.e. the ex) is on and off the scene and can be a bit of a *** which doesn't help. The younger two treat me like their dad and I love them all to pieces. Yeah I 'settled down' early, but that's me and I wouldn't swap my girls for the world.

Regarding some of the posts earlier; there comes a time in your life when a young free and single 'fine piece of ass' isn't the be all and end all, and you actually want to find someone to share your life with. You accept that in the real world things don't always come in perfect little nuclear packages and you know when something special comes along. The fact I got a gorgeous girl who cares for me, AND BOGOFx3 - a whole family to care for - was just a bonus really lol :D

I do echo BrightonBelle's comments though about the fact your partner's "been there done that". I did raise that as a concern when we started talking about having a child of our own but she soon put that to rest. As I said, it's certainly not always a bed of roses, but the fact you can face anything and come out the other side stronger is what makes a relationship so special - not the happy stuff ;)
 
Frank Butcher said:
Put yourself in this scenario. You meet a girl, she's everything you would want in a partner - attractive, intelligent, decent job and you get on great. She also has a young child from a previous relationship.

What would you do? Does it take a special person to raise another man's child or just a mug?

I imagine there must be a few step fathers here, would be interesting to hear of your experiences.
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Mug:confused: I think not, I know two people raising another mans child and I have the greatest respect for them both :cool:.
 
Different for a woman though. The ex had a kid who was 5 years old and I am kinda glad we split up... I could forsee 'our child' coming into the world with him saying 'you do that this way' and 'no thats not how you do it'... just because its how he had done it before.
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yea my wife is like this.... shes always like "you dont know how to talk to kids bla bla bla" she doesnt seem to realise its my first time so im learning as i go :mad:
 
My mum is my stepmum but she has been with me all through my life so i class her as my real mum. I see my birth mum once in a blue moon but she has not got much interest in me or my 5 month old boy.
 
Yes, for the right girl I have no doubt I would again.

Met my now ex 13 years ago when her daughter was 3, always chatted with her and played my part and now she's 16 and calls me dad :)

Its not about "raising another mans child" its about being a good parent, you help them learn right and wrong, teach them cool stuff and have fun generally, you never take the place of there father, he will always be there dad.. you have to earn there friendship and somehow that makes it just as good.
 
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"Any man can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father."

I would, my step dad is the greatest person i know. He has done so much for me, he is my real father.
 
I suppose I don't mind as long as the the father takes financial responsibility and plays an active part in the their lives.

I wouldn't out of choice if I'm being groomed to be a surrogate. However I come from a family that's not had any experience of this - so probably just my fear/concerns.
 
I have s stepson from my wife's previous marriage. He's 17 now, nearly 18. He was 3 when me and his mum started going out, and 7 when we got married. It hasn't all been plain sailing, I've had the occasional "You're not my real dad" thrown at me when things have occasionally got heated, more for effect than anything else. As long as you go into the relationship with your eyes open, with a good idea of what to expect it can work very well, I hope I'm a testimony to that.
I also have two daughters with my wife , they're 7 and 9.
I don't treat any of the children any differently, I see them all as mine. When my stepson tells me he loves me it means as much from him as from my daughters.
I'm extremely happy and wouldn't change it for the world.
 
[TW]Fox;12929789 said:
I appreciate my viewpoint is entirely misguided and arguably irrational but it's how I feel.
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Indeed - especially as it may not be down to the mother that she is in a unstable relationship, the father may be the reason why it failed, it's not always 50/50.

Also what if the mother was a widow? Nothing to do with a "stable" relationship then!

Rich
 
I married again 4 years after my first wife died. I had 2 young children and she had 1 daughter who was 7 when we married. Within 3 months my wife was getting treatment for anxiety and depression which lasted for a couple of months.
She says that she felt she could never do the right thing and always felt that my kids somehow "blamed" her for their mothers absence. When she realised just how fond of her they were the anxiety etc. vanished.
As far as my relationship with her daughter went, for the first 7 years or so it was often quite stormy, in fact she was an absolute cow! Then I realised that she was being a cow with everybody else, not just me. That enabled me to take a more mature view of our relationship.

We now have a perfectly normal relationship ( ie up and down) and she has grown into a charming and caring young woman.
 
[TW]Fox;12929761 said:
Leave her to somebody else. I wouldnt want a permenant reminder of her inability to form a stable relationship before having children every time I was with her. This very short sighted of me, very shallow but it's just how I feel. I beleive children should be raised in very stable environments so I could never be 100% happy with somebody elses kid.
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*believe.
 
Im guessing it would be twice as hard convincing the child to do anything.
(standard issue "no" + "youre not my dad" if things go **** up in an argument)

Having said that, a scenario like that wouldnt put me off in the slightest, though it helps I already have a daughter and have sometimes thought through "what it" situations...i.e my wife dies (god forbid)...and ending up in the same situation.

I'm digressing, if you really like/love the woman, give it a chance, the same chance as you'd give her if she didn't have a child. Having a child is not a negative, nor should it imply anything about a previous relationship...we all know relationships are all different, and there's millions of em, so don't label the girl.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
 
Ok.. here's a twist on the question...

You're married.. and have been for a while with no kids of your own.. For whatever reason the mrs has an extra marital one night stand type thing and low and behold she gets pregnant (leave contraception out of it.. this is hypothetical).

Both you and her realise it was all a mistake afterwards (hell for all I know you might both have planned it :D), you love each other still etc etc..

However she wants to keep the baby (call it religous convictions or ethical belief or whatever)... would you be able to raise mr one night stands child as your own ??

How do you think this would affect the relationship with the child.. could you still be a balanced caring father ?

(yes I know the situation is not very alpha male.. but the question still stands)

Pos.
 
PoSaM said:
You're married.. and have been for a while with no kids of your own.. For whatever reason the mrs has an extra marital one night stand type thing and low and behold she gets pregnant (leave contraception out of it.. this is hypothetical).
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Now that would be a constant reminder of your wife's infidelity, I would say bin her, but there is no way I can reliably answer that question without being in the situation.
 
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