A [rubbish] christmas story

platypus

platypus

platypus

Caporegime
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
If you think that was bad try this:

There had been no snow during the entire month of December. The elves in the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and now there was the possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.

Daily life at the North Pole was not pleasant, and Santa Claus was in a pretty foul mood. Mrs. Claus was suffering from arthritis and was very mad over the fact that her red velvet cake had fallen in the oven. Santa had tried to round up some extra helpers, but with no snow, they weren't able to make it by sleigh to the workshop.

Rudolph had a bad cold, and his nose wouldn't light up. Comet and Prancer were fighting over Vixen, who had just come into heat. Blitzen's right foreleg was still in a cast, and the vet said that they would have to wait until 24 December to decide if Blitzen would be able to pull the sleigh.

The electricity went off, and all the power tools came to a stop. There was nothing going right in Santa's workshops. The helpers were about three weeks behind in their work, and it didn't look that all the toys would be ready by Christmas Eve. Santa's foul mood was exacerbated by a bad case of hemorrhoids, and he wasn't too happy about the possibility of having to ride so far on Christmas Eve.

Seeing the terrible state of affairs at the North Pole chez Santa, the angels took up an offering to buy a gift for the unhappy workers and the Clauses - something that would brighten their Christmas. They chose a Christmas tree, and they sent it down by an angel.

The angel burst into the workshop room and asked,











































































"HEY, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS TREE?" ;)
 
Um..I'm pretty sure as reposts go, thats the worst yet.

The same crap joke, albeit worded differently, 3 posts later. Oh dear :p.
 
A letter from Santa:


Dear ________

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.

The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with V.D from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird ****.

On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumb ass Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.

Yours Sincerely, Santa

2 Cold Street, North Pole, H0H 0H0

:)
 
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simulatorman said:
A letter from Santa:


Dear ________

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.

The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with V.D from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird ****.

On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumb ass Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.

Yours Sincerely, Santa

2 Cold Street, North Pole, H0H 0H0

:)
Click to expand...

There's very funny story to the tune of 12 days of christmas very like this one here. Can't remember the name of it though but it's presented as a letter.
 
Antar Bolaeisk said:
There's very funny story to the tune of 12 days of christmas very like this one here. Can't remember the name of it though but it's presented as a letter.
Click to expand...
I remember it - my grandfather had a typed copy from a LONG time ago. It's presented as a series of letters, one sent back each day. Starting with 'thank you very much for the partridge' and ending with absolute chaos and telling him to stop sending stuff. It's hilarious, though.
 
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