The ***Christmas Funnies*** Thread

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

:)
 
Imagine my joy when I was getting out the christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

---

Saw another one, probably not appropriate though ;)
 
A typical OcUK'ers Christmas?

christmas_back_home.png
 
Rudolph's Surgery

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it.

No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the re constructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.

:)
 
simulatorman said:
Rudolph's Surgery

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it.

No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the re constructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.

:)
Click to expand...

That was terrible...sorry
 
simulatorman said:
Rudolph's Surgery

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it.

No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the re constructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.

:)
Click to expand...

I thought mine was bad but this without any doubt the worst joke in this thread!!
 
simulatorman said:
Rudolph's Surgery

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it.

No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the re constructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.

:)
Click to expand...

worst..joke..ever.
 
A young man wished to buy a Christmas present for his sweetheart and, as they had not been dating long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would be romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the gift wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.)

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show how much I love you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked good wearing them. There was another black pair with lace trim that I thought you'd really like, but it seemed to gripped too tightly when both your sister and the sales girl tried them on for me; in fact, I had to use both hands to help each of them slip out of those.

I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time as, no doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

With all my love,

Jimmy.

P.S. The sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style, folded down with the fur showing.

:)
 
What's a sheep's favourite Christmas carol?
We wish ewe a Merry Christmas.

Where do snowmen dance?
At a snowball.

What's your father getting for Christmas?
Bald and fat.

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
**********.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

What is Father Christmas's wife called?
Mary Christmas!

What's Christmas called in England ?
Yule Britannia !

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?
They both drop their needles !

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho ho ho!

:)
 
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat.

The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill.

Santa gasps, "£500! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me £500?"

The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. £20 for the clinic visit and £480 for the cat scan."

:)
 
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