cover letter what do you think?

mattheman

mattheman

mattheman

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9 February 2009

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Intern – inter dealer broker

I would like to apply for the Intern position - inter dealer broker programme, currently I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in finance during my first year of university, when I attended a presentation by Nat West. IDB appeals to my long standing interests in business and finance, and I feel is a function that would allow me to see projects through from start to finish, working relatively autonomously.

I come from an advanced academic and analytical background having completed a degree in European Studies at University of warwick and a post graduate Diploma in Economics from the University of London were I received a distinction in statistics. I speak a foreign language, have advanced workplace skills in management, people development and presenting (CMI Qualification), and believe I am well qualified to add value to the inter dealer brokerage team.
I have extensive experience working in finance industry, the range of roles that I have undertaken required high level communication, interpersonal, interpretive skills and understand the personal sacrifice required to become successful IDB.

I did have a graduate position in 2001 at pacific continental, however this was short live due too the Sep 11th crisis. Over the past few years I have been trying to find a front office finance position while saving funds to gain additional financial qualifications, I have passed the SFA in 2001, IAQ 2007 (which I need one module to complete) which I paid for myself, will be taking on either the CFA or IMC and plan to do a cert in quantitative methods at the University of London this September if I can’t find a permanent financial position.



Thank you for your time, I hope that, on consideration of my CV, you will be persuaded of my potential to perform well on this Intern scheme and to make a real contribution as a member of your firm. I can be available for interview at any time and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
 
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Dear Sir/Madam is signed off Yours faithfully..............will critique more later when I get home from work if I can.
 
You are trying to come across as an experience, qualified, academic graduate. The way that is written you come across as barely literate. You need to make sure it's properly capitalised (Names are proper nouns) and reads coherently. There are too many abbreviations as well. It's like an email to your mate.
 
This is a very off sentence and definitely needs reworking:

I speak foreign languages Spanish, have advanced workplace skills in management, people development and presenting (CMI Qualification), and believe I am well qualified to add value to the broking team.


Clearly you can see an error re. the languages part but would also look at rewording the part about believing you are well qualified.

Perhaps something like:

........and feel my qualities and abilities could add value to the broking team.
 
I may be wrong but isn't it Brokerage team rather than 'Broking' team?

Its really strange, your letter makes you come across as though you don't have a clue what you are doing but then your academic credentials counter that :confused:
 
If your CV is attached then you don't need to put all that crap in there.

Cut it right down to:

Hi,

I want this position.
Here is my CV.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Spanks,
Me


Obviously put the above into proper sentences.
 
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[TW]Fox;13462440 said:
You are trying to come across as an experience, qualified, academic graduate. The way that is written you come across as barely literate. You need to make sure it's properly capitalised (Names are proper nouns) and reads coherently. There are too many abbreviations as well. It's like an email to your mate.
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abbreviations well want the cover letter to be one page, no more.
 
The mistake a lot of people make with a covering letter is that it is desinged to do one things only, introduce your CV. Your cv should detail your capabilities, qualifications and experience and should there for tempt the employer to want to see more via, one would assume, an interview. Trim it down, make reference to where and when the vacancy was advertised and keep it without waffle. Employers see waffle in an instant and get very peeved with it.
 
-BA- said:
The mistake a lot of people make with a covering letter is that it is desinged to do one things only, introduce your CV. Your cv should detail your capabilities, qualifications and experience and should there for tempt the employer to want to see more via, one would assume, an interview. Trim it down, make reference to where and when the vacancy was advertised and keep it without waffle. Employers see waffle in an instant and get very peeved with it.
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it might be waffle, i want them too see that i really want the intern position, by explaining why, now and my future path if i dont find a perm position.
 
mattheman said:
it might be waffle, i want them too see that i really want the intern position, by explaining why, now and my future path if i dont find a perm position.
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You will get that chance in an interview.

The basics of a cover letter is to introduce yourself, the CV and where you found the application.

No point in writing something that they are going to already see in you're CV. If you're CV is written correctly, the employer will create a picture of you from that.
 
[TW]Fox;13462889 said:
You wouldnt be applying if you didn't want it. The abbreviations and shortcuts do you no favours.
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there are different levels of want, i want but give up after a bit, i want and still want and never give up <----- this is the bit i want them to know how much i want, and they want a person thats wants that type of job.:D

Anyway the 1st section says when i became interested, the 2nd says what ive done about it and the benefits i could bring, the 3rd says what iam planning to do about it. overall it shows that i frecking want the damn position because ive undertaken and will continue to take academic worthless pieces of paper to achieve that position. showing a detemine individual.
 
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Sorry if this is a little harsh, but if there are a reasonable number of people applying for the job (which in the current environment wouldn't be surprising) then you need to step it up a gear.

First of all get someone who has English as a native language. No offence, but there are so many errors in there I am assuming that English isn't your native language.

Secondly, the whole tone sounds a little pretentious to me, or someone trying to sound too intelligent. As was said above, shorten it down and keep it relatively simple.

Thirdly, on some of the content:


Its an intern position, is that not usually for people mid-degree?

"a function that would allow me to see projects through from start to finish, working relatively autonomously" - my first question would be 'what projects do you think you'd be doing on the IDB team?'

I'd question the whole 'if you don't hire me, i'll go and do some more qualifications like i've spent the past 7 years doing' which is how that part of the cover letter sounded to me. Makes you sound like you won't be that bothered if you don't get the job.

You slip between IDB and " inter dealer broker". Use one or other, preferably neither as it sounds too long winded.

"I have extensive experience working in finance industry..."
"I did have a graduate position in 2001 at pacific continental, however this was short live "
"Over the past few years I have been trying to find a front office finance position "

So you've effectively said 'I have extensive experience from a short lived career and time spent trying to find front office'?

If you are going to say you are thinking about the CFA at least have an understanding of what it is undertaking. IMC is a beginners certificate that is easier than level I of the CFA. CFA has 3 levels and takes an average of 4 or 5 years to get through, IMC you could do in 3 months.

"I can be available for interview at any time" smells of desperation to me.

That's all that popped into my mind when I read it through. Hope it helps :)
 
siandtina said:
Sorry if this is a little harsh, but if there are a reasonable number of people applying for the job (which in the current environment wouldn't be surprising) then you need to step it up a gear.

First of all get someone who has English as a native language. No offence, but there are so many errors in there I am assuming that English isn't your native language.

Secondly, the whole tone sounds a little pretentious to me, or someone trying to sound too intelligent. As was said above, shorten it down and keep it relatively simple.

Thirdly, on some of the content:


Its an intern position, is that not usually for people mid-degree?

"a function that would allow me to see projects through from start to finish, working relatively autonomously" - my first question would be 'what projects do you think you'd be doing on the IDB team?'

I'd question the whole 'if you don't hire me, i'll go and do some more qualifications like i've spent the past 7 years doing' which is how that part of the cover letter sounded to me. Makes you sound like you won't be that bothered if you don't get the job.

You slip between IDB and " inter dealer broker". Use one or other, preferably neither as it sounds too long winded.

"I have extensive experience working in finance industry..."
"I did have a graduate position in 2001 at pacific continental, however this was short live "
"Over the past few years I have been trying to find a front office finance position "

So you've effectively said 'I have extensive experience from a short lived career and time spent trying to find front office'?

If you are going to say you are thinking about the CFA at least have an understanding of what it is undertaking. IMC is a beginners certificate that is easier than level I of the CFA. CFA has 3 levels and takes an average of 4 or 5 years to get through, IMC you could do in 3 months.

"I can be available for interview at any time" smells of desperation to me.

That's all that popped into my mind when I read it through. Hope it helps :)
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So you've effectively said 'I have extensive experience from a short lived career and time spent trying to find front office'?
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Ths part they would need to look at CV, and see its IT based.
IMC is cheaper than CFA if i dont have enough funds for the CFA then i'll do IMC, the whole idea would be "yes i do have a true interest".
 
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