cover letter what do you think?

9 February 2009

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Intern – inter dealer broker

I would like to apply for the Intern position - inter dealer broker programme, currently I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in finance during my first year of university, when I attended a presentation by Nat West. IDB appeals to my long standing interests in business and finance, and I feel is a function that would allow me to see projects through from start to finish, working relatively autonomously.

I have extensive experience working in finance industry, the range of roles that I have undertaken required high level communication, interpersonal, interpretive skills and understand the personal sacrifice required to become successful IDB.



Thank you for your time, I hope that, on consideration of my CV, you will be persuaded of my potential to perform well on this Intern scheme and to make a real contribution as a member of your firm. I can be available for interview at any time and look forward to hearing from you
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so just leave it at that?
 
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"9 February 2009

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Intern – inter dealer broker

I would like to apply for the above position and enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in finance during my first year of university, when I attended a presentation by NatWest. I have long standing interests in both business and finance as demonstrated by my academic qualifications and experience. I feel that this is a job that would allow me to demonstrate my potential to work well both within a team and own my own.

I have extensive experience working within the finance industry. My experience has tought me the need for clear, concise communication, interpersonal and interpretive skills. Being a broker is a long standing dream of mine.

Thank you for your time, I hope that, on consideration of my CV, you will be persuaded of my potential to perform well on this Intern scheme and to make a real contribution as a member of your firm.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Sincerely..."

If I had carte blanche to edit your cover letter that is how I would start on a rough draft...
 
[TW]Fox;13463519 said:
To be honest the fact you want an intern position when you graduated 9 years ago is probably going to concern them?
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i know about that thats why i added the above about the qualifications" dont forget the post grad last year and hence the bit about sep 2001," which is what i want to highlight, however its hard to put that in.
 
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[TW]Fox;13463519 said:
To be honest the fact you want an intern position when you graduated 9 years ago is probably going to concern them?
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And what ever he does, talking about his 'internal desire' in the interview probably wouldn't get him the job... ;)
 
mattheman said:
Because this is an Intern position i need something that stands out, ie show them an internal desire of a person that truly wants.
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And with all due respect, its an intern position. What you say in the cover letter isn't necessarily going to change their mind. Its what you say in the interview. If your cover letter has a grammatical error then the whole application will probably end up in the bin anyhow.

Best to keep it short and sweet, than lengthen out so it sounds like sheet. ;)
 
siandtina said:
And with all due respect, its an intern position. What you say in the cover letter isn't necessarily going to change their mind. Its what you say in the interview. If your cover letter has a grammatical error then the whole application will probably end up in the bin anyhow.

Best to keep it short and sweet, than lengthen out so it sounds like sheet. ;)
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Those errors can be fix, its the structure of the cover letter thats important at this moment, its what should i put in phase. Just need that "hey this guy seems to really want this" and when some says desperate yer iam lol.
my cv is IT based and i'm desperate to get out of IT.
 
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mattheman said:
9 February 2009

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Intern – inter dealer broker

I would like to apply for the Intern position - inter dealer broker programme, currently - (why?) I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in finance during my first year of university, when I attended a presentation by Nat West. - (Extremely random piece of info that goes nowhere). IDB appeals to my long standing interests in business and finance, and I feel is a function that would allow me to see projects through from start to finish, working relatively autonomously (would not use that word makes you sound like an automaton).

I come from an advanced academic and analytical background - (that's not really a background just some qualifications) having completed a degree in European Studies at University of warwick - (maybe "The" University of Warwick) and a post graduate Diploma in Economics from the University of London were - (where) I received a distinction in statistics. I speak a foreign language - (would be nice to know which one otherwise it's a completely useless sentence), have advanced workplace skills in management, people development and presenting (CMI Qualification), and (replace with ". I") believe I am well qualified to add value to the inter dealer brokerage team.
I have extensive experience working in ("the" maybe?) finance industry, the range of roles that I have undertaken required high level communication, interpersonal, interpretive skills and understand the personal sacrifice required to become successful IDB - (makes you sounds like you can't compete).

I did have a graduate position in 2001 at pacific continental, however this was short live (lived)due too the Sep 11th crisis (what crisis, surely if you're talking about the twin towers it counts as a little more than a crisis?). Over the past few years I have been trying to find a front office finance position - (not making yourself sound good here) while saving funds to gain additional financial qualifications, (full stop please) I have passed the SFA in 2001, IAQ 2007 (which I need one module to complete) - don't even mention that which I paid for myself, will be taking on either the CFA or IMC and plan to do a cert in quantitative methods at the University of London this September if I can’t find a permanent financial position. - (no sounding too good again)



Thank you for your time, I hope that, - (not "incorrect" but totally not needed at all) on consideration of my CV, you will be persuaded of my potential to perform well on this Intern scheme and to make a real contribution as a member of your firm. (this sentence is too long, too many commas) I can be available for interview at any time and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
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This is by no means a comprehensive list of errors or problems, just what popped out. I would suggest starting again.
 
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