Are we being unreasonable with my partner's ex?

UncleBob · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:09

Since my partner moved away from her home town, we have been taking the children to visit her ex-husband every friday. There is no specific order or anything, we have been doing this simply to ensure the children keep in regular contact with him.

However we are currently making a 150 mile round trip for the sake of two hours contact a week, and he adamantly refuses to share any of the travel burden as claims it is entirely our responsibility as his ex moved away from the town - so (in his own words) "Why should I make any effort to trail and see my own kids, you moved, not me!"

We wouldn't mind him having longer contact, but he chose 2 hours as it allows him to go out clubbing afterwards. 4 hours would be better for us, as at least we could visit relatives whilst he had them prior to the trip back.

We have offered to meet halfway, or arrange to travel alternate weeks (one week he travels to us, the next we travel to him etc) but he adamantly refuses to reach any compromise.

We have even offered to let the children stay with him every other weekend as he finally has a new place, but he prefers to work weekends rather than see them.

As he stubbornly refuses to compromise, are we being unreasonable by dropping to fortnightly visits?

He seems to be under the impression he can get a court order to force us to trail every week - is this likely or is he living in cloud cuckoo land?

Tomsk · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:11

the ex doesn't seem to care about his kids.

(in his own words) "Why should I make any effort to trail and see my own kids, you moved, not me!"

Hxc · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:11

I'd be suprised if he could get a court order for such little effort made on his behalf.

Caseh · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:12

I think hes living in cloud cuckoo land. Purely because he cant be bothered to travel to see his own kids, and would rather work than see them. Shows how good a father he is.

Phil W · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:12

How old are the kids?

They will soon get to thinking for themselves, and decide they don't want to go anymore.

MeatLoaf · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:14

If he pays maintainace then they would reduce the amount he paid if he told them how much he needs to visit them. I had this when my wife left and moved away. I managed to get the maintainance reduced by £15 a week as thats what the train tickets cost to visit them

And he may not prefer to work weekends, he may not have a choice in the matter.

UncleBob · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:15

Phil W said:
How old are the kids?

They will soon get to thinking for themselves, and decide they don't want to go anymore.

The kids are 5 and 7, but in the eyes of the law he's entitled to access regardless of the kids wanting to go or not.

JBuk · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:20

He is being very unreasonable, whereas you have been nothing but helpful

I doubt very much the courts would grant him anything but access which he already has

Cybermyk · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:20

What agreement was made when the kids were moved to the new home?

tom_nieto · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:25

He's allowed access, which you're not denying him. If he wants access he can make the effort.

MeatLoaf · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:25

JBuk said:
He is being very unreasonable, whereas you have been nothing but helpful

I doubt very much the courts would grant him anything but access which he already has

How is moving 75 miles away being helpful? Although i do agree he should mke the effort to come to meet you. However i dont think he should always make the journey to you, it should be 50/50, one week you go to him, next time he comes to you.

But i do agree that it would be better for him to have them overnight or something, and i think that whe he comes to you then your new partner shouldnt be there, he deserves time with his kids without the feelijg of being watched by a new partner

howthe · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:27

get recordings of these conversations and keep a diary of them all.

Give him a couple of months to change, then simply state that if he isn't going to help out he can't see them.

Let him go to court, I think he is going to be in for a real shock! You are going way beyond what a court would ask you to do and as such he really wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Is he paying any benefits towards the upkeep of the kids?

MeatLoaf · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:30

howthe said:
get recordings of these conversations and keep a diary of them all.

Give him a couple of months to change, then simply state that if he isn't going to help out he can't see them.

Let him go to court, I think he is going to be in for a real shock! You are going way beyond what a court would ask you to do and as such he really wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Is he paying any benefits towards the upkeep of the kids?

Make sure you tell him that youre recording him wont you.

And a court or solicitor would avise doing what i said above, they travel to him, then he travels to them.

i know mate ive been there and the worst thing is seeing your ex with somebody else playing daddy to your kids

Caseh · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:31

MeatLoaf said:
How is moving 75 miles away being helpful? Although i do agree he should mke the effort to come to meet you. However i dont think he should always make the journey to you, it should be 50/50, one week you go to him, next time he comes to you.

But i do agree that it would be better for him to have them overnight or something, and i think that whe he comes to you then your new partner shouldnt be there, he deserves time with his kids without the feelijg of being watched by a new partner

If you re-read the OP, he says that they offered to do 50/50 with the journeys.

MeatLoaf · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:32

[Cas];13573675 said:
If you re-read the OP, he says that they offered to do 50/50 with the journeys.

Doh yes i missed that bit, well then as far as i can see the OP is being more than fair

JBuk · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:36

MeatLoaf said:
How is moving 75 miles away being helpful? Although i do agree he should mke the effort to come to meet you. However i dont think he should always make the journey to you, it should be 50/50, one week you go to him, next time he comes to you.

But i do agree that it would be better for him to have them overnight or something, and i think that whe he comes to you then your new partner shouldnt be there, he deserves time with his kids without the feelijg of being watched by a new partner

75 miles is nothing, my brothers kids are 12000 miles away

the op and his missus can't put their lives on hold and have been very generous with the kids father considering he can't be bothered to make any effort himself

UncleBob · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:37

There was no specific contact order made. Prior to the move, he would collect the children from my partners home as she has just started learning to drive.

We have no wish to limit access, we just feel it rather unbalanced that we should have to make all the running. Hell, he's welcome to see them whenever he can be bothered to make an effort.

He does want access, but i honestly believe that even if he was paying no maintenance whatsoever he'd still not make the effort to visit them if it prevented his trip out to the clubs on a Friday night.

Cybermyk · 25 Feb 2009 at 22:45

The mother is under no obligation to live in one place. If the father is serious about visitation he needs to sort out an reasonable agreement. And, he needs to make more of a commitment to them than 2 hours a week.

drunkenmaster · 25 Feb 2009 at 23:17

Not really, frankly I'd think the other way around, a family splits up and a father moves out of town the mother would ask for the traveling costs to be covered if taking the kids to the father because it was his choice to move.

Frankly he might be being unreasonable if it wasn't for the fact that his kids are living with his ex's new bloke, etc, etc. Generally people aren't at their most reasonable when in situations they don't like.

He collected them when she lived in the same place, she moved away, if it was me I'd feel rather agrieved that my ex moved away, she made that choice then expected me to pay to see my own kids because SHE moved.

It would feel if it happened to you that, she left you, she got a new bloke, she moved to a new place and now they want ME to pay them to bring me my kids.

To be perfectly honest, moving kids to a different town is asking for all kinds of trouble and I would think courts would side with the parent that hadn't moved to be perfectly honest, though you might get lucky with the courts in so far as he didn't persue it till after it happened.

Maybe the answer lies in going to see your family at the weekend, taking your kids with you, while there for 4 hours drop the kids off for a couple hours, and maybe not do this on a friday night. if he works weekends, going up for the afternoon, visit family/friends, take the kids over for 2 hours after his work, head home.

likewise on the other side, if you went to court and they didn't mind the distance between them, and they did award him some visitation rights they probably wouldn't insist you make such a large trip every week.

fortnightly, if he doesn't mind doesn't exactly sound unfair to me either.

Welshy · 25 Feb 2009 at 23:43

Sounds like he's being a bit of an arse to me.

If your partner is the primary carer, then I see no way the courts will make her travel to him, they'll make him travel to her more like!