Joke wanted, must be funny

Terrorists have hidden explosives in tins of alphabetti spaghetti, if they go off it could spell disaster.


What do penises and the bible have in common? Both get pushed down your throat by a priest.
 
Not a joke, but a funny read.
Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA)
Plot 555
Misau Street
PMB 437
Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA

Dear Mr. Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
[email protected]

http://www.nasrda.gov.ng/
Click to expand...

Linky : http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/04/16/cosmic_419er/
 
Taken off here a month or two ago but I thought twas funny.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
A man is in hospital, in his bed with an Oxygen mask on.

He say's to a nearby nurse, 'Are my testicles black?'

She approaches him, and lefts up his gown, then lifts his penis out of the way, and inspects his testicles..

She replies, 'No, they are fine sir...'

He looks at her, and removes his mask and says, 'There must have been a misunderstanding.. I said.. are my test results back!?'
 
Risking the El banhamero with this one

I went to a Zoo today, all they had was dogs.

It was a Schitzu!!


Donald Duks having a sawcee week end away. He goes to the reception and asks can i please have some condoms?

Receptionists asks, would you like meto put them on your bill?

Donald duck, dont be so stupid i would suffocate woman
 
A family are driving behind a bin wagon when a ***** flies out and smacks against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a nob like that!"
 
Bobster said:
A family are driving behind a bin wagon when a ***** flies out and smacks against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a nob like that!"
Click to expand...

lollolol
 
Bobster said:
A family are driving behind a bin wagon when a ***** flies out and smacks against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a nob like that!"
Click to expand...


Litteraly pmpl:mad:
 
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