Share a funny "true" story to cheer everyone up

When I was a trainee engineer my boss (and company owner) had me clear up the offices, removing old cardboard etc with one of the other trainees. We'd only just moved into a new purpose built building so there was tons of cardboard boxes from the move.

We were told to put it all in a ditch at the back of the building, which we did. My boss turns up and tries to light the cardboard but the wind keeps blowing it out, as a joke I suggest using petrol.. which my boss returns with a few minutes later.

Recap:

1. 3m deep ditch, 10m length of it filled with cardboard.
2. 5 litres of petrol, generously poured over it.
3. Boss and trainee standing IN THE DITCH.

At this point I'm about 20m away, suggesting they light something and throw it in as "that'll go up rather fast". Just as I finish that sentence I hear a loud "phhhhhhwowoooooooooff".

Queue boss and other trainee scrambling up the ditch to get out. I'm still shocked neither was injured but the look on their faces was priceless. Even more priceless was the new office, most of the windows were open so the place stank of smoke for about 2 months afterwards. :)
 
I've ripped my banjo string before. Blood everywhere, like a literal spray coming out of my member, as there's a wee vein that goes through there.

The hotel room looked like a murder had been committed in it the next morning, it was like a scene from CSI.

I doubt this'll make you laugh, but you can at least be thankful if its never happened to you. :)
 
AHarvey said:
I've never told anyone this....

When I was about 5 my mum told me I couldn't use the toilet because she had bleached it and if I had to go then I needed to go in the empty domestos bottle (she was messing around but at 5 you just don't get it)

Well, after 30 mins I started to feel the need for a poo, then realised I wasn't able to go.

I can't remember how, but i managed to poo into the bottle :)
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Hahahahahahaha!!

I like this thread.

Le_Petit_Lapin said:
I've ripped my banjo string before. Blood everywhere, like a literal spray coming out of my member, as there's a wee vein that goes through there.

The hotel room looked like a murder had been committed in it the next morning, it was like a scene from CSI.

I doubt this'll make you laugh, but you can at least be thankful if its never happened to you. :)
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I've had this, twice. It takes a bloody long time to heal too. :(
 
Ripping banjo string is bloody-stingy too. What's really annoying is that it can keep happening (3 times for me) if you don't completely tear it the first time! ouchy!
 
Le_Petit_Lapin said:
I've ripped my banjo string before. Blood everywhere, like a literal spray coming out of my member, as there's a wee vein that goes through there.

The hotel room looked like a murder had been committed in it the next morning, it was like a scene from CSI.

I doubt this'll make you laugh, but you can at least be thankful if its never happened to you. :)
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Oh man. Nearly happened to me, looks to be a tiny scar now. :(
 
Last year at the house I shared with some people at uni we all sat down in the living room to watch a movie. The living room was an extension built onto the house and had a glass patio door separating it from the room next to it. I was the last one into the room so I turned the lights out in the living room and the room next door and shut the patio door.

About half-way through the film I really needed the loo so I got up out of my seat and, completely forgetting that I had closed the patio door and not being able to see it because it is glass and all the lights were out, I jumped/hopped headfirst into the patio door. Safe to say, it hurt quite a lot and I managed to embarass myself infront of all my housemates and my gf!
 
platypus said:
How?
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I'm not 100% sure. **edit too much info I think** At some point my bits must have got snagged in a clasp for the suspenders/whatever, I really don't know, because all of a sudden she looks down there and screams. I reach my hand down and its covered in blood......and then after that I was more concerned with trying to stop my bits from spraying blood over the room, than trying to figure out how exactly I managed it.

Apparently I went very pale, which in the circumstances I'd say is entirely acceptable. I remember leaving 3 blood soaked towels in the room when we left. the cleaning lady must have near had a heart attack. :D
 
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zootfloot that story is brilliant and you made me look rite stupid at work smirking!

Le_Petit_Lapin said:
I've ripped my banjo string before. Blood everywhere, like a literal spray coming out of my member, as there's a wee vein that goes through there.

The hotel room looked like a murder had been committed in it the next morning, it was like a scene from CSI.

I doubt this'll make you laugh, but you can at least be thankful if its never happened to you. :)
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That is disgusting! was this a lone scene from csi or was there other parties involved!
 
shifty_uk said:
In all my sexually active years, I've never once had 'banjo string' problems. How the hell do you guys manage it?
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It happened to me because i went "IN" a little bit too early and she wasnt as ready as either of us would have liked...lol, ouch.
 
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