Old Joke I have just been forwarded

Sash

Sash

Sash

Soldato
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Got this in an e-mail taking the **** out of password protocols at work etc. It's old and most have probably heard it before, but meh - it's Friday.

Password selection rules

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
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meh bit predictable. I got sent one the other day....

So this pirate walks into a bad and the bar tender says "Blimey mate, I havent seen you in here in ages. Whats happened to you, you look terrible?"
"AHH you land lover what do you mean?" replies the pirate.
"Well for starters you go a wooden leg"
"AHHHH I was hit by a canon ball, took me leg clean off"
"Blimey" says the bar tender "What about that hook?"
"AHH I was in a swash buckling sword fight and the guy chopped my hand clean off"
"Wow, thats terrible. What about the eye patch?"
"Well I was out on the open sea and I looked up and a bird decided to poo right in my eye"
"Oh" says the barmen a bit confused "They took your whole eye because of bird crap?"
"AHHHHH It was my first day with the hook"

:D Made me chuckle.
 
J.B said:
meh bit predictable. I got sent one the other day....

So this pirate walks into a bad and the bar tender says "Blimey mate, I havent seen you in here in ages. Whats happened to you, you look terrible?"
"AHH you land lover what do you mean?" replies the pirate.
"Well for starters you go a wooden leg"
"AHHHH I was hit by a canon ball, took me leg clean off"
"Blimey" says the bar tender "What about that hook?"
"AHH I was in a swash buckling sword fight and the guy chopped my hand clean off"
"Wow, thats terrible. What about the eye patch?"
"Well I was out on the open sea and I looked up and a bird decided to poo right in my eye"
"Oh" says the barmen a bit confused "They took your whole eye because of bird crap?"
"AHHHHH It was my first day with the hook"

:D Made me chuckle.
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LOL. :D Much better than the predicatable password joke ;)
 
J.B said:
meh bit predictable. I got sent one the other day....

So this pirate walks into a bad and the bar tender says "Blimey mate, I havent seen you in here in ages. Whats happened to you, you look terrible?"
"AHH you land lover what do you mean?" replies the pirate.
"Well for starters you go a wooden leg"
"AHHHH I was hit by a canon ball, took me leg clean off"
"Blimey" says the bar tender "What about that hook?"
"AHH I was in a swash buckling sword fight and the guy chopped my hand clean off"
"Wow, thats terrible. What about the eye patch?"
"Well I was out on the open sea and I looked up and a bird decided to poo right in my eye"
"Oh" says the barmen a bit confused "They took your whole eye because of bird crap?"
"AHHHHH It was my first day with the hook"

:D Made me chuckle.
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Pirates say arghh not ahhhh, you have completely misrepresented them :mad:
 
Edited for pirateyness

So this pirate walks into a bad and the bar tender says "Blimey mate, I havent seen you in here in ages. Whats happened to you, you look terrible?"
"Arr, yer dirty land lubber, wha d'ye mean?" replies the pirate.
"Well for starters you got a wooden leg"
"Arr I wer' hit by a canon ball, took me leg clean off!"
"Blimey" says the bar tender "What about that hook?"
"Arr I be crossing swords with some scurvy dog and by luck ee chopped me hand off before I ran 'im through!"
"Wow, thats terrible. What about the eye patch?"
"Well I wer' out on t'open sea and as I looked up to check the mainsail a bird let loose a broadside of ***** right in me eye"
"Oh" says the barmen a bit confused "They took your whole eye because of bird crap?"
"Arr It be me first day with the hook"

PK!
 
misterPK said:
Edited for pirateyness

So this pirate walks into a bad and the bar tender says "Blimey mate, I havent seen you in here in ages. Whats happened to you, you look terrible?"
"Arr, yer dirty land lubber, wha d'ye mean?" replies the pirate.
"Well for starters you got a wooden leg"
"Arr I wer' hit by a canon ball, took me leg clean off!"
"Blimey" says the bar tender "What about that hook?"
"Arr I be crossing swords with some scurvy dog and by luck ee chopped me hand off before I ran 'im through!"
"Wow, thats terrible. What about the eye patch?"
"Well I wer' out on t'open sea and as I looked up to check the mainsail a bird let loose a broadside of ***** right in me eye"
"Oh" says the barmen a bit confused "They took your whole eye because of bird crap?"
"Arr It be me first day with the hook"

PK!
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I like this, its like an open source joke that the community has developed!
 
Sash said:
I always thought it was "Arrr" not "arrgh" because "Arrgh" sounds like "Arguh" with the G being pronounced.
I dunno...
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The gh is needed at the end, is it not, to get that guteralness required to express true pirateyness. Without it you may as well be carrying around a parot called molly, it's just not the same.
 
Sickipedia to the rescue

If you need to figure out your share of the bill, there's an App for that!

Yes Apple. It's called a ******* calculator.

To be honest, if you aren't able to work out how to use a calculator, the iPhone is definitely going to be too complex for you.
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