Friday Joke Thread!

Michael Jackson has cancelled his UK tour after finding out that "£2000 for a ten year-old", is actually the car scrappage scheme.
 
hilly said:
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord."

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to
Appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart donkey. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you...
Click to expand...

ROFL :)
 
And a quick google returns a piratey joke:


A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"
 
Sash said:
And a quick google returns a piratey joke:


A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"
Click to expand...

YARR HAR HAR HARRR!

:p
 
I remember hearing a variation of this joke.

Replace the sea and pirate thing with a desert. And the barrel with a camel :p

The punchline differs in that after the boss asks how he got along and the guy said he was satisfied and it was suprisingly better than he thought, the boss just gives him a look and says "we usually use it to ride into town and pick up women..."
 
Sudden said:
I remember hearing a variation of this joke.

Replace the sea and pirate thing with a desert. And the barrel with a camel :p

The punchline differs in that after the boss asks how he got along and the guy said he was satisfied and it was suprisingly better than he thought, the boss just gives him a look and says "we usually use it to ride into town and pick up women..."
Click to expand...

Every joke should have pirates or ninjas in them.
 
Shameless copypasta to try and offset the 'joke' :p

FISH FACE - "My dad was a policeman and told
me of a man who'd been brought in regarding a
crime the police knew he was responsible for.
He refused to budge from his story and the
decision was made to apply a little 'pressure'
to ensure the required outcome. One of the
coppers was a member of the police diving squad
and just happened to have his wetsuit and gear
with him. Someone was sent down to the pier.
The accused was left alone in the interview
room for a while. And then... the door opened
to reveal a frogman in full kit, flippers and
facemask, carrying a large fish. The questions
were posed again, but this time each
'incorrect' answer came with a mighty wet fish
slap around the chops. Eventually the chap
coughed to the crime and it all went to court.
Once on the stand, the defendant withdrew his
confession as it had been made under duress,
and explained the situation surrounding it. The
judge had him sent off for psychiatric
assessment."
 
MikeHunt79 said:
Shameless copypasta to try and offset the 'joke' :p

FISH FACE - "My dad was a policeman and told
me of a man who'd been brought in regarding a
crime the police knew he was responsible for.
He refused to budge from his story and the
decision was made to apply a little 'pressure'
to ensure the required outcome. One of the
coppers was a member of the police diving squad
and just happened to have his wetsuit and gear
with him. Someone was sent down to the pier.
The accused was left alone in the interview
room for a while. And then... the door opened
to reveal a frogman in full kit, flippers and
facemask, carrying a large fish. The questions
were posed again, but this time each
'incorrect' answer came with a mighty wet fish
slap around the chops. Eventually the chap
coughed to the crime and it all went to court.
Once on the stand, the defendant withdrew his
confession as it had been made under duress,
and explained the situation surrounding it. The
judge had him sent off for psychiatric
assessment."
Click to expand...

: /
 
Last edited:
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ar***ole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." :D
 
izzy eckerslike said:
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ar***ole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." :D
Click to expand...

\:D/ WinRar \:D/
 
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