Time for a joke

Soldato
Joined
13 Dec 2006
Posts
6,959
Location
On the forest moon Endor
Been a while since my last joke thread, so here goes:

*Dons flameproof suit*

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."
 
A Valentine's poem that will always get you into a lady's undercrakers:

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a knife, NOW GET IN THE DAMN VAN. NOWWW!!
 
Face
Has their face fallen on one side? Can they smile?

Arms
Can they not raise both arms and keep them there?

Speech
Is their speech slurred?

Time
If the answer to these questions is yes. It's time to get in her knickers before the alcohol wears off!
 
Little Red Riding hood is gaily walking through Dingly Dell when she comes across a small fellow sitting on a toadstool with his head between his legs.

She walks up to him and says "You a goblin?"

"No" he says "I've got a nosebleed"
 
A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to join his new religious sect where they worship a probiotic yoghurt drink... I replied "Sorry but no... I'm not interested in Yakult"
 
John Terry's wife is understood to have forgiven him for his affair...

...Shes calling it evens after he was raped by Louis Saha!
 
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