Friday joke

Soldato
Joined
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A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him
put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his
dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not
willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. It sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the labrador thinks
your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650.00"

"£ 650.00 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £ 50.00 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional £ 600.00 was for the cat scan
and lab tests."
 
An Irish lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota.

He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day.

His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong.

Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.

The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and jumped back crying, "What's that noise?"
 
The Zen Master is visiting London from Tibet.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a £20.00 note.

The vendor puts the £ 20.00 in the till and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
 
My vet told me he had to put my dog down

when I asked why he said it's because it's too heavy



badum tshhh
 
This isnt a joke but its still funny story i heard today at work from a friend

His friend has a son who has a low mental age altho he is 30 she was going out to do her shopping leaving him at home watching harry potter.She rings him up 30mins later to check he is ok and he says he has caught a goblin she thought nothing of it and carried on shopping, She phones agian in 30mins and he stays he has it locked upstairs so she gets abit worried and goes up she gets up and he takes her upstairs where she finds the bathroom door locked by a belt on handle going onto handrail , She shouts hello and gets a reply from a bloke "what the %^$£ are you doing let me out of here" turns out it was a midget who had came to check on the gas meter.The lad just picked him up under 1 arm and ran upstairs locking him in proper made me lol especaily when he said after the gas man didnt know what to do after getting grabbed like that and took upstairs
 
This isnt a joke but its still funny story i heard today at work from a friend

His friend has a son who has a low mental age altho he is 30 she was going out to do her shopping leaving him at home watching harry potter.She rings him up 30mins later to check he is ok and he says he has caught a goblin she thought nothing of it and carried on shopping, She phones agian in 30mins and he stays he has it locked upstairs so she gets abit worried and goes up she gets up and he takes her upstairs where she finds the bathroom door locked by a belt on handle going onto handrail , She shouts hello and gets a reply from a bloke "what the %^$£ are you doing let me out of here" turns out it was a midget who had came to check on the gas meter.The lad just picked him up under 1 arm and ran upstairs locking him in proper made me lol especaily when he said after the gas man didnt know what to do after getting grabbed like that and took upstairs

Hope your friend didn't claim the story as their own ;)
 
[midget imprisoning story] Hope your friend didn't claim the story as their own ;)
I can't make any claims for the rest of the story's truthiness, but what's definitely true is that there is a midget gas meter reader/servicer who works in the Sheffield area, as he's done mine.
 
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Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.






Your loving daughter,

Sheila
 
Mother Superior was talking to the rest of the Nuns.

"We have a case of chlamydia in the convent," she informed them. An old Nun at the back chirped up,

"Hope it's better than that ****ing Chardonnay we had last month."
 
What's more annoying that a dog chewing your shoe?

A killer whale eating your trainer!




Rejected ideas for windows 7 ..
Hi im kate McCann and leaving windows open was my idea

Hi im Joseph Fritzel and not having windows was my idea

Hi im Harvey price and licking windows was my idea


:D
 
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