Looking fo advice - re: my son

Next time you go round to mind the child, just take him back to your house for a few hours to meet the new squeeze! Let said child convey info back to your ex.

Sounds like you are only being used as a last gasp baby sitter anyway.


Courts are the only way to sort this, CAB will also be full of advice for this type of common problem.
 
Gaygle said:
Both of you need to sort this out now.

While you and your ex-wife are arguing like 5 year olds about stuff that clearly isn't related to your child (yes, big surprise, your wife is jealous that you got together with a woman so quickly after your divorce), your child is being traumatised.

This stuff can affect him for the rest of his life and I guarantee this is going to be affecting his school life/social upbringing.

So if you can't talk to your ex without "going off in a huff" or having an argument in front of your child - i suggest you arrange a time when your child can stay with a friend and you can go over there and talk about stuff....y'know, like adults?
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Yes i can talk to her without going in a huff, and u've done all the trying for the last few weeks, i've tried convincing her it's in his best interests that this is sorted out now, i make progress then when she doesn't get her own, selfish way she backs off. I'd rather walk off than lose my temper in front of my son. I'm only trying to put him first.

Yes it was me from that 'epic' thread, you won't find a link because it was deleted.
 
You both need to grow up though as there is a child involved. Following her was a foolish move.

Sadly if anything is to be learned from that last thread it has taught me there are two sides to every story. And for that reason I'm out.
 
How old is your son?

Is he old enough to understand if you explain to him about it not being becuase of him that everything is happening etc?

I believe the ONLY real importance is that your son is ok with everything.

If he is old enough to understand stuff when you talk to him just keep reasuring him that you still love him etc. And you will always try and do everything best for him.
 
She's being a moron and lying to your son, she's in the wrong and she's screwing him up.

But you can go some way to allieviating the problems, you need to sit down with her AND your son and explain who the other woman is, explain that no matter who you end up with she's his mother and even if you remarry or whatever, no one will take her place, etc, etc.

She'll be feeling insecure and be worried probably being the cause for half her behaviour.

But its also unhealthy to only see your kid while "out" doing things, you need to be a dad, which includes sitting around watching tv, or mowing the lawn, or having dinner at home, and helping him do his homework and so on. Its unhealthy to take him out every day and she should see that its bad for HER if you're the "fun parent" who never has to discipline him, or make him do his homework, or brush his teeth, or anything else. She doesn't want your kid thinking of her as the boring tyrant at home and you as the guy who only takes him out to do fun stuff. Its bad parenting, and its worse for her as she'll always seem like the mean one.

If she fails to listen to reason, fails to let you spend real time with him at home rather than always out doing things, then she's just a moron and I'd get a lawyer involved asap.
 
regulus said:
CAB would be able to help you.
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This, they will be able to advise you better than anyone here.

How old is your son?

To me is sounds as if you're somewhat to blame yourself for the altercations, and that's reading your side of the story. I'm sorry to hear that you're having these problems, and that it seems there little you can do about it. Can only hope that your son can learn to see what's going on and doesn't mess him up in the head.

My only advice would be to:
-Persevere to see him, as much as she will let you.
-Any visits should be about spending time with your son only, avoid getting into discussions with the ex. for now.
 
I'm to blame in as much as i split up with her and am now seeing somebody else. My son is 3 and he does undrstand, i've been reasuring him everything will be fine.
 
As everyone has already said - get legal advice.

First port of call is the CAB - they may be able to assist you - but whatever you do you definately need to get a Court order in place that gives you rights of access to your child.

Yes it might cost you money - but having dealt with many many cases over the years where partners have split up and the child is treated like a ping pong ball I can assure you if you don't you will end up with years of heartache.

Some other good advice. Limit your personal contact with your ex. Many people use the Harassment Act to get back at their ex's, so the less ammunition you give her the better.

Keep all text messages from her if you can - same goes with emails and any letters. Resist the urge to reply to any abusive messages with more of the same.

It will be difficult I am sure but you need to avoid the possibility that she can use things against you.
 
This is probably the obvious but your ex is most likely very bitter about the split and now having to manage everything as a single parent.

It doesn't help that you have 'replaced' her so soon also.

The fact that you get to see your son regularly and even have the opportunity to look after him for more time than originally agreed should not be squandered.
 
wez130 said:
I can't afford legal advice and can't get legal aid :( I've tried already. money is really tight atm due to changes that have happened in my life and at £175 / hour, that's probably more than i have a month to live on atm:(
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You don't need a lawyer. I have represented myself in the Family Courts for the last 2 years and continue to do so - I am appearing at Slough tomorrow to sort out issues with my little one. It's easy actually, I can tell you what you need to do, e-mail is in trust.

Alternatively, if you don't feel confident enough to do that, then join the Dads UK Forums, you'll get plenty of useful advice there. Ask them to suggest a McKenzie Friend in your area. I can suggest one I know if you like. A McKenzie Friend is someone who cannot advocate for you in Court, but they can whisper to you what to say so that you don't shoot yourself in the foot. They are significantly cheaper than a lawyer.

This may take several years to resolve fully, be prepared for this. Family Court moves very slowly.

I presume you are named on the Birth Certificate? If so, then you already have Parental Responsibility. All that remains to be resolved is to address contact and the location and frequency thereof.

It's very straight forward actually - as I said, get in touch if you want to.
 
Oh, I forgot to add - follow these simple rules from now on:

1. Do NOT bad mouth your Ex in front of your son or allow your partner to do so.

2. Do NOT communicate by text or e-mail. If you allow yourself to rant at her or whatever then it WILL come back to bite you in Court.

3. Do NOT argue with your Ex in front of your son. If she starts one, shut your stupid big yap and calmly explain that you are not willing to argue and walk away.

4. Do calculate 15% of your net salary and pay that to your Ex on a monthly basis. Set up a SO to her account and then forget about it. It looks better for you if you are seen to be properly supporting your son. 15% is what the CSA will deduct for one child if they are to become involved.

5. Be careful when you speak to her in person or on the telephone. It is not unknown for vindictive Ex partners to record conversations. Say NOTHING to her that you would not wish to listen to being played back in Court.

The above is for your own benefit - ignore me and you'll suffer the consequences. I'm not going to judge what you've done morally, because TBH I don't know you and I couldn't care less. Just understand that many people will judge your actions harshly - your Ex now has a 3 year old she is going to have to largely bring up on her own because you couldn't keep your **** in your pants.

However, the Court won't be interested in that, their main concern is your son and ensuring that his needs are adequately catered for.

Good luck.
 
wez130 said:
I can't afford legal advice and can't get legal aid :( I've tried already. money is really tight atm due to changes that have happened in my life and at £175 / hour, that's probably more than i have a month to live on atm:(
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You need to sort this properly. First thing to do is sell the expensive car so you are not struggling financially anymore. You wont win this by talking to her, so you need to raise funds to fight this if needs be and if other routes fail.
 
Good luck sorting it out but dont use the kid as bait or a tool to get at each other whatever happens. Yeah start at CAB get some qualified advice.
 
[TW]Fox;16452919 said:
You wont win this by talking to her, so you need to raise funds to fight this if needs be and if other routes fail.
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With respect, this isn't about 'Winning', if a person were to approach what he has to go through with that attitude then they are doomed from the start.

This is about persuading the Court to order such arrangements as are beneficial to the health and well-being of the OP's son and nothing else.
 
As someone that went through all my childhood of this, sort it out.

If it means splitting up with your current gf then do it, this is a major turning point in your kids life and will determine how he grows up.

You's need to become mature about this, both of you. She and you need to sort it out, now not 5 years or in some examples 10 years later!
 
I already pay about 20% of my wages to her and have done since we split, this was my offer to her. Proof of this is on my bank statements. I've told her i'm not willing to argue with her, when i got contact with my son, i agreed to everything with her and stood by my agreements, then she tried walking all over me which if i let her, she'll do it even more, so i had to take a stand and tell her enough is enough. I've got months worth of txt messages saved.

@Fox, my car is currently not worth a lot because the gearbox is still being investigated (under warranty hopefully), plus she's trying to fight me for my car, which i've paid about 95% for and have receipts to prove, therefore, i cannot sell it until that issue is sorted out.
 
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