'Hilarious' Friday jokes! (or not, definitely not)

[FnG]magnolia

[FnG]magnolia

[FnG]magnolia

Caporegime
Joined
29 Aug 2007
Posts
28,768
Location
Auckland
Knock knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said you'd never forget.
____________________________

So man is walking through the woods at night with an 8 year old boy.
The boy looks up at the man and says, "I'm scared."
The man looks down at the boy and says, "You're scared? I have to walk back out of these woods alone."
____________________________

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Dunno man, how many?

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE! YOU WEREN'T ******* THERE MAN!
____________________________


Ban please :mad:
 
Police have issued a £10k reward for information leading to the arrest of Raoul Moat. If it goes unclaimed then it will rise to £20k next week in a Raoul over.
 
Your logic is ilogical.
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I was born in Liverpool in 1960. I can remember at six years of age my mother sending me to the shops a couple of miles away with a ten shilling note.

I would come home carrying four loaves, eight pints of milk, two dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, a bottle of scotch and 100 woodbines and still have change.


Nowadays, there are just too many bloody CCTV cameras :p
 
Cybermyk said:
I was born in Liverpool in 1960. I can remember at six years of age my mother sending me to the shops a couple of miles away with a ten shilling note.

I would come home carrying four loaves, eight pints of milk, two dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, a bottle of scotch and 100 woodbines and still have change.


Nowadays, there are just too many bloody CCTV cameras :p
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That is offensive to scousers. Salt of the Earth Liverpool folk.

Just don't ask them for any spare tickets for a FA Cup Semi Final.
 
At the end of teh Battle of the Boyne, King William of Orange's army had defeated the army of King James. King James lay on the ground about to die. King Billy rode up to him on his big white horse, held a sword to his throat and said "You have been defeated James. Any last words?"

To which King James replied, "Is that a female horse you're on?"

King Billy, confused, replied "Why does it matter? These are your last words, make them worthwhile!"

King James replied, "It's just that I heard someone say 'Look at the xxxx on that horse'"
 
Hades said:
Police have issued a £10k reward for information leading to the arrest of Raoul Moat. If it goes unclaimed then it will rise to £20k next week in a Raoul over.
Click to expand...

I'm sick of all these Raoul Moat jokes. They aren't even raoulmoatley funny.

ruffneck said:
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I'm easily lead.
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:p
 
I smiled because i came to the conclusion he/she was delibrately posting crap jokes.
 
Hi, I'm a sexy 19 year-old blonde from the North of England looking for some fun.
My Mr Right should be a big, strong ginger man, with a fiery temper and a jealous nature, as well as enjoying writing long letters and camping.

If this sounds like you contact me at;

[email protected]
 
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


*****************



A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, **** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

****************



Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

****************



A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

***************



Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

***************



An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'


Fully star out swearing
 
Nelson: "Order the signal"

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): ” England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘ England ‘ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it…full speed ahead.”

Hardy : “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harness, and they said the rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually you did sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt sea beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats, and they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then, how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate the Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King.”

Hardy: “Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It’s the rules. It could save your life.”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained sir. The rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal sir.”

Nelson: “In that case…

…kiss me Hardy.”
 
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